I. Don't. Feel. Well.
Who can understand that better than me? I'm torturing myself with every smile and false word. Trying to make sure that no one understands exactly what horrors lurk behind the curtains for me every day. I'm doing it now, as I have been for the last 3 years. When I feel in love, I had nothing but hope. And when he fell out, well, there was nothing I could do to stop that. And yet i still find myself haunted by his memory. I hardly even remember the short time we had together. But when it happened, it happened for good, and I can't say I've ever truly recovered from that.
Abandonment.
This is the word that has shaped my existence, my fears. It seems that all the time I spent trying to get over him didn't do me a damn bit of good. One silly reminder, and he exists again. For days on end I will haunt myself with this nostalgia. And for what? Do I really want to lose the ground I have gained? I really truly hope not.
But since when have I known what I wanted? All of this time to hate him for the broken mess he left me in, and I still can't help but to miss every moment. Of him? No not so much the person he was. But the person I was.The way that felt. To be with someone and have no doubts of the future. To feel safe again. To feel like every time I'm left alone, someone would come back for me.
They don't always come back, you know.
You won't always be safe, or ignorant. Whatever you want to call it.
Do they make a pill for this? When it's you torturing yourself? When everything you are is no longer enough? When you want what you cannot have - what was taken from you without so much as an apologetic glance over the shoulder?
I think not.
Abandonment.
This is the word that has shaped my existence, my fears. It seems that all the time I spent trying to get over him didn't do me a damn bit of good. One silly reminder, and he exists again. For days on end I will haunt myself with this nostalgia. And for what? Do I really want to lose the ground I have gained? I really truly hope not.
But since when have I known what I wanted? All of this time to hate him for the broken mess he left me in, and I still can't help but to miss every moment. Of him? No not so much the person he was. But the person I was.The way that felt. To be with someone and have no doubts of the future. To feel safe again. To feel like every time I'm left alone, someone would come back for me.
They don't always come back, you know.
You won't always be safe, or ignorant. Whatever you want to call it.
Do they make a pill for this? When it's you torturing yourself? When everything you are is no longer enough? When you want what you cannot have - what was taken from you without so much as an apologetic glance over the shoulder?
I think not.