oh my head!
Well, the last couple of days I haven't really been getting much sleep. I think it's starting to take it's toll on me, my head is seriously going to explode. A lot of serious conversations have been taking place in my life along with this lack of sleep. Bryce and I had a serious conversationt the other night about things going on in his life and Deana and I have had wonderful talks the past three nights. I wish I could say that I felt wonderful about everything that had been said. I finally told Bryce that I thought his hyper-sensitivity was having an effect on me. I haven't felt like he's happy lately or that I can express things that upset me to him, without him getting upset and me spending the rest of the conversation trying to comfort him. I want comfort, damnit. I want to be able to be upset and resolve my issue rather than me getting upset, upsetting his, resolving his, and still having mine. I want to be the more sensitive person in this relationship. Girls are born expecting men to be leaders, and stronger than them. That's what I want. That's what God intends. I want someone that I can respect and look up to. I don't want to be the stronger one anymore! I know it's hard for him to hear these things, cuz it's hard for me to tell him these things. I love everything about him, but I think sometimes things aren't the way they should be. They aren't in balance. He always tells me that he's just sensitive and that he's being too sensitive. I know that is his nature, but the thing is, he's being sensitive to himself, which in turn, is causing him to be insensitive to my needs. Not intentionally or anything, but that's just the nature of it. There's a balance, and really, I think it should almost be the other way around. I know that I am sensitive at times, and sometimes im not the most sensitive person and may come off as apathetic towards something..but ya know, we're all human and we all have a wide array of emotions. I simply feel like I don't always get to express them. I was talking to my wonderful roommate about all of these frustrations last night, and basically telling her that Bryce is so sensitive, anytime I say something is wrong, no matter if its me feeling tension, or what...Bryce looks at it as an impediment in our relationship and he asks me how he can fix it. I'm sorry, but he has to realize that he can't fix everything. He is going to exhaust himself after years of trying to fix these things that no one expects him to fix. I don't want to be there to witness that crash and that exhaustion. I don't want it to happen. Deana and I came up with the analogy that it's almost like a child. When a child sees something wrong, or that they've somehow gotten out of their parents' favor, they do ANYTHING they can to try to fix it. I sometimes feel like that is Bryce's mentality. Not that he is a child, but sometimes I feel like I'm emotionally more mature. I have had things go on in my life that have sort of forced that upon me. I know that he has had similar experiences, but I think the difference is the people I've had in my life. I've had all kinds of people that are positive and consistent role models and leaders. I've had amazing best friends and people I can share anything with. I don't think he has that, except in me. I think maybe since he finally has that, he's growing. But I can't bear the burden of all of this responsibility. It's nice to feel needed and to need someone, but you can't be dependent on one person for everything. That's a heavy load, and I think a person needs to depend on themselves some too. I want him to be secure in this relationship and even moreso, secure in himself. I love him, don't get me wrong, but I see room for growth. I, at the same time, have a lot of growing to do, and I don't mean to sit here and pick out his faults, cuz Lord knows I have tons. I simply want to state my needs without having to comfort his so that mine get overshadowed. Wow. That was a lot of personal sharing.
On another note, I want to thank my best friend. She is absolutely amazing and I love her with all of my heart. I know that we will always have each other to depend on and to talk to...and to laugh with. After hours of a serious conversation, we can laugh at the dumbest thing like..."that sounded like budapest" when she said "you the best." Yeah, she's amazing and I adore our friendship and cherish it. Hillary, you also are an amazing person in my life and I adore what we share, also.
Lovingly,
Katie
On another note, I want to thank my best friend. She is absolutely amazing and I love her with all of my heart. I know that we will always have each other to depend on and to talk to...and to laugh with. After hours of a serious conversation, we can laugh at the dumbest thing like..."that sounded like budapest" when she said "you the best." Yeah, she's amazing and I adore our friendship and cherish it. Hillary, you also are an amazing person in my life and I adore what we share, also.
Lovingly,
Katie