Pregnancy Journal, Day 21
Extremely irritable. Can't handle Michael. I don't know if it's real or hormones. Extremely problematic. I don't like not knowing whether the things I feel are real. Maybe he was being annoying, dismissive and unhelpful. Maybe I was being touchy and hormonal. What the fuck. Can't abide.
I think I'd rather take the crying, honestly.
Other than that, just tired, tired, tired. Can't sleep enough; still feel like I'm in bed too much, because I don't seem to be getting a goddamn thing done. Can't focus and can't remember anything for longer than about five seconds.
Also, I don't feel pregnant.
It's a tough spot to be in. Erika & Edy had their excitement, their excited moments, and I think they're still excited. I guess I don't get that. I don't really get excited about things, especially not things that are so far off. But also we're too practical. We're too practical for excitement. It doesn't help that he didn't let me have the moment of telling him. Which is fine, I guess. But when we watched...I don't know, I guess it was the Avengers movie, and there was that line about having something to look forward to and he asked me what it was...it was telling him. And he didn't let me. Which means that all I got was practicality and caution. We have to be 100% open and talk about every little fucking thing and you know what, sometimes I hate that. That's not who I am; but I'm not allowed to have my natural reticence. It's really okay to not talk about all the things all the time. I just wish that were a thing that's allowed in my marriage.
Anyway. Anyway. Anyway.
I think I'd rather take the crying, honestly.
Other than that, just tired, tired, tired. Can't sleep enough; still feel like I'm in bed too much, because I don't seem to be getting a goddamn thing done. Can't focus and can't remember anything for longer than about five seconds.
Also, I don't feel pregnant.
It's a tough spot to be in. Erika & Edy had their excitement, their excited moments, and I think they're still excited. I guess I don't get that. I don't really get excited about things, especially not things that are so far off. But also we're too practical. We're too practical for excitement. It doesn't help that he didn't let me have the moment of telling him. Which is fine, I guess. But when we watched...I don't know, I guess it was the Avengers movie, and there was that line about having something to look forward to and he asked me what it was...it was telling him. And he didn't let me. Which means that all I got was practicality and caution. We have to be 100% open and talk about every little fucking thing and you know what, sometimes I hate that. That's not who I am; but I'm not allowed to have my natural reticence. It's really okay to not talk about all the things all the time. I just wish that were a thing that's allowed in my marriage.
Anyway. Anyway. Anyway.