Perry Mason - The Case of the Deadly Double
Perry Mason is apparently doing a multiple episode tonight and it's just about what you'd expect for 1958.
Joyce: Hi! Let's have a drink! *hic*! glug glug Get me another one and make it a double. No, a triple. I'm going to need it just to get through this stupid episode.
Johnny: You're drinking too much, Joyce. I haven't seen you in a week. Why don't you be yourself?
Joyce: Hah hah hah hah hah hah! That's it, I haven't been "myself!" But tonight I'm going to be myself! *big kiss*
...THE NEXT MORNING...
Bob: Oh gee, my sister is so ill. What do you say, sis?
Helen: I had this terrible nightmare. I was dressed all slutty and drinking booze and I saw my former husband lying dead with a gun nearby. Eeek
Bob: Do you still have those horse tranquilizers the doc put you on?
Helen: Maybe they're in my purse. Why, this isn't my purse! It has the initials "JM" on it. And -- OMG there's a gun inside!
Perry: I can't take a case on just a nightmare.
Bob: My sister's nightmares have a way of proving themselves horribly real. I was the one who wanted to kill her ex, that shit, he was accusing her of misconduct and going to take her child away.
Perry: I can't take a case on just a nightmare.
Bob: What about the purse? I never saw it before last night. That's MY gun in there and it's been fired recently!
Perry: Wow, I guess that proves it.
Sexretary: Mr. Reed hasn't come into his office yet.
Perry: Looks like he's been murdered.
Mr. Vance (Mr. Reed's junior partner): Bullshit.
Perry: Bite me. (leaves)
Paul: There's a sexy blonde named Joyce Martel living at the Crestmont!
Perry: You've got all the sexy blondes in your rolodex. (walks into her apartment without knocking) Yep, there's Mr. Reed lying dead on the floor. And there's all this stuff with her monogram on it.
(Psychobabble about why she has to "assert her personality").
And the next few lines are verbatim: this is really what they said.
Perry: Well, come in, Lt. Tragg. We were just about to phone you.
Lt. Tragg: I bet. I'm surprised, Mason. A fashion plate like you in the company of anyone improperly attired. (Paul is still holding Joyce's black purse)
Mason: Yeah, I see what you mean, black bag, brown jacket. Well, some people just have no taste.
Tragg: Exactly. No private detective would be carrying an evening bag when dressed for the afternoon. Not even an ex private detective.
(Paul looks guilty as hell right here)
Paul: Now wait just a minute. Perry can explain everything.
Tragg: Yes, I'm sure he can.
I wonder how those three got through that scene without cracking up, especially Raymond Burr.
Perry: From this picture left in Helen's place it's clear that Joyce Martell is Helen Reed.
Paul: Who's the detective around here, you or me?
Perry: Ms. Reed, you left your mink stole with JM on it in the taxi.
Helen: It's not mine! I'm allergic to fur! I can't even have a cat *hack*wheeze*dies*
Bob: My sister always had this imaginary friend called Joyce Martell. She used to tell me Joyce was trying to kill me, because second personalities always try to kill everybody.
*Tragg hauls him away*
Perry: I think I'll go to that bar and pretend to be somebody else too. Maybe I'll get lucky. *snoops around, finds Joyce*
Perry: Hi, I brought your dead animal pelt, you left it in the taxi.
Joyce: Thanks. I hate Helen. I hope she dies. Phooey. *hic*
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: Joyce Martell is a distinct and separate personality who happens to be sharing the same body with Helen Reed.
Perry: Like Jekyll and Hyde.
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: That's a bit simplified for psychiatric purposes but it'll do. To a degree, Joyce and Helen are the living counterparts of that story -- with one exception. Joyce knows of this dual personality but Helen was completely unaware of Joyce's existence until recently when I started treating her.
Perry: How do these two women differ?
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: In any number of ways. Helen's allergic to fur, but it doesn't bother Joyce at all. Helen doesn't smoke or drink. Joyce does both to excess. As to their moral outlook, Helen is virtuous and Joyce is a complete slut and she could commit murder.
HAMILTON: It's just an alias, you dope.
PERRY: I wouldn't talk about "dope" if I were you.
PERRY: In your opinion what's is Mrs. Reed's condition?
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: She's a true schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is a disassociation of psychic function, commonly referred to as dual or split personality.
oh good god....
PERRY: Clear the courtroom, please, I want to call Joyce to the stand and that means TV HYPNOSIS!
next lines are verbatim:
HAMILTON: I never thought he'd put Helen on the stand. He's out of his mind!
TRAGG: Yes, but he's calling for Joyce Martell.
HAMILTON: Yes, but the law doesn't recognize dual personalities. He's left himself wide open.
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: Just relax and look at the kitty. You are getting verryeeee sleeepy.
... wooooOOOoooOoooOoo ...
Hamilton: She's faking! I'm gonna tell!
Joyce: *insane giggles*
Perry: Joyce hates Helen, which means she hates herself! Well, Joyce, Helen feels the same way. She's the REAL person and Dr. Bmzklfrpz is going to get rid of you! But you know who the murderer is.
Joyce: Yes, I saw the whole thing! It's........
Johnny: STOP! I DID IT, I DID IT! By the way I was going to marry Joyce but now I know she's not real!
Joyce: Ppppppt.
Della: Dibs on Joyce's fur coat because when Dr. Bmzklfrpz cures Helen of this dreaded disease she'll be allergic to fur. [and that is really what she said.]
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Well, happy Bastille Day a bit late.
Joyce: Hi! Let's have a drink! *hic*! glug glug Get me another one and make it a double. No, a triple. I'm going to need it just to get through this stupid episode.
Johnny: You're drinking too much, Joyce. I haven't seen you in a week. Why don't you be yourself?
Joyce: Hah hah hah hah hah hah! That's it, I haven't been "myself!" But tonight I'm going to be myself! *big kiss*
...THE NEXT MORNING...
Bob: Oh gee, my sister is so ill. What do you say, sis?
Helen: I had this terrible nightmare. I was dressed all slutty and drinking booze and I saw my former husband lying dead with a gun nearby. Eeek
Bob: Do you still have those horse tranquilizers the doc put you on?
Helen: Maybe they're in my purse. Why, this isn't my purse! It has the initials "JM" on it. And -- OMG there's a gun inside!
Perry: I can't take a case on just a nightmare.
Bob: My sister's nightmares have a way of proving themselves horribly real. I was the one who wanted to kill her ex, that shit, he was accusing her of misconduct and going to take her child away.
Perry: I can't take a case on just a nightmare.
Bob: What about the purse? I never saw it before last night. That's MY gun in there and it's been fired recently!
Perry: Wow, I guess that proves it.
Sexretary: Mr. Reed hasn't come into his office yet.
Perry: Looks like he's been murdered.
Mr. Vance (Mr. Reed's junior partner): Bullshit.
Perry: Bite me. (leaves)
Paul: There's a sexy blonde named Joyce Martel living at the Crestmont!
Perry: You've got all the sexy blondes in your rolodex. (walks into her apartment without knocking) Yep, there's Mr. Reed lying dead on the floor. And there's all this stuff with her monogram on it.
(Psychobabble about why she has to "assert her personality").
And the next few lines are verbatim: this is really what they said.
Perry: Well, come in, Lt. Tragg. We were just about to phone you.
Lt. Tragg: I bet. I'm surprised, Mason. A fashion plate like you in the company of anyone improperly attired. (Paul is still holding Joyce's black purse)
Mason: Yeah, I see what you mean, black bag, brown jacket. Well, some people just have no taste.
Tragg: Exactly. No private detective would be carrying an evening bag when dressed for the afternoon. Not even an ex private detective.
(Paul looks guilty as hell right here)
Paul: Now wait just a minute. Perry can explain everything.
Tragg: Yes, I'm sure he can.
I wonder how those three got through that scene without cracking up, especially Raymond Burr.
Perry: From this picture left in Helen's place it's clear that Joyce Martell is Helen Reed.
Paul: Who's the detective around here, you or me?
Perry: Ms. Reed, you left your mink stole with JM on it in the taxi.
Helen: It's not mine! I'm allergic to fur! I can't even have a cat *hack*wheeze*dies*
Bob: My sister always had this imaginary friend called Joyce Martell. She used to tell me Joyce was trying to kill me, because second personalities always try to kill everybody.
*Tragg hauls him away*
Perry: I think I'll go to that bar and pretend to be somebody else too. Maybe I'll get lucky. *snoops around, finds Joyce*
Perry: Hi, I brought your dead animal pelt, you left it in the taxi.
Joyce: Thanks. I hate Helen. I hope she dies. Phooey. *hic*
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: Joyce Martell is a distinct and separate personality who happens to be sharing the same body with Helen Reed.
Perry: Like Jekyll and Hyde.
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: That's a bit simplified for psychiatric purposes but it'll do. To a degree, Joyce and Helen are the living counterparts of that story -- with one exception. Joyce knows of this dual personality but Helen was completely unaware of Joyce's existence until recently when I started treating her.
Perry: How do these two women differ?
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: In any number of ways. Helen's allergic to fur, but it doesn't bother Joyce at all. Helen doesn't smoke or drink. Joyce does both to excess. As to their moral outlook, Helen is virtuous and Joyce is a complete slut and she could commit murder.
HAMILTON: It's just an alias, you dope.
PERRY: I wouldn't talk about "dope" if I were you.
PERRY: In your opinion what's is Mrs. Reed's condition?
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: She's a true schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is a disassociation of psychic function, commonly referred to as dual or split personality.
oh good god....
PERRY: Clear the courtroom, please, I want to call Joyce to the stand and that means TV HYPNOSIS!
next lines are verbatim:
HAMILTON: I never thought he'd put Helen on the stand. He's out of his mind!
TRAGG: Yes, but he's calling for Joyce Martell.
HAMILTON: Yes, but the law doesn't recognize dual personalities. He's left himself wide open.
Dr. Bmzklfrpz: Just relax and look at the kitty. You are getting verryeeee sleeepy.
... wooooOOOoooOoooOoo ...
Hamilton: She's faking! I'm gonna tell!
Joyce: *insane giggles*
Perry: Joyce hates Helen, which means she hates herself! Well, Joyce, Helen feels the same way. She's the REAL person and Dr. Bmzklfrpz is going to get rid of you! But you know who the murderer is.
Joyce: Yes, I saw the whole thing! It's........
Johnny: STOP! I DID IT, I DID IT! By the way I was going to marry Joyce but now I know she's not real!
Joyce: Ppppppt.
Della: Dibs on Joyce's fur coat because when Dr. Bmzklfrpz cures Helen of this dreaded disease she'll be allergic to fur. [and that is really what she said.]
*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*
Well, happy Bastille Day a bit late.