An addendum on my relationship blathering

[kshaw]

After a discussion with my friend The Philosopher, I came upon the root of what is truly the societal problem posed by the previous post (as it relates to the individual who has deep, non reciprocated feelings for a friend).

Comments

[rissacat]

My take on the topic: It's your -friendship- with your partner that gets you through the rough spots. Not the sex appeal, although that certainly helps. Not the romance, although, again, that can be nice. So, without building that friendship in advance, you are rolling the dice that shared experience and time will bring it around.

As for entering a friendship with ulterior motives: It can work out, BUT, without careful self-awareness, it can hurt the possibility of actually building a real friendship. This is because of the way the ulterior motive affects the behavior in the friendship. If the only goal in the "friendship" is to pursue and obtain a woman's affections, then odds are that the pursuer is behaving in a way that isn't really him in the long run. That individual will try to hide about his own quirks and imperfections, and put out extra "effort." Sometimes for months. Years, even. Then what happens when he succeeds? When he can finally relax from the chase?

At that point, from the woman's perspective, the guy she thought she knew changes. Maybe even becomes demanding. I've seen guys adopt the attitude of "I did so much for you, time for you to do right by me." They don't even realize they are doing it. It's fine to put the best foot forward at first, but a friendship is built on knowing a person's quirks and imperfections, and wanting to be around them despite them.

So, if a guy can enter a "friendship" with ulterior motives, but show his real self -before- he "gets the girl," with all the risks of rejection that involves, and the friendship is still good, then the relationship can work out. Not that it -will- work out, but that it has a chance.