Ruminations at the precipice (talk me down folks)
So my boy Elias and my cousin BJ and I were talking last night about stuff. We'd gone out with Ruth to Barnes and Noble and once we let her out of the car I was like, "Please... we need to leave now!" I have a few friends read my blog who know how... 'obsessive' I get.
Right now I'm frustrated because after a year I still can't get over this girl. Somehow I still have it fixed in my mind that I should have been with this girl. My feelings are like a bad cough after the flew that just wont go away. So as we talked, out of desperation I was like, "I need to totally distance myself from this girl" if that meant dropping out of teaching Sabbath School, or whatever, then so be it. I can't be friends with her. It affects me just seeing her, or when I get a call from her. I thought I'd left my feelings behind but somehow, for some reason as the year ended they started rising up again. Uh Uh, no way. Not happening.
I'm not the guy that veritably stalked is high school crush in high school leaving a gift box on her doorstep of my warlock talisman.
I'm not the guy that was ready to leave G-d because the Lord let a girl he liked hook up with another guy who got her pregnant during a bible study (another high school incident).
I'm not the guy who resorts to cajoling and bargaining with a girl to be in a relationship. After all, relationships aren't used cars, and I'm not a salesman.
I'm not the guy who can't even be trusted to sleep in the same bed with a girl without letting his hands roam.
I refuse to allow my mind and self-respect to go places I've worked hard to keep myself from. I'M NOT THAT GUY!
Whew. For a minute there I lost myself.
In any case Elias *did* let me know that evidently I've failed to realize how much to keep myself on reserve. Ya, I'm lively, ya I'm bursting forth with personality. I'm anything *but* dull. Yet is that proper being in the position of leadership that I'm in? It's crazy because I'd had a sit-down (all be it on the phone) with Pastor Alex's wife about my behavior. She stated that at times I could be a bit too hyper, and then get silly. Which could affect how people see me not just off the pulpit but on it as well. Sure I say stuff and don't necessarilly mean half of it. Yet how does that help me when I *am* being serious. I really appreciated the talk, and thought I'd settled down. Evidently, either the damage has been done or I haven't succeded enough.
So now for the first time I'm really wondering if I should just walk away from temple. My sister and I know that at any job we're in we have a grace period in which we really excel at what we do before we start gooffing up and aren't the model employees. Maybe after the 3+ years I'm been serving Beth T it's time for a change. Maybe it's time to go. Where I'd go or what I'd do..? I don't know. I still feel like I should be doing ministry. Yet not there, especially not after the passport incident (see the Dec. 8th post of 2008). I can only see myself proceeding with the fail. That's gonna reflect on not just me, but the Father as well. I'm thinking of just removing myself. My life has been filled with changes in sceneries and new places, new jobs. Being one place for so long is evidently wearing on me.
Ergo, vis a vis, I see two major reasons for me to end things at Beth T.
a.)For my own emotional health. So I don't become stalker dude.
b.)For the well being of my ministry and so I can once again try my hand at being a "respectable pastor".
Right now I'm frustrated because after a year I still can't get over this girl. Somehow I still have it fixed in my mind that I should have been with this girl. My feelings are like a bad cough after the flew that just wont go away. So as we talked, out of desperation I was like, "I need to totally distance myself from this girl" if that meant dropping out of teaching Sabbath School, or whatever, then so be it. I can't be friends with her. It affects me just seeing her, or when I get a call from her. I thought I'd left my feelings behind but somehow, for some reason as the year ended they started rising up again. Uh Uh, no way. Not happening.
I'm not the guy that veritably stalked is high school crush in high school leaving a gift box on her doorstep of my warlock talisman.
I'm not the guy that was ready to leave G-d because the Lord let a girl he liked hook up with another guy who got her pregnant during a bible study (another high school incident).
I'm not the guy who resorts to cajoling and bargaining with a girl to be in a relationship. After all, relationships aren't used cars, and I'm not a salesman.
I'm not the guy who can't even be trusted to sleep in the same bed with a girl without letting his hands roam.
I refuse to allow my mind and self-respect to go places I've worked hard to keep myself from. I'M NOT THAT GUY!
Whew. For a minute there I lost myself.
In any case Elias *did* let me know that evidently I've failed to realize how much to keep myself on reserve. Ya, I'm lively, ya I'm bursting forth with personality. I'm anything *but* dull. Yet is that proper being in the position of leadership that I'm in? It's crazy because I'd had a sit-down (all be it on the phone) with Pastor Alex's wife about my behavior. She stated that at times I could be a bit too hyper, and then get silly. Which could affect how people see me not just off the pulpit but on it as well. Sure I say stuff and don't necessarilly mean half of it. Yet how does that help me when I *am* being serious. I really appreciated the talk, and thought I'd settled down. Evidently, either the damage has been done or I haven't succeded enough.
So now for the first time I'm really wondering if I should just walk away from temple. My sister and I know that at any job we're in we have a grace period in which we really excel at what we do before we start gooffing up and aren't the model employees. Maybe after the 3+ years I'm been serving Beth T it's time for a change. Maybe it's time to go. Where I'd go or what I'd do..? I don't know. I still feel like I should be doing ministry. Yet not there, especially not after the passport incident (see the Dec. 8th post of 2008). I can only see myself proceeding with the fail. That's gonna reflect on not just me, but the Father as well. I'm thinking of just removing myself. My life has been filled with changes in sceneries and new places, new jobs. Being one place for so long is evidently wearing on me.
Ergo, vis a vis, I see two major reasons for me to end things at Beth T.
a.)For my own emotional health. So I don't become stalker dude.
b.)For the well being of my ministry and so I can once again try my hand at being a "respectable pastor".