Week 16: Thunder Clap
Since my downfall seven years ago, I knew this day was coming. My confession, my apology. I had other opportunities to do this, but postponed it until I felt ready. Too embarrassed and too ashamed to call the attention to myself.
Funny, isn't it? I'm in this position because of the attention. I craved it. It was a my favorite drug. It made me feel incredible, but ultimately destroyed me.
At the height of my fame, I was interviewed by Barbara Walters. It was an hour long special that appeared on prime time television. Now, I'm being interviewed by Barbara Weathers, an unknown weather woman (appropriate) turned syndicated talk show host.
Ms. Weathers is young. Probably too young to remember the details of my scandal. Perhaps that's why I granted her the interview. She wouldn't take my past deceit personally.
I didn't watch "The Barbara Weathers Show" before my appearance, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I prepared myself for the worst. Yelling, belittling, name calling. Maybe even an audience member trying to attack me on the stage.
The following is an unofficial transcript of my interview on "The Barbara Weathers Show." (Any notes/comments/thoughts by me that were not said during the interview will be in brackets.)
BW: Self Improvement is a multi-million dollar industry. There are self improvement books, CDs, DVDs, podcasts. My guest today is someone who made a living in the Self Help Industry. A former motivational speaker, who, almost a decade ago, was found to be a fraud. [Some "Ohhs" and gasps from the audience.] The stories she used as motivation were all lies. You may know her as Sunny Jacobs, please welcome Vanessa Jacobson.
[A mixture of boos and polite applause as I walked out and sat in a chair that is separated from Barbara's by a little table. There was a couch next to me. That's my clue that I won't be alone during the interview.]
BW: Thank you for coming, Vanessa. Now, first let me ask about your name. Most people know you as Sunny Jacobs. Why did you lie about your name?
Me: It was a stage name. I wanted a first name that conveyed happiness. In fact, I legally changed my name to Sunny Jacobs after I published my first book. I have since changed it back.
BW: Do you consider your stage name your first public lie?
Me: No. If I was asked, I would tell my real name.
BW: Tell me about Thunderclap, Inc.
Me: [I smiled, sadly.] That was my company. My baby. I published my books, released all my merchandise, and toured under Thunderclap.
BW: You've said that name came from important moments in your life occurred during storms.
Me: Partly. From what I was told, I was born during a thunderstorm. I came out with a loud clap of thunder. I also graduated during a thunderstorm.
BW: What an entrance! [We laughed.]
Me: The biggest reason I chose the name Thunderclap was because how it made me feel. A lot of people are afraid of thunderstorms. Or the storms make people anxious. But after that loud thunderclap, they realize it wasn't so bad. I felt that most people that read my books or came to my lectures just needed do to get past that thunderclap.
BW: What happened at one of your lectures?
Me: There were some activities. I would have each person think about their wildest dreams. And I would choose a few to tell me what theirs was, and ask about obstacles to achieving them. Then others would suggest possible ways to overcome those obstacles.
BW: And you told them about some of your [she uses air quotes on the next three words] real life experiences.
Me: Yes. Some of them were true.
BW: What are some of the true things you said?
Me: I worked to put myself through community college. I started a four year college, but dropped out after a semester when I was assaulted on campus.
BW: So the assault was true?
Me: Unfortunately, yes.
BW: During your lectures you said one of your proudest moments was when you felt ready to forgive your assailant. True?
Me: If I ever actually felt that way, then it would be true. [Barbara looked confused, so I continued.] I never forgave him or even felt close to forgiving him. I definitely would feel proud of myself if I did.
BW: But why lie about that?
Me: [I took a couple seconds before answering] The lies I told made me who I wanted to be. I lied about forgiving this person, because I wanted to be the person that can forgive someone after a heinous act.
BW: Did you have to check yourself into rehab for alcohol addiction?
Me: No.
BW: In your books, you said you did.
Me: [I nodded] Yes.
BW: Did you want to be a recovering alcoholic? You did say that your lies created the person you wanted to be.
Me: I apologize. I misspoke. Some of the lies I told like the forgiving, or the month long vow of poverty, those made up the person I wanted to be. Some things I made up or altered because I didn't want to reveal the truth.
BW: And what is the truth?
Me: [Tears sprung to my eyes. Barbara handed me a tissue. I shook my head. Mad that I allowed myself to go blindly into an interview. When you have a manager, or a publicist, this doesn't happen. The interviewer is given a list of "off limit" topics beforehand.]
BW: [Thankfully, gave me time to compose myself. Looking into the camera.] We'll be right back.
[Applause]
[During the break Barbara reaches over and squeezed my hand. "You're doing great. Next segment might be a bit difficult, though."]
[Applause]
BW: Welcome back. I'm here with Vanessa Jacobson. Better known as Sunny Jacobs, disgraced Self Help Guru. [I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.] Before the break, we were talking about some of the lies--or stories--that you told at speaking engagements and in your books. [I nodded.] You said you were not in rehab for alcohol.
Me: That is correct.
BW: But, you do know someone who was.
Me: [My jaw dropped. I was in disbelief and didn't know what to say.]
BW: Your mom had a few stays in rehab for alcohol addiction. In fact you are the one that got her admitted the first time. [I continued to gape at her. How did she know this? I never told anyone.] I can see your shock.
Me: Yes, I am. I don't talk about this because I don't feel like it's my place to.
BW: [Nodded] It would be your mom's?
Me: Yes.
BW: Well. [I knew where this was going, and felt a bit uneasy.] We have your mom, Iris, here. Iris, come on out. [I couldn't help but notice that my mom got more applause than I did. She came out, shook hands with Barbara, and hugged me. She sat next to me.]
Me: Mom! You didn't tell me you were coming! [Laughter from the audience.]
BW: So you and your mom still talk?
Me: Yes! A couple times a week.
BW: Iris, how many times have you gone to rehab for alcohol
Iris: Five. I think this last one took, though. I've been sober for three years now. [Applause from the audience. I grabbed her hand and squeezed.]
BW: Did you know that Vanessa was telling people in her talks, books, and interviews that it was her that went to rehab?
Iris: I didn't know it at the time. But I found out after everything came out.
BW: Why do you think she lied about it?
Iris: She probably was ashamed of me, and didn't want people to know that her mom is a drunk.
Me: Mom, no!
BW: Well, Vanessa. Why did you tell people that it was you that went into to rehab and not your mom?
Me: [I paused, and thought of how to best explain myself.] It's a few different things. First, I thought I would be more interesting if it happened to me. That rehab was my first hand experience. Plus, I thought it would make me more relatable to my fans that had issues with addiction. And...[I stopped, unable to speak, for fear of breaking down.]
Iris: Nessa, you can say it. Don't be afraid of offending me.
Me: [I nodded and took a deep breath] My mom's stints in rehab were not something I felt comfortable sharing. I felt so much resentment towards her, and to alcoholics in general because of her, that I was afraid that by discussing her, I would alienate not just my fans, but friends and family.
BW: Resentment?
Me: My mom was not pleasant when she was drunk. She made me miserable. Always mean and negative. Then when confronted, she would cry and blame me for her drinking. She was the nicest person when she was sober. But I didn't want to be around her when she was drinking. It got to the point where I didn't want to see her at all. I was losing all patience with her.
BW: You didn't think your fans could relate to that? Being the daughter of an alcoholic or the family member of an alcoholic?
Me: Some probably could. But most of my fans were people people who had fallen on hard times and wanted to know there was a way out.
BW: Iris, did you know Vanessa felt this way?
Iris: I did. I didn't care. I just saw it as another excuse to keep drinking. Drown my sorrows. Then one day, I realized that it was my fault she felt that way. She wasn't the spoiled brat I thought she was.
BW: Iris, do you have any resentment towards you daughter? About her success based on lies?
Iris: How can I? I'm responsible for a lot of it. I could have outed her early on, but she was making a lot of money and giving it to me. I wasn't going to jeopardize that. Plus, I've told many lies. How could I resent her for doing what I do?
BW: [Nodded.] Thank you for joining us, Iris. [She turned to the camera in the audience.] When we get back, we'll separate the truth from the lies. Stay tuned.
[During the break, my mom gave both me and Barbara a hug. I told her that I loved her, and she walked off the stage. A man brought Barbara a stack of light purple index cards. "Compared to the last segment, this should be pretty easy," Barbara assured me.]
Barbara: [Looked back into the camera.] Welcome back. If you're just joining us, we're here with Vanessa Jacobson, known to many as former motivational speaker Sunny Jacobs. She was wildly popular, but built her fame on a foundation of lies. [Again, I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. Barbara looked at me.] You've told me that not all of the experiences you said you had were lies. I have some of your claims here. [She waved the stack of index cards.] You tell me what is true, and what isn't.
Me: [I nodded.] Okay.
BW: Spent a year in Haiti building schools?
Me: Not true. I did volunteer with Habitat with Humanity, and donated to victims of the earthquake.
BW: Saved a child from drowning?
Me: Exaggeration. I saw a boy struggling in the deep end of a pool, and helped him get to the side.
BW: Fought a bear?
Me: [I burst out laughing.] Was that something I said? Oh no. What was wrong with me? Completely false. [The audience laughed, too.]
BW: Got money for sex?
Me: Never.
BW: Was homeless?
Me: Yes. It was after I dropped out of college. I didn't want to move back in with my mother.
BW: Climbed Mount Everest?
Me: No.
BW: Helped deliver a baby?
Me: No.
BW: [She put her stack on index cards on the table between us.] The big question. Why lie?
Me: I really believed I was helping people. If telling some stories was going to better people's lives, then I was going to do it. I told a lot of lies, but I did help a lot of people. Yes, I've gotten plenty of hate mail over these last several years. But I've also gotten a lot of letters thanking me for helping.
BW: What do you want to say to the people that spent money on your books, your lectures?
Me: Thank you for the support you gave me during my career. And I'm truly sorry for all the lies. I hope that each and everyone of you find the happiness you deserve.
BW: Thank you for coming, Vanessa. [She looked into the camera.] And thank you all for watching. Until next time, I'm Barbara Weathers.
***
After the taping, I met my mom in the green room, and we walked out to our cars together. The sky was dark, even though it was still early afternoon.
"Looks like it's going to rain," I commented.
"So, what now?" My mom asked.
"Are you hungry? Do you want to go to lunch?"
"That's not what I'm asking. What is next in the life of Vanessa Jacobson? I know you were good with saving and investing, but you need something. You can't just be a hermit the rest of your life."
I thought for a moment, then, "Well, I've been thinking of taking some creative writing classes. Maybe try to write a novel. Or a collection of short stories. I'm pretty good at making things up."
We both jumped at a loud crack of thunder.
"We should get going before the skies open up," my mom said as she hurried to her car.
I looked up at the sky. "Writing classes it is," I said as I walked to my car.
Funny, isn't it? I'm in this position because of the attention. I craved it. It was a my favorite drug. It made me feel incredible, but ultimately destroyed me.
At the height of my fame, I was interviewed by Barbara Walters. It was an hour long special that appeared on prime time television. Now, I'm being interviewed by Barbara Weathers, an unknown weather woman (appropriate) turned syndicated talk show host.
Ms. Weathers is young. Probably too young to remember the details of my scandal. Perhaps that's why I granted her the interview. She wouldn't take my past deceit personally.
I didn't watch "The Barbara Weathers Show" before my appearance, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I prepared myself for the worst. Yelling, belittling, name calling. Maybe even an audience member trying to attack me on the stage.
The following is an unofficial transcript of my interview on "The Barbara Weathers Show." (Any notes/comments/thoughts by me that were not said during the interview will be in brackets.)
BW: Self Improvement is a multi-million dollar industry. There are self improvement books, CDs, DVDs, podcasts. My guest today is someone who made a living in the Self Help Industry. A former motivational speaker, who, almost a decade ago, was found to be a fraud. [Some "Ohhs" and gasps from the audience.] The stories she used as motivation were all lies. You may know her as Sunny Jacobs, please welcome Vanessa Jacobson.
[A mixture of boos and polite applause as I walked out and sat in a chair that is separated from Barbara's by a little table. There was a couch next to me. That's my clue that I won't be alone during the interview.]
BW: Thank you for coming, Vanessa. Now, first let me ask about your name. Most people know you as Sunny Jacobs. Why did you lie about your name?
Me: It was a stage name. I wanted a first name that conveyed happiness. In fact, I legally changed my name to Sunny Jacobs after I published my first book. I have since changed it back.
BW: Do you consider your stage name your first public lie?
Me: No. If I was asked, I would tell my real name.
BW: Tell me about Thunderclap, Inc.
Me: [I smiled, sadly.] That was my company. My baby. I published my books, released all my merchandise, and toured under Thunderclap.
BW: You've said that name came from important moments in your life occurred during storms.
Me: Partly. From what I was told, I was born during a thunderstorm. I came out with a loud clap of thunder. I also graduated during a thunderstorm.
BW: What an entrance! [We laughed.]
Me: The biggest reason I chose the name Thunderclap was because how it made me feel. A lot of people are afraid of thunderstorms. Or the storms make people anxious. But after that loud thunderclap, they realize it wasn't so bad. I felt that most people that read my books or came to my lectures just needed do to get past that thunderclap.
BW: What happened at one of your lectures?
Me: There were some activities. I would have each person think about their wildest dreams. And I would choose a few to tell me what theirs was, and ask about obstacles to achieving them. Then others would suggest possible ways to overcome those obstacles.
BW: And you told them about some of your [she uses air quotes on the next three words] real life experiences.
Me: Yes. Some of them were true.
BW: What are some of the true things you said?
Me: I worked to put myself through community college. I started a four year college, but dropped out after a semester when I was assaulted on campus.
BW: So the assault was true?
Me: Unfortunately, yes.
BW: During your lectures you said one of your proudest moments was when you felt ready to forgive your assailant. True?
Me: If I ever actually felt that way, then it would be true. [Barbara looked confused, so I continued.] I never forgave him or even felt close to forgiving him. I definitely would feel proud of myself if I did.
BW: But why lie about that?
Me: [I took a couple seconds before answering] The lies I told made me who I wanted to be. I lied about forgiving this person, because I wanted to be the person that can forgive someone after a heinous act.
BW: Did you have to check yourself into rehab for alcohol addiction?
Me: No.
BW: In your books, you said you did.
Me: [I nodded] Yes.
BW: Did you want to be a recovering alcoholic? You did say that your lies created the person you wanted to be.
Me: I apologize. I misspoke. Some of the lies I told like the forgiving, or the month long vow of poverty, those made up the person I wanted to be. Some things I made up or altered because I didn't want to reveal the truth.
BW: And what is the truth?
Me: [Tears sprung to my eyes. Barbara handed me a tissue. I shook my head. Mad that I allowed myself to go blindly into an interview. When you have a manager, or a publicist, this doesn't happen. The interviewer is given a list of "off limit" topics beforehand.]
BW: [Thankfully, gave me time to compose myself. Looking into the camera.] We'll be right back.
[Applause]
[During the break Barbara reaches over and squeezed my hand. "You're doing great. Next segment might be a bit difficult, though."]
[Applause]
BW: Welcome back. I'm here with Vanessa Jacobson. Better known as Sunny Jacobs, disgraced Self Help Guru. [I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.] Before the break, we were talking about some of the lies--or stories--that you told at speaking engagements and in your books. [I nodded.] You said you were not in rehab for alcohol.
Me: That is correct.
BW: But, you do know someone who was.
Me: [My jaw dropped. I was in disbelief and didn't know what to say.]
BW: Your mom had a few stays in rehab for alcohol addiction. In fact you are the one that got her admitted the first time. [I continued to gape at her. How did she know this? I never told anyone.] I can see your shock.
Me: Yes, I am. I don't talk about this because I don't feel like it's my place to.
BW: [Nodded] It would be your mom's?
Me: Yes.
BW: Well. [I knew where this was going, and felt a bit uneasy.] We have your mom, Iris, here. Iris, come on out. [I couldn't help but notice that my mom got more applause than I did. She came out, shook hands with Barbara, and hugged me. She sat next to me.]
Me: Mom! You didn't tell me you were coming! [Laughter from the audience.]
BW: So you and your mom still talk?
Me: Yes! A couple times a week.
BW: Iris, how many times have you gone to rehab for alcohol
Iris: Five. I think this last one took, though. I've been sober for three years now. [Applause from the audience. I grabbed her hand and squeezed.]
BW: Did you know that Vanessa was telling people in her talks, books, and interviews that it was her that went to rehab?
Iris: I didn't know it at the time. But I found out after everything came out.
BW: Why do you think she lied about it?
Iris: She probably was ashamed of me, and didn't want people to know that her mom is a drunk.
Me: Mom, no!
BW: Well, Vanessa. Why did you tell people that it was you that went into to rehab and not your mom?
Me: [I paused, and thought of how to best explain myself.] It's a few different things. First, I thought I would be more interesting if it happened to me. That rehab was my first hand experience. Plus, I thought it would make me more relatable to my fans that had issues with addiction. And...[I stopped, unable to speak, for fear of breaking down.]
Iris: Nessa, you can say it. Don't be afraid of offending me.
Me: [I nodded and took a deep breath] My mom's stints in rehab were not something I felt comfortable sharing. I felt so much resentment towards her, and to alcoholics in general because of her, that I was afraid that by discussing her, I would alienate not just my fans, but friends and family.
BW: Resentment?
Me: My mom was not pleasant when she was drunk. She made me miserable. Always mean and negative. Then when confronted, she would cry and blame me for her drinking. She was the nicest person when she was sober. But I didn't want to be around her when she was drinking. It got to the point where I didn't want to see her at all. I was losing all patience with her.
BW: You didn't think your fans could relate to that? Being the daughter of an alcoholic or the family member of an alcoholic?
Me: Some probably could. But most of my fans were people people who had fallen on hard times and wanted to know there was a way out.
BW: Iris, did you know Vanessa felt this way?
Iris: I did. I didn't care. I just saw it as another excuse to keep drinking. Drown my sorrows. Then one day, I realized that it was my fault she felt that way. She wasn't the spoiled brat I thought she was.
BW: Iris, do you have any resentment towards you daughter? About her success based on lies?
Iris: How can I? I'm responsible for a lot of it. I could have outed her early on, but she was making a lot of money and giving it to me. I wasn't going to jeopardize that. Plus, I've told many lies. How could I resent her for doing what I do?
BW: [Nodded.] Thank you for joining us, Iris. [She turned to the camera in the audience.] When we get back, we'll separate the truth from the lies. Stay tuned.
[During the break, my mom gave both me and Barbara a hug. I told her that I loved her, and she walked off the stage. A man brought Barbara a stack of light purple index cards. "Compared to the last segment, this should be pretty easy," Barbara assured me.]
Barbara: [Looked back into the camera.] Welcome back. If you're just joining us, we're here with Vanessa Jacobson, known to many as former motivational speaker Sunny Jacobs. She was wildly popular, but built her fame on a foundation of lies. [Again, I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. Barbara looked at me.] You've told me that not all of the experiences you said you had were lies. I have some of your claims here. [She waved the stack of index cards.] You tell me what is true, and what isn't.
Me: [I nodded.] Okay.
BW: Spent a year in Haiti building schools?
Me: Not true. I did volunteer with Habitat with Humanity, and donated to victims of the earthquake.
BW: Saved a child from drowning?
Me: Exaggeration. I saw a boy struggling in the deep end of a pool, and helped him get to the side.
BW: Fought a bear?
Me: [I burst out laughing.] Was that something I said? Oh no. What was wrong with me? Completely false. [The audience laughed, too.]
BW: Got money for sex?
Me: Never.
BW: Was homeless?
Me: Yes. It was after I dropped out of college. I didn't want to move back in with my mother.
BW: Climbed Mount Everest?
Me: No.
BW: Helped deliver a baby?
Me: No.
BW: [She put her stack on index cards on the table between us.] The big question. Why lie?
Me: I really believed I was helping people. If telling some stories was going to better people's lives, then I was going to do it. I told a lot of lies, but I did help a lot of people. Yes, I've gotten plenty of hate mail over these last several years. But I've also gotten a lot of letters thanking me for helping.
BW: What do you want to say to the people that spent money on your books, your lectures?
Me: Thank you for the support you gave me during my career. And I'm truly sorry for all the lies. I hope that each and everyone of you find the happiness you deserve.
BW: Thank you for coming, Vanessa. [She looked into the camera.] And thank you all for watching. Until next time, I'm Barbara Weathers.
***
After the taping, I met my mom in the green room, and we walked out to our cars together. The sky was dark, even though it was still early afternoon.
"Looks like it's going to rain," I commented.
"So, what now?" My mom asked.
"Are you hungry? Do you want to go to lunch?"
"That's not what I'm asking. What is next in the life of Vanessa Jacobson? I know you were good with saving and investing, but you need something. You can't just be a hermit the rest of your life."
I thought for a moment, then, "Well, I've been thinking of taking some creative writing classes. Maybe try to write a novel. Or a collection of short stories. I'm pretty good at making things up."
We both jumped at a loud crack of thunder.
"We should get going before the skies open up," my mom said as she hurried to her car.
I looked up at the sky. "Writing classes it is," I said as I walked to my car.