Week 6: Heel Turn
For two of my friends, Mr. P turned heel a couple years before we started dating. He had dated another one of their friends; she accused him of cheating and stalking.
Of course, I didn't believe it.
For my family, Mr. P turned heel a couple days after we broke up, and he got me checked into a psych ward.
And I just saw him as a knight in shining armor, trying to save me.
There were so many times where I can say that was the moment he turned heel. Now, I can see those times. I couldn't see them when we were together.
It could have been the time when I felt a little pretty wearing a sweater, skirt and boots for my work Christmas lunch. When I got to his place later, still dressed up (for me that's dressed up), he complained that he needed my help with fixing his water bed, and how was I going to help wearing "secretary clothes." So, I changed into something more appropriate. I helped him with the bed. And when we were finished, he complained that he didn't really get to see me dressed up. So, I put on the "secretary clothes" again, to make him happy.
He probably apologized later. And said all the things that my 24-year-old heart wanted to hear. So, I forgave him. That wasn't his heel turn.
It could have been when I wrote a little essay about him. About how I never know which Mr. P I'd get when I saw him. Whether it was going to be the one who was sweet to me, who made me feel that I deserved to be happy. Or, was it going to be the Mr. P who I could not please. The one who could make me feel like a piece of shit with just a glance.
Oh, stupid, foolish me. I saw it. I saw how he could be. But, still in my eyes, he hadn't turned heel.
I could have agreed with my family and saw his heel turn when he dropped me off in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit). Admittedly, it may have been good for me to work on my depression. But my first 2.5 weeks there, I was working on myself for him. I wanted to beat my depression so I could be with him again. But those first couple weeks, he abandoned me. Dropped me off, and didn't contact me. Didn't return my calls or visit me. I was discharged on a Thursday. The next Monday, I was back. This time, to hell with Mr. P. I was working on me for me. In fact (bad idea as this could be) there was a guy on the unit who I kind of liked. Maybe I was moving on.
I don't know how Mr. P knew that his hold on me was depleting, but he started visiting me on the unit. Giving me hope. Even when he told me he was dating someone else, he waved it off saying it was temporary. That his parents thought she was nice, but she wasn't me.
Why didn't I see that manipulation as a heel turn? Hell, why didn't I see that manipulation?
There were so many other instances that should have thrown up red flags. I ruined a couple of decent relationships with pretty good guys because of Mr. P. Because of this power that I let him have over me. He'd tell me he wasn't happy with whoever he was with. I'd try to be a good friend. Supporting him, feeding his ego. I would never push him to break up with whoever he was with. There were times I would tell him that he should try and work it out. But he would say that he loved me. He would say that we should be together.
I would love to say that one day I woke up and realized how manipulative he was, and saw him for who he really was. But that's now how it happened. No, his heel turn in my eyes took a couple months.
It started off with him complaining about his latest girlfriend. How he was sick of her. That he should have never ended things with me. At the time, I was "talking" to a guy that seemed pretty cool. Mr. P knew about that. He probably felt his hold on me slipping, so he wanted to throw some false hope out there for me. And I held onto it like it was a rope saving me from drowning.
When talking to Mr. P about his latest girlfriend, I did have that hope of being with him again. But I never pushed the break up. I wanted him to be happy. Maybe he was being too hard on this girlfriend? Maybe she would be the one to make him happy? If he wanted to be with me, it was going to be his decision.
After a few weeks of him complaining about her, he broke up with her. He eluded to us being together again. Finally, after 3.5 years, I would have him back.
Obviously, I had learned nothing.
He warned me a week before Valentine's Day, that he would be spending it with her. He reassured me that it wasn't a date or anything. They had bought concert tickets before they broke up, and both still wanted to go. I wasn't going to stop him. I figured we would be together eventually. So what did I care?
A few days after Valentine’s Day, I heard from him. He told me that he and the ex he spent Valentine's Day with, have decided to work things out.
Once again I was heartbroken. Once again I felt like a fool.
A week or two later, Mr. P calls me demanding to know why I sent an email to his girlfriend. I didn't send an email, so I had no idea what he was talking about. He said it came from an anonymous account, but my name was signed to it. There were pieces of Instant Messages between us where I was "pushing the breakup." Oh, and there were photos of me "showing skin."
So many problems with this story. First, I did not know his girlfriend's email address. Second, I never pushed the breakup. And third, I've always been self-conscious. I don't even take pictures showing skin, let alone distribute them to people I don't know.
He ended the conversation saying he'll "look into it". Whatever that meant. Eventually he got back to me saying that we can't talk anymore; I represent sin and temptation.
That email. Did it exist? I didn't think so. I was convinced he was lying about it, as an excuse to push me out of his life again. This was the second time an email like this was sent to one of his girlfriends. An email from an anonymous address. Sent by me. Yes. The second time. I didn't think the first one existed either. But, I had to know.
I didn't remember which ex had supposedly gotten the email, but I knew it was between two. I found them both on Facebook, and messaged them. One, never answered me. The other did.
She really did get an email. I don't remember what it had said, but she truly believed I had sent it. Even after telling her it wasn't me, she pretty much said I was delusional.
So, if these emails really exist, and I know for a fact that I didn't send them, then it had to be Mr. P. I don't know why. What motive did he have? Maybe he wanted his girlfriends to hate me? Maybe he fantasized about two women fighting over him?
Honestly, I have no idea. But that was the moment he turned heel in my eyes.
Of course, I didn't believe it.
For my family, Mr. P turned heel a couple days after we broke up, and he got me checked into a psych ward.
And I just saw him as a knight in shining armor, trying to save me.
There were so many times where I can say that was the moment he turned heel. Now, I can see those times. I couldn't see them when we were together.
It could have been the time when I felt a little pretty wearing a sweater, skirt and boots for my work Christmas lunch. When I got to his place later, still dressed up (for me that's dressed up), he complained that he needed my help with fixing his water bed, and how was I going to help wearing "secretary clothes." So, I changed into something more appropriate. I helped him with the bed. And when we were finished, he complained that he didn't really get to see me dressed up. So, I put on the "secretary clothes" again, to make him happy.
He probably apologized later. And said all the things that my 24-year-old heart wanted to hear. So, I forgave him. That wasn't his heel turn.
It could have been when I wrote a little essay about him. About how I never know which Mr. P I'd get when I saw him. Whether it was going to be the one who was sweet to me, who made me feel that I deserved to be happy. Or, was it going to be the Mr. P who I could not please. The one who could make me feel like a piece of shit with just a glance.
Oh, stupid, foolish me. I saw it. I saw how he could be. But, still in my eyes, he hadn't turned heel.
I could have agreed with my family and saw his heel turn when he dropped me off in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit). Admittedly, it may have been good for me to work on my depression. But my first 2.5 weeks there, I was working on myself for him. I wanted to beat my depression so I could be with him again. But those first couple weeks, he abandoned me. Dropped me off, and didn't contact me. Didn't return my calls or visit me. I was discharged on a Thursday. The next Monday, I was back. This time, to hell with Mr. P. I was working on me for me. In fact (bad idea as this could be) there was a guy on the unit who I kind of liked. Maybe I was moving on.
I don't know how Mr. P knew that his hold on me was depleting, but he started visiting me on the unit. Giving me hope. Even when he told me he was dating someone else, he waved it off saying it was temporary. That his parents thought she was nice, but she wasn't me.
Why didn't I see that manipulation as a heel turn? Hell, why didn't I see that manipulation?
There were so many other instances that should have thrown up red flags. I ruined a couple of decent relationships with pretty good guys because of Mr. P. Because of this power that I let him have over me. He'd tell me he wasn't happy with whoever he was with. I'd try to be a good friend. Supporting him, feeding his ego. I would never push him to break up with whoever he was with. There were times I would tell him that he should try and work it out. But he would say that he loved me. He would say that we should be together.
I would love to say that one day I woke up and realized how manipulative he was, and saw him for who he really was. But that's now how it happened. No, his heel turn in my eyes took a couple months.
It started off with him complaining about his latest girlfriend. How he was sick of her. That he should have never ended things with me. At the time, I was "talking" to a guy that seemed pretty cool. Mr. P knew about that. He probably felt his hold on me slipping, so he wanted to throw some false hope out there for me. And I held onto it like it was a rope saving me from drowning.
When talking to Mr. P about his latest girlfriend, I did have that hope of being with him again. But I never pushed the break up. I wanted him to be happy. Maybe he was being too hard on this girlfriend? Maybe she would be the one to make him happy? If he wanted to be with me, it was going to be his decision.
After a few weeks of him complaining about her, he broke up with her. He eluded to us being together again. Finally, after 3.5 years, I would have him back.
Obviously, I had learned nothing.
He warned me a week before Valentine's Day, that he would be spending it with her. He reassured me that it wasn't a date or anything. They had bought concert tickets before they broke up, and both still wanted to go. I wasn't going to stop him. I figured we would be together eventually. So what did I care?
A few days after Valentine’s Day, I heard from him. He told me that he and the ex he spent Valentine's Day with, have decided to work things out.
Once again I was heartbroken. Once again I felt like a fool.
A week or two later, Mr. P calls me demanding to know why I sent an email to his girlfriend. I didn't send an email, so I had no idea what he was talking about. He said it came from an anonymous account, but my name was signed to it. There were pieces of Instant Messages between us where I was "pushing the breakup." Oh, and there were photos of me "showing skin."
So many problems with this story. First, I did not know his girlfriend's email address. Second, I never pushed the breakup. And third, I've always been self-conscious. I don't even take pictures showing skin, let alone distribute them to people I don't know.
He ended the conversation saying he'll "look into it". Whatever that meant. Eventually he got back to me saying that we can't talk anymore; I represent sin and temptation.
That email. Did it exist? I didn't think so. I was convinced he was lying about it, as an excuse to push me out of his life again. This was the second time an email like this was sent to one of his girlfriends. An email from an anonymous address. Sent by me. Yes. The second time. I didn't think the first one existed either. But, I had to know.
I didn't remember which ex had supposedly gotten the email, but I knew it was between two. I found them both on Facebook, and messaged them. One, never answered me. The other did.
She really did get an email. I don't remember what it had said, but she truly believed I had sent it. Even after telling her it wasn't me, she pretty much said I was delusional.
So, if these emails really exist, and I know for a fact that I didn't send them, then it had to be Mr. P. I don't know why. What motive did he have? Maybe he wanted his girlfriends to hate me? Maybe he fantasized about two women fighting over him?
Honestly, I have no idea. But that was the moment he turned heel in my eyes.