I've missed this place....
Mostly because it always seemed to spark my writing. I don't know what happened, but somewhere between moving and finding a new job and getting settled in my new situation in life, I forgot about writing. It pains me at times, that I don't write anymore. But most of the time I'm too preoccupied with other things to even realize that it's missing. When I do realize it, and see how long I haven't noticed it was gone, it hurts. This was my passion, this was what I spent 3 and a half years and nearly 50K on, and it feels like I'm not using it at all. Granted, my job requires a college degree, and some of the things I studied help me in my work, but I wanted it to mean something more. I wanted it to be an avenue of creation. I haven't created anything in months. No, that's a lie, I've been photographing. But I havent been sharing, I haven't been putting myself out there.
A lot has been going on that should inspire me to write. New life beginning around me, precious life being stolen away to early, being ended prematurely by decisions I will never understand. Tiny hands grasping my finger, eyes wildly taking in every moment. Hands slipping away as eyes that have seen more than anyone should see or experience in one lifetime closing for a final time. Closing in a world thousands of miles away, closing on a world I only glipsed once, but desired so greatly to return, and probably never will now. New life tastes, smells, feels new things--soft, tender, gentle things. Lost life has felt the harsh reality, no longer wrapped in the safety of loving family.
I'm lost somewhere in between. I've experienced a lot, but there's so much I have been spared, or have yet to come to blows with in my life.
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I can't do this. I get angry and sad and I want to scream. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you forget all of us? Did you forget? Were we too far away to remember? Did the span of an ocean or a sea make it seem as though we would be fine? Did you think the pain wouldn't reach this far? It reaches further and faster than any method of travel. And what about those not seperated by space and time? Those precious little lives you were supposed to keep safe from all the harsh realities you yourself have already been subjected to? How do you explain this to a 4 year old child? I don't even understand it, how will she? How will her sister, so young but so wise and very sensitive to the world, ever recover? She wept openly when her cousin, who she had only met 4 days before, left her again...but she can still talk to me, write to me, visit me if she so chooses. She will never see you again...does that mean anything to you?
I miss you, and I love you...but I hate you for what you left behind. What a fucking mess you left.
A lot has been going on that should inspire me to write. New life beginning around me, precious life being stolen away to early, being ended prematurely by decisions I will never understand. Tiny hands grasping my finger, eyes wildly taking in every moment. Hands slipping away as eyes that have seen more than anyone should see or experience in one lifetime closing for a final time. Closing in a world thousands of miles away, closing on a world I only glipsed once, but desired so greatly to return, and probably never will now. New life tastes, smells, feels new things--soft, tender, gentle things. Lost life has felt the harsh reality, no longer wrapped in the safety of loving family.
I'm lost somewhere in between. I've experienced a lot, but there's so much I have been spared, or have yet to come to blows with in my life.
----
I can't do this. I get angry and sad and I want to scream. What the fuck were you thinking? Did you forget all of us? Did you forget? Were we too far away to remember? Did the span of an ocean or a sea make it seem as though we would be fine? Did you think the pain wouldn't reach this far? It reaches further and faster than any method of travel. And what about those not seperated by space and time? Those precious little lives you were supposed to keep safe from all the harsh realities you yourself have already been subjected to? How do you explain this to a 4 year old child? I don't even understand it, how will she? How will her sister, so young but so wise and very sensitive to the world, ever recover? She wept openly when her cousin, who she had only met 4 days before, left her again...but she can still talk to me, write to me, visit me if she so chooses. She will never see you again...does that mean anything to you?
I miss you, and I love you...but I hate you for what you left behind. What a fucking mess you left.