Ramblings.
I remember the days when I used to be so stoked to come home and write in my xanga about all the exciting things going on in my life. I used to journal all the time, but I don't know what changed. I used to feel that life was so rough and nobody loved me, and oh heavens, somebody kicked my dog.. But now it's just like I don't really seem to have much to say.
I got an email from Sarah about updating this, and so I figured, "What the hell.. It's almost midnight, I'm pissed off at my boyfriend and I can't sleep anyway". So here I am. Writing.
My summer has flown by so fast.. It just seems like yesterday I was standing in the blazing sun on graduation day, begging for the damned ceremony to be over so I could go home and drink margueritas until I begged the tequila gods for mercy. Every day its the same thing. Wake up, do chores, wait for Josh to get off work, go out, eat his mother's wonderful cooking, go home, sleep, repeat.
I just know that there's only a month and a half left in San Jose, and I'm spending most of it in Morgan Hill. I haven't even said goodbye to my friends, not that I have much of them left considering I never talk to anyone except Courtney and Nathan.
Speaking of leaving, I'm so nervous now that it's getting closer. I mean, I'm excited about living in a dorm room, moving out at seventeen, and having all the freedom and responsibility that I have planned for myself from the beginning.. but now it just doesn't seem like the wonderful thing I had envisioned.
It doesn't help that Josh talks about moving out with me, or moving to Palm Springs when I know he won't. I know that he has it in his head that he's in love with me and he'd do anything for me, but I know Josh better than he knows himself. He doesn't and he won't because he has a safe, easy route to nothingness here in San Jose. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that he got the job at the plumbing place, because it does offer a great career path without needing college (since he refuses to go back and take the remedial courses he'd need to get back up to speed). Plus, the hard labor is good for him. We'll see if he sticks with it.
More than anything I wish that I knew if I had some form of reassurance that I'm not going to spend my life alone. The career, and the life, I have chosen for myself means moving every couple of years, maybe moving to different countries and living the life and seeing the sights.. but where does that leave room for love, and a family? I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down, but I know that eventually I will. I wouldn't ask a man to follow me around and uproot his life just to come with me. Sigh. That was an emo paragraph. Anyway!
My search for a job has been pathetically uneventful. No matter what I say I can't get employed.. Mostly because I'm leaving in August and they'd rather have someone that can stay on once others return back to school. But it's pointless. I guess I'll just have to get a job out in Prescott because there's nothing I can do now. I leave in 6 weeks.
And this whole time I've been writing this, I've been talking to Nathan, and now he just blew up at me. I guess he's right really. I did choose Josh over him, when I knew that Nathan would treat me better. It's just too bad I love the asshole instead of the sweetheart that would kiss the ground at my feet. I guess I like a challenge, eh? Oh well.
I think I've run out of things to say. I need to think.
I got an email from Sarah about updating this, and so I figured, "What the hell.. It's almost midnight, I'm pissed off at my boyfriend and I can't sleep anyway". So here I am. Writing.
My summer has flown by so fast.. It just seems like yesterday I was standing in the blazing sun on graduation day, begging for the damned ceremony to be over so I could go home and drink margueritas until I begged the tequila gods for mercy. Every day its the same thing. Wake up, do chores, wait for Josh to get off work, go out, eat his mother's wonderful cooking, go home, sleep, repeat.
I just know that there's only a month and a half left in San Jose, and I'm spending most of it in Morgan Hill. I haven't even said goodbye to my friends, not that I have much of them left considering I never talk to anyone except Courtney and Nathan.
Speaking of leaving, I'm so nervous now that it's getting closer. I mean, I'm excited about living in a dorm room, moving out at seventeen, and having all the freedom and responsibility that I have planned for myself from the beginning.. but now it just doesn't seem like the wonderful thing I had envisioned.
It doesn't help that Josh talks about moving out with me, or moving to Palm Springs when I know he won't. I know that he has it in his head that he's in love with me and he'd do anything for me, but I know Josh better than he knows himself. He doesn't and he won't because he has a safe, easy route to nothingness here in San Jose. Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that he got the job at the plumbing place, because it does offer a great career path without needing college (since he refuses to go back and take the remedial courses he'd need to get back up to speed). Plus, the hard labor is good for him. We'll see if he sticks with it.
More than anything I wish that I knew if I had some form of reassurance that I'm not going to spend my life alone. The career, and the life, I have chosen for myself means moving every couple of years, maybe moving to different countries and living the life and seeing the sights.. but where does that leave room for love, and a family? I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down, but I know that eventually I will. I wouldn't ask a man to follow me around and uproot his life just to come with me. Sigh. That was an emo paragraph. Anyway!
My search for a job has been pathetically uneventful. No matter what I say I can't get employed.. Mostly because I'm leaving in August and they'd rather have someone that can stay on once others return back to school. But it's pointless. I guess I'll just have to get a job out in Prescott because there's nothing I can do now. I leave in 6 weeks.
And this whole time I've been writing this, I've been talking to Nathan, and now he just blew up at me. I guess he's right really. I did choose Josh over him, when I knew that Nathan would treat me better. It's just too bad I love the asshole instead of the sweetheart that would kiss the ground at my feet. I guess I like a challenge, eh? Oh well.
I think I've run out of things to say. I need to think.