I'm Sorry
I remember making Chris stand in the corner longer than he should have as a toddler. I pushed his high chair too far back and it fell over while he was in it. I gave him and misty epicat because troy stole candy and we were trying to get him to confess. It was wrong. I remember trying to put them through like basic training they thought it was a joke. I remember knowing about troy getting hit by bill but don’t remember if I knew about it before hand like Chris said. I remember bill asking me to take the other kids away. I don’t remember hitting the kids with a belt but I am sorry for that, for they remember it. I remember grounding Chris and misty for being late from dates. I didn’t think that was bad at the time even if it was only a couple minutes late. I know I smacked hands and diapers when they were younger. I know leaving them with big troy was very wrong especially since I left them on misty’s birthday which I didn’t realize at the time. I thought we all had been through this in counseling, I remember crying and saying I was so sorry for what I had done and they said they forgave me and they loved me anyway. I sat there and listened to all the painful things they had to say and I felt ashamed and angry with myself as I do now. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be a mother. I went back to get my kids because I loved them and wanted to raise them and give them a chance in life. I never meant to hurt them. I can’t remember anything else I did so badly or wrong. I try so desperately to hold onto to the good memories and loving things I did. Maybe to forget the bad things I did because I know how painful of a childhood I had growing up abused. I just don’t know how to fix this if I can ever. I am told I can’t because I can’t change the past. But I honestly can’t bear hearing the pain in my children’s voices as they recount events I don’t remember or even events I do remember. It kills me inside and I can’t help but feel a total failure and that I am a monster inside to have been so bad to my children. I was neglectful too when troy and Chris were younger. I was so depressed I didn’t clean house and it was full of dirty diapers. The garbage was so bad there were maggots in it. The air force had to say something to my husband at the time. I remember yelling at my baby when the baby would cry I felt so alone and helpless and totally distraught about to lose my mind with the continuous crying and no relief in sight. I remember taking a belt and making the snapping sound that my foster mother use to do before she would hit me with it but I don’t remember hitting my kids. I remember thinking it was just for effect not to use. I remember crying in great frustration and anger but don’t remember hitting children when I got that way. I had no friends no family and living somewhere unknown to me with my husband gone most of the time working. I was so immature and so young to be trying to raise kids alone. What was I thinking for me to continue having kids???? I was just a kid and so confused and lost and needing help from my own past. I had no business having kids or any relationships at that time. I thought I loved my husband but I only got together with him out of fear and loneliness. I didn’t think I could take care of myself and a baby and he was going into the air force which meant security for me and my child with a name for my son and a father for him. At times I thought I was happy. But I was miserable and I took it out on my kids. I am so sorry for that. More than I can ever tell them. I left my kids and I shouldn’t have no matter the reason. I should have found a way to take care of them emotionally. I was bad, very bad. I guess I was even bad to krystalrose. I wasn’t eating right, wasn’t taking vitamins, stressed and constantly on the move. I was around David while he smoked. I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. What am I suppose to do about it now? I keep coming back here every time something is brought up. I have done a great sin against my children. Is my punishment to relive all the pain I have caused them over and over again? Am I to be reminded all the time of how I hurt them until the day I die so I can continually feel the pain, guilt and shame? If so then I wish to take the cowards way out and die now for the pain is too great for me to bear anymore I have been feeling it now from the beginning from the injustice of my first mistake of leaving my first born in the corner too long and he fell asleep in it.