I Hate The First Week of November.........
I always hate the first week of November. And have done so for the past 11 years. It was 11 years ago this week that my cousin Forgan passed away. So much time has passed yet even now that black hole left with his passing acts up every year at this time. I get into this depressed funk that don't go away. It's a lingering saddness. I don't want it to happen...it just does. Feels like he's right over my shoulder watching.
I love the SCA and through me I keep his love for the society alive. It isn't and never was about me. It never will be. Everything I do in the SCA is for him and his memory. Everything.
I haven't been to his grave since his funeral.....I don't know why. Not for lack of trying. I drive as far as the cemetary gates but can go no further. It's not about accepting his passing. I accepted that a long time ago. Maybe I will try again on Sunday.............Maybe........
Someone asked me recently why I avoid Darkyard.....I don't avoid them. In my heart, the real Darkyard died with Forgan. Yes, it's a house...but not Forgan's...I guess you have to be in my shoes to understand. I have nothing against anyone in that house. But it's their house now and have no right to just walk in the door and make myself comfortable..... I know there are some in that house who wish I would just disappear(for clarification sake I don't mean Una) and some who would like me to come around more..
Sitting last night unwinding from work I realized how much I miss hanging out with those I still call friends...and who were my friends. I miss Una, Kalara,Vlachus, Sigrid, Kadlin, Dove, Melisa, Dolce... Dolce was always a hoot to hang out with. I remember her laughing that one night after the Baronial meeting when I was stomping in the water puddles like a little kid.
Wish I had a magickal clock to reverse time a bit..... Oh well..........
I love the SCA and through me I keep his love for the society alive. It isn't and never was about me. It never will be. Everything I do in the SCA is for him and his memory. Everything.
I haven't been to his grave since his funeral.....I don't know why. Not for lack of trying. I drive as far as the cemetary gates but can go no further. It's not about accepting his passing. I accepted that a long time ago. Maybe I will try again on Sunday.............Maybe........
Someone asked me recently why I avoid Darkyard.....I don't avoid them. In my heart, the real Darkyard died with Forgan. Yes, it's a house...but not Forgan's...I guess you have to be in my shoes to understand. I have nothing against anyone in that house. But it's their house now and have no right to just walk in the door and make myself comfortable..... I know there are some in that house who wish I would just disappear(for clarification sake I don't mean Una) and some who would like me to come around more..
Sitting last night unwinding from work I realized how much I miss hanging out with those I still call friends...and who were my friends. I miss Una, Kalara,Vlachus, Sigrid, Kadlin, Dove, Melisa, Dolce... Dolce was always a hoot to hang out with. I remember her laughing that one night after the Baronial meeting when I was stomping in the water puddles like a little kid.
Wish I had a magickal clock to reverse time a bit..... Oh well..........