(no subject)
I'm in a weird place right now, I think. I can do anything and at the same time I can't. I want to enjoy today (and everyday) but today seems empty and meaningless. In response to that, I want to look to my future, but I feel that it's uncertain and will have the same feeling as now. For the last few months I've been trying to figure out what really matters to me, and besides people I've not found much. I guess at this time it all seems pointless in the grand scheme of things.
I'm probably just missing something that I had before...some type of feeling or drive...but am denying what makes me feel driven or whatever. Maybe I'm scared that things (in general) will change or that I'll fail whatever I do. Maybe it's that I'm finally grown up and see the vast world in front of me and it scares the crap out of me that I don't have a plan or known purpose past next may.
I should get close to God again, but I think I'll need to force myself at first...why do I let this keep happening? Where do I belong? Is it even being in/doing just one place/thing, or is it many places/things since I've never really wanted to settle anyway? What am I here for? I feel as of I'm doing no good and my isolation just makes me turn further inward. I don't want to focus on me. I want to focus on others and figure myself out on the way, but I still like the isolation because there's no risk.
This is just a stream of thought and emotion about how confused and lost I feel, which isn't even all that bad...just another form of waiting for something to happen, and who knows what that is? I sure don't. And so I continue alone trying to keep stable and to find something out of this. Whether it's for me or those around me, I don't know. Maybe it's a specific thing, or is all just nothing. Whatever, I'll distract myself and find stuff to do instead...that's what I usually do anyway.
I'm probably just missing something that I had before...some type of feeling or drive...but am denying what makes me feel driven or whatever. Maybe I'm scared that things (in general) will change or that I'll fail whatever I do. Maybe it's that I'm finally grown up and see the vast world in front of me and it scares the crap out of me that I don't have a plan or known purpose past next may.
I should get close to God again, but I think I'll need to force myself at first...why do I let this keep happening? Where do I belong? Is it even being in/doing just one place/thing, or is it many places/things since I've never really wanted to settle anyway? What am I here for? I feel as of I'm doing no good and my isolation just makes me turn further inward. I don't want to focus on me. I want to focus on others and figure myself out on the way, but I still like the isolation because there's no risk.
This is just a stream of thought and emotion about how confused and lost I feel, which isn't even all that bad...just another form of waiting for something to happen, and who knows what that is? I sure don't. And so I continue alone trying to keep stable and to find something out of this. Whether it's for me or those around me, I don't know. Maybe it's a specific thing, or is all just nothing. Whatever, I'll distract myself and find stuff to do instead...that's what I usually do anyway.