(no subject)
Sorry I haven't written in a while. Life's been perty hectic. i can't write at work, ppl are constantly coming up to me, especially my boss, even if it's my lunch break, so i have to leave the office to get some piece. and i can't write at home cuz I've been needing to keep Isabel (my daughter) up late so she can sleep late in the morning so my mom can get some extra sleep. longer nites for me which means no peace until 10:30 and then i'm exhausted by then.
so anyway,
life's been okay. home's alright. my sort of ex-husband has been on vacation in L.A. for the last couple weeks. i've been pretty okay without him. i guess it's because he really isn't a part of my life anymore, even when he is in town. we've been separated for 9 months now and i'm not sure how i feel about that. my life is so complex and confusing right now, i'm not sure where i want to be or with who or what's the best thing for me and for my daughter. so i guess i'm just waiting to see how things play out on their own. when i do have enough money paid off of my debt, i WILL be moving out on my own with Isabel to somewhere closer to work. i know that for sure. i dream about it every day. Just me and my daughter. it seems scary at times but liberating most of the time. a fresh start to see where life will take me next. until then, i think i'll just be standing still while i'm here, living at home, working this job, in debt as much as i am. it's sad to think most of this could be solved if i just won the lottery. ah well.
work's been a little weird. i guess the phase i'm going thru right now is disappointment. i'm disappointed that i've been there for over 5 years and i am still not respected and am still the bottom man on the totem pole. everyone else in my department is an architect or an architectural draftsman. the interior design field, my field, is not respected there at all. it is the opinion of most of the staff that there is no need for interior designers, architects can do their jobs and handle the architecture as well. too bad i don't like architecture enough to get a degree in architecture so i can get some respect.
i'm still doing the drawings for the boss, which means he is constantly on my back, every day i am there and even when i'm at home sometimes, all day long. it is soooo stressful. i hate it and i can't stand much more of it. it's also boring and frustrating as hell. he has me redraw things like 50 times a day. no wait, like that, no let's try it the other way, no stretch this line 5", no make it into a triangle, no somethings missing. he's driving me nutz! i want and i think i deserve to be doing my own stuff by now. i mean, in other offices, how long do you need to be the boss' lackey?
maybe it's time to move on but there is no other place on earth that i could have this kind of job. i get paid pretty well for only working 3 days a week (available 5 though for anyone to call and but me about a project and have me draw from home). i also get a good insurance and they pay for most of it. i also still get my vacation days, sick days and personal days. if i go elsewhere, i'd have to work full time which means paying for daycare and not spending much time with my daughter. considering she doesn't reallly have a father anymore, except for a couple hour visit every other day, i shouldn't take away her mother too.
so i'm stuck here. i'm getting paid okay and am able to put some money towards my debt. i'm not going anywhere careerwise or learning much more at this point but i guess that's for later.
jeez, i complain a lot on here. that's what i was afraid of when i started this thing. maybe this wasn't such a good idea....
maybe i should try to think more positively.....okay.
i wish i could win the lottery
i wish i could win the lottery
is that positive or hopeful?
hmmmmmm
positive things in my life:
+daughter is healthy
+daughter is taken care of and i can trust or caregiver when i'm at work (my mom)
+we both have health insurance
+i'm not paying for rent (except i'm paying 3X as much on groceries for the entire family, doing all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and washing the towels as well as all my own stuff, so isn't that kind of rent?)
+my car works
+i have a job that pays okay
+i get to work part-time and spend time with my daughter when everyone else is working
can't think of anymore right now.
Isabel is starting to get impatient and it's time for her to go to bed. finally.
nite.
so anyway,
life's been okay. home's alright. my sort of ex-husband has been on vacation in L.A. for the last couple weeks. i've been pretty okay without him. i guess it's because he really isn't a part of my life anymore, even when he is in town. we've been separated for 9 months now and i'm not sure how i feel about that. my life is so complex and confusing right now, i'm not sure where i want to be or with who or what's the best thing for me and for my daughter. so i guess i'm just waiting to see how things play out on their own. when i do have enough money paid off of my debt, i WILL be moving out on my own with Isabel to somewhere closer to work. i know that for sure. i dream about it every day. Just me and my daughter. it seems scary at times but liberating most of the time. a fresh start to see where life will take me next. until then, i think i'll just be standing still while i'm here, living at home, working this job, in debt as much as i am. it's sad to think most of this could be solved if i just won the lottery. ah well.
work's been a little weird. i guess the phase i'm going thru right now is disappointment. i'm disappointed that i've been there for over 5 years and i am still not respected and am still the bottom man on the totem pole. everyone else in my department is an architect or an architectural draftsman. the interior design field, my field, is not respected there at all. it is the opinion of most of the staff that there is no need for interior designers, architects can do their jobs and handle the architecture as well. too bad i don't like architecture enough to get a degree in architecture so i can get some respect.
i'm still doing the drawings for the boss, which means he is constantly on my back, every day i am there and even when i'm at home sometimes, all day long. it is soooo stressful. i hate it and i can't stand much more of it. it's also boring and frustrating as hell. he has me redraw things like 50 times a day. no wait, like that, no let's try it the other way, no stretch this line 5", no make it into a triangle, no somethings missing. he's driving me nutz! i want and i think i deserve to be doing my own stuff by now. i mean, in other offices, how long do you need to be the boss' lackey?
maybe it's time to move on but there is no other place on earth that i could have this kind of job. i get paid pretty well for only working 3 days a week (available 5 though for anyone to call and but me about a project and have me draw from home). i also get a good insurance and they pay for most of it. i also still get my vacation days, sick days and personal days. if i go elsewhere, i'd have to work full time which means paying for daycare and not spending much time with my daughter. considering she doesn't reallly have a father anymore, except for a couple hour visit every other day, i shouldn't take away her mother too.
so i'm stuck here. i'm getting paid okay and am able to put some money towards my debt. i'm not going anywhere careerwise or learning much more at this point but i guess that's for later.
jeez, i complain a lot on here. that's what i was afraid of when i started this thing. maybe this wasn't such a good idea....
maybe i should try to think more positively.....okay.
i wish i could win the lottery
i wish i could win the lottery
is that positive or hopeful?
hmmmmmm
positive things in my life:
+daughter is healthy
+daughter is taken care of and i can trust or caregiver when i'm at work (my mom)
+we both have health insurance
+i'm not paying for rent (except i'm paying 3X as much on groceries for the entire family, doing all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and washing the towels as well as all my own stuff, so isn't that kind of rent?)
+my car works
+i have a job that pays okay
+i get to work part-time and spend time with my daughter when everyone else is working
can't think of anymore right now.
Isabel is starting to get impatient and it's time for her to go to bed. finally.
nite.