Random rant...
So, if you don't want to read this, don't. I just need to get some stuff out.
So I feel like a horrible person yet I know I'm not. I have pretty much no friends because of my crazy schedule and the fact that I live in Buffalo. I have no one I am close with anymore and it fucking sucks. I have Greg, but who do I go to to talk about Greg? Hmmmm... NO ONE. It's so ridiculous and I realize a lot of it is my own fault and I'm sorry. But when I get up at 5:45, teach all day, go to class til 7 at night, sometimes all I want to do is just come home and sleep. I don't feel like going out every single weekend... I have papers to grade and my own papers to write as well. It's just stupid. And I do all this shit, yet I feel like I get nothing back for doing it all. There's no appreciation for what I do and how much time I sacrifice for other people. And it's not satisfying to me, so I'm thinking why even bother.
I can't wait until Emily moves out. Seriously she is the most childish, insecure person I have ever known and there can't be a much worse roommate than her. I am banished to my room whenever she and her boyfriend are here b/c they take up the whole living room and any other public area in this apartment. She put magnets over my face on the refridgerator. She moved my hamsters who have been in the same place for 7 months but all of a sudden apparently bother her. And she's so gross. She doesn't clean anything, and I"m not a clean person.. so for it to bother ME, that's pretty bad.
And Greg.. I really care about him.. so much. Like I really think I could be with him forever, we hardly ever fight, but I just have a problem with the fact that he doesn't compliment me or say anything nice to me. I know he doesn't realize he's not saying anything, and doesn't mean to do it, but it still hurts. It's so stupid that we all grew up in America where you think this guy is just supposed to meet you and fall in love with you forever. He's supposed to tell you how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to have you. And I know that's not reality. I know that. But it doesn't stop the thoughts from popping in my head all the time. He has told me I'm pretty probably 2 times since I've known him, which is August. It just hurts. It makes me feel like ok why should I try to look good then if it doesn't matter what I look like? Maybe I shouldn't wear makeup or even brush my hair. It's just like.. girls need to hear that stuff once and a while. I don't know... and I blew up on him today about it.. not yelling, but I was just hysterically crying about it for an hour. And I felt bad sort of attacking him with all of my emotions, but I needed to get it out.
And my upcoming job this summer... I'm only working 2.5 days a week. I need to find something else for Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It's frustrating because I know I don't make much teaching, so the summer is when I should be building up some money to live on. Blahhhh. I don't know what else to say. I'm just so over my life right now. I'm so unhappy in my apartment, I can't wait for the next 3 weeks to pass so she can get the fuck out of here. It's ridiculous, but honestly, as much as I'm all about confrontation, it's not worth the energy. I'm not wasting time or emotions on someone who is so infantile and will be gone in a short amount of time. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm the better person and it will be over soon.
I need friends. Blah. Fuck.