Valentine's Day
Okay, so I can't exactly be bitter about the day in the sense that I am actually in a meaningful relationship now. I'm the guy all the single guys hate because I'm bending over backwards to please my woman and I have a woman and so on and so forth. I'm also the guy the single girls hate because of the same thing for a different reason. They want a guy to do all kinds of romantical stuff for them. Of course, these single girls will only look at me and be jealous this one day of the year seeing me do these things. Because they don't actually want me, they just want the idea. Guys, if you want a girl to fall for you, this is the day to do it I'd hate to say. There are counter examples, but not many girls can turn down being romanced on Valentine's Day. Even if she doesn't act like it, I can almost guarentee that on the inside she is floating on pink fluffy clouds and shit. This is not a guy day. Guys are not all lovey dovey and do not need chocolates and flowers and shit. This is a girls day. So, do something for your girls. Not just your significant other. I drove all over town to make sure my mother got flowers for today. Friends, relatives, whatever. Guys, you may feel insecure and uneasy, but you can send a girl flowers from a 'secret admirer' and watch her melt into putty. Making a romantic gesture is something that works, it's all about timing and style. I'm not saying I'm a master at any of that, but it works. This day sucks for single people, I know, I was great at it. I still don't much like the holiday, as it doesn't really have meaning. Love is not something limited to one day. However, girls eat this day up when their man does something extraordinary for them.
I'd also like to tell girls to look closer at their life. Odds are that there is a guy trying to do his best to be all romantical for you. I've noticed girls be bitter over the holiday, yet have a guy they don't pay much mind to trying to do anything they can to make them feel better or do something for them.
I guess you're thinking, well he has somebody so he's a traitor! I still don't much like today very much. I'm just not bitter and depressed now because I have somebody. I still remember what it felt like to be depressed, lonely, and bitter today. Kerri still insists that I have a problem with depression and I'm the happiest I can remember being in a long time. Being alone is hard. Valentine's Day brings a lot of reminders to people that they are alone and it hurts. It can hurt a whole hell of a lot.
This is the first Valentine's Day I've ever had a girlfriend. Way back in middle school when the whole concept of 'dating' came along, I never had anybody for Valentine's Day. I never much cared about it. High School was winding down when I began to feel empty inside. I didn't date much and the girls I did date had either no personality or were insane or scarred emotionally or some shit. So my relationships never lasted very long. However, on my senior year I got various random rides from people toward graduation. I had to walk home one day and this girl Dawn offered me a ride. She was a friend of a girl I liked probably when I was a freshman. Anyway, she brung up prom and asked if I was going. I told her I wasn't going because I didn't have a date or much money. The real answer was that I didn't have the money and there were no girls I wanted to go with. Halfways through the conversation I realized that she wanted me to ask her. She was practically begging me to ask her. If I had the money, I might have considered it too. The thing is, that I really didn't want to take her. She wasn't ugly or anything. I didn't really know her and she seemed to be dry and, well, boring. Why do I bring this up? After I got home from this ride, I started realizing how alone I was and how it was my fault. My standards were and always have been waaaaaay higher than I ever deserved. I wanted a pretty girl who could match my personality. She had to be pretty, smart, funny, and the real kicker, she had to find ME attractive. When I realized this, I realized how fucked I was. How could somebody like that, want me? That's when the depression that had always ate away at me really set in.
Skip ahead to graduation practice. I had to walk home from that as well and I was majorly depressed. I got invited to no parties, or anything like that, for one. (Later I would make up for that ten fold at least) Once again, a random girl pulled over and offered me a ride. Her name was Holly. Now Holly was kinda cute, but mostly, I felt really sorry for her. Holly was a nice girl, really. She was one of the nicest girls I've ever met. However, Holly made the mistake of being reallllly easy. I would never call Holly a slut because that is a harsh word and Holly was way too nice a girl to say that about. She was just....easy. She wanted the attention I wanted, the difference being that she lumped love and sex as the same thing. While love and sex go together, they should never be considered the same thing. I loved Holly like a little sister and had gotten into three fights on her behalf. All of those fights were over guys that used her. What made the ride awkward was that Holly was not graduating. She was pregnant and it was obvious that the father wasn't going to be around. We talked a little on the ride and then came...well, what happened. Desperation, lonliness, saddness, all of it led to this. We pulled up in my driveway and she leaned against my shoulder. She began to slowly start crying and then started hugging me. I hugged her back, I really did love her in a protective type of way and it tore me up to think of how things were going to be for her. Then, she kissed me. She bore her heart out to me. She told me about how she always wanted to come to me, but she was afraid because she thought I thought she was a slut. She told me that loved me and wanted to be with me. Then she just went into a crying fit about how she didn't want to be alone. I almost cried myself, for a few reasons. The first reason being that I did love this girl in a way and crying girls have always been my weakness. The second reason being that I could not return these feelings. The third reason being that I desperatly wanted to be able to return the feelings. I wanted to comfort her and tell her that I loved her too. Had I started crying, I might have done those things even though I really wouldn't have meant them. However, I simply told her that I was sorry and got out of the car. I have never seen or heard from Holly after that day.
Anybody who actually reads this has probably stopped a long time ago, but I feel like continuing, so meh.
That's something I would beat myself up over a bunch. I still to this day feel bad about it when I think back to it or look at my yearbook. The worst thing was that I could completely sympathize with her. I went off to college and did not think much on it at first. My first year of college was mostly parties and more parties. I lost myself in the fun of being drunk and high. Through that, especially when I was high and everybody left or the night was over, I'd still think on it. Being alone when you're high leads you to think a lot about things. I had a brief relationship with a girl and then joined Revo. It wasn't a relationship really. It was more, she met me at a party and came over a lot to use my computer. *shrugs* Still, that in itself kept making me more and more depressed. I started talking to people that I met online. I had talked to people before, but I became friends with a bunch of people from Revo. I had very few friends in Florida, just a lot of people I got drunk and high with. Lonliness increased. Depression became greater.
This all led into when I moved to Arizona. My move to that state was a collosal failure. I failed at life the entire time I was there. Life crushed me under its boot. I went through a lot there. It was where I first tried out an online girlfriend. Now when I say that, I don't mean girlfriend, because the two people I was involved with during this time were both not so. The first was actually a guy who at first wanted to get back at me, then came to realize that once he got to know me, that I was a 'good guy.' He might have been a closet homosexual, but reguardless, he really broke my trust a lot. The second was a girl who felt guilt over being involved in the first incident in a small way, then we ended up becoming friends. This led to feeling things about me, then she essentially cheated on her boyfriend with me. I use that term loosely because honestly, how much can you cheat with somebody online? That ened badly, of course.
Soon it became clear to me that I would have to move home and it was in this time that Kerri (Giada), a long time friend from Revo told me that she had feelings for me. I could go on about all the mushy stuff about how the emptiness has been filled and blah blah, but I'll spare you who have read this far.
Now I have recovered a lot from my near suicidal depression. I am recovering goals and reasons to live. I have lost a number a online friends though. My biggest regrets being Rachel, Kay, and probably Dee. Dee was a nice girl, just really more weird than I gave her credit for. Kay is great, I'm just too annoying for her. Rachel just plain got fed up with me in every respect I suppose. I miss writing a lot, especially with Dee and Rachel because they both were excellent writers and fun to write with in their own ways.
So what is the moral of this really long rant? I don't know. Maybe I care too hard? I'm not all selfless, but I have never wished to be perfect for myself. At least, not on the outside. I've always wanted to help friends and when it comes to girls it always goes back to Holly crying in the car, or my sister crying when this kid hit her. I go nuts.
Valentine's Day, right. What does it mean to me? A lot of throwing up from depression mostly. This year it means something much different, because it is also the exact date of me and Kerri's seven month aniversary. We're not the type of couple that goes nuts over that kind of thing, we just noticed that it fell in place and such.
Have a good Singles Awareness Day, hopefully if you are single, it will not be long. You know, unless you don't want a significant other...some people are like that. But seriously, be happy. Coming out of a huge depression myself, I can tell you that it is sooooooooooooo much easier being happy. Maybe I'm not the Angst Master anymore? o_O;
I'd also like to tell girls to look closer at their life. Odds are that there is a guy trying to do his best to be all romantical for you. I've noticed girls be bitter over the holiday, yet have a guy they don't pay much mind to trying to do anything they can to make them feel better or do something for them.
I guess you're thinking, well he has somebody so he's a traitor! I still don't much like today very much. I'm just not bitter and depressed now because I have somebody. I still remember what it felt like to be depressed, lonely, and bitter today. Kerri still insists that I have a problem with depression and I'm the happiest I can remember being in a long time. Being alone is hard. Valentine's Day brings a lot of reminders to people that they are alone and it hurts. It can hurt a whole hell of a lot.
This is the first Valentine's Day I've ever had a girlfriend. Way back in middle school when the whole concept of 'dating' came along, I never had anybody for Valentine's Day. I never much cared about it. High School was winding down when I began to feel empty inside. I didn't date much and the girls I did date had either no personality or were insane or scarred emotionally or some shit. So my relationships never lasted very long. However, on my senior year I got various random rides from people toward graduation. I had to walk home one day and this girl Dawn offered me a ride. She was a friend of a girl I liked probably when I was a freshman. Anyway, she brung up prom and asked if I was going. I told her I wasn't going because I didn't have a date or much money. The real answer was that I didn't have the money and there were no girls I wanted to go with. Halfways through the conversation I realized that she wanted me to ask her. She was practically begging me to ask her. If I had the money, I might have considered it too. The thing is, that I really didn't want to take her. She wasn't ugly or anything. I didn't really know her and she seemed to be dry and, well, boring. Why do I bring this up? After I got home from this ride, I started realizing how alone I was and how it was my fault. My standards were and always have been waaaaaay higher than I ever deserved. I wanted a pretty girl who could match my personality. She had to be pretty, smart, funny, and the real kicker, she had to find ME attractive. When I realized this, I realized how fucked I was. How could somebody like that, want me? That's when the depression that had always ate away at me really set in.
Skip ahead to graduation practice. I had to walk home from that as well and I was majorly depressed. I got invited to no parties, or anything like that, for one. (Later I would make up for that ten fold at least) Once again, a random girl pulled over and offered me a ride. Her name was Holly. Now Holly was kinda cute, but mostly, I felt really sorry for her. Holly was a nice girl, really. She was one of the nicest girls I've ever met. However, Holly made the mistake of being reallllly easy. I would never call Holly a slut because that is a harsh word and Holly was way too nice a girl to say that about. She was just....easy. She wanted the attention I wanted, the difference being that she lumped love and sex as the same thing. While love and sex go together, they should never be considered the same thing. I loved Holly like a little sister and had gotten into three fights on her behalf. All of those fights were over guys that used her. What made the ride awkward was that Holly was not graduating. She was pregnant and it was obvious that the father wasn't going to be around. We talked a little on the ride and then came...well, what happened. Desperation, lonliness, saddness, all of it led to this. We pulled up in my driveway and she leaned against my shoulder. She began to slowly start crying and then started hugging me. I hugged her back, I really did love her in a protective type of way and it tore me up to think of how things were going to be for her. Then, she kissed me. She bore her heart out to me. She told me about how she always wanted to come to me, but she was afraid because she thought I thought she was a slut. She told me that loved me and wanted to be with me. Then she just went into a crying fit about how she didn't want to be alone. I almost cried myself, for a few reasons. The first reason being that I did love this girl in a way and crying girls have always been my weakness. The second reason being that I could not return these feelings. The third reason being that I desperatly wanted to be able to return the feelings. I wanted to comfort her and tell her that I loved her too. Had I started crying, I might have done those things even though I really wouldn't have meant them. However, I simply told her that I was sorry and got out of the car. I have never seen or heard from Holly after that day.
Anybody who actually reads this has probably stopped a long time ago, but I feel like continuing, so meh.
That's something I would beat myself up over a bunch. I still to this day feel bad about it when I think back to it or look at my yearbook. The worst thing was that I could completely sympathize with her. I went off to college and did not think much on it at first. My first year of college was mostly parties and more parties. I lost myself in the fun of being drunk and high. Through that, especially when I was high and everybody left or the night was over, I'd still think on it. Being alone when you're high leads you to think a lot about things. I had a brief relationship with a girl and then joined Revo. It wasn't a relationship really. It was more, she met me at a party and came over a lot to use my computer. *shrugs* Still, that in itself kept making me more and more depressed. I started talking to people that I met online. I had talked to people before, but I became friends with a bunch of people from Revo. I had very few friends in Florida, just a lot of people I got drunk and high with. Lonliness increased. Depression became greater.
This all led into when I moved to Arizona. My move to that state was a collosal failure. I failed at life the entire time I was there. Life crushed me under its boot. I went through a lot there. It was where I first tried out an online girlfriend. Now when I say that, I don't mean girlfriend, because the two people I was involved with during this time were both not so. The first was actually a guy who at first wanted to get back at me, then came to realize that once he got to know me, that I was a 'good guy.' He might have been a closet homosexual, but reguardless, he really broke my trust a lot. The second was a girl who felt guilt over being involved in the first incident in a small way, then we ended up becoming friends. This led to feeling things about me, then she essentially cheated on her boyfriend with me. I use that term loosely because honestly, how much can you cheat with somebody online? That ened badly, of course.
Soon it became clear to me that I would have to move home and it was in this time that Kerri (Giada), a long time friend from Revo told me that she had feelings for me. I could go on about all the mushy stuff about how the emptiness has been filled and blah blah, but I'll spare you who have read this far.
Now I have recovered a lot from my near suicidal depression. I am recovering goals and reasons to live. I have lost a number a online friends though. My biggest regrets being Rachel, Kay, and probably Dee. Dee was a nice girl, just really more weird than I gave her credit for. Kay is great, I'm just too annoying for her. Rachel just plain got fed up with me in every respect I suppose. I miss writing a lot, especially with Dee and Rachel because they both were excellent writers and fun to write with in their own ways.
So what is the moral of this really long rant? I don't know. Maybe I care too hard? I'm not all selfless, but I have never wished to be perfect for myself. At least, not on the outside. I've always wanted to help friends and when it comes to girls it always goes back to Holly crying in the car, or my sister crying when this kid hit her. I go nuts.
Valentine's Day, right. What does it mean to me? A lot of throwing up from depression mostly. This year it means something much different, because it is also the exact date of me and Kerri's seven month aniversary. We're not the type of couple that goes nuts over that kind of thing, we just noticed that it fell in place and such.
Have a good Singles Awareness Day, hopefully if you are single, it will not be long. You know, unless you don't want a significant other...some people are like that. But seriously, be happy. Coming out of a huge depression myself, I can tell you that it is sooooooooooooo much easier being happy. Maybe I'm not the Angst Master anymore? o_O;