Tucson Too Soon
Dear Journal,
I’m gonna keep this brief as possible cuz I do need to be in bed.
Been in Tucson for over a week and definitely feeling out of alignment and unmoored. The fact that I took this bold step to come out here all by myself with no friends and never been the best about making tons of new friends and having tons of meaningful relationships…..This was a big risk and for less pay, apparently slightly longer working hours that I realized, but I am able to live on my own.
Of course just as I do this is when people are more comfortable coming up out of masks (nevermind the whole vaccination rates thing is enough to make my blood boil so we’ll skip that for now).
So in this 3 things I’m grateful for:
1. I still have a space to sleep at night until my apartment is ready.
2. Last night I interacted with some folks, not sure if this will go anywhere. They seem like a pretty solid tight-knit group so we’ll see.
3. That I have not died in this heat yet.
I can tell I’m gonna have to work on the gratitude more consistently. And exercise. I absolutely hate it, but I feel a bit better everytime afterwards. But yes, feeling out of alignment. I feel very very very lonely and it’s hard looking at social media seeing folks hanging out with each other more often. Then again, I never felt super-connected to the black queers in D.C. much as I wanted to. Now I’m here in semi-rural Tucson and wondering how the fuck will I get any kind of community here.
All the black folks I have met (Save 1) have all been like “Get out” …yet I just got here. So, I;ve decided to give this endeavor 2 years to work. After that, we’ll see. However, in the midst of that part of me wonders about career change. I like being a therapist but……I also gotta figure out how to make more money so that I can do the things I want to do. To travel more. I feel like my income salary keeps going up and down and frankly, I want to be making 6 figures at this point….and I don’t know if I really really want to get a doctorate. It’d be a means to an end, but to what end? Workshops? Seminars? Books? Teaching? Lecturing? A lot of that does not sound as appealing to me as it does to a number of my friends and colleagues.
And I’m very single still so I have no additional partner’s income to help support….so it’s all just me.Luwanna has found her niche with her business and government contracts and other folks I know seem to have a closer understanding of their purpose or are dealing with things where that’s not really a priority right now.
So I recognize the anxiety is here, and I knew this discomfort would come, but I forgot what this discomfort was like cuz I hadn’t been bothered by it in awhile and now that I’m in Tucson alone I am definitely having to sit with myself. So how to walk away from these two years with my best self. I am certainly not the most ambitious and wishing I was, particularly lowkey wanting to be a Type A person in this moment. Then again, I desperately want to feel creative and there’s that capitalistic pressure to monetize everything you do and enjoy…..God I hate what money has done to us as a society.
It’s hard and I’m hesitant to fully admit how hard it is sitting in your thoughts, by yourself, as a queer black man in a blue bubble in a very red state. Everyone has faith in my and high hopes and there is a part of me that wants to go back home.
But that would be for comfort…..and comfort is the enemy here. At least that type of comfort. Maybe I’ll feel differently once I’m moved out of this hotel (With no kitchen) into my apartment.
Maybe I’ll try documenting this process to help get me through. But I think for now I may read the cards for grounding.