A Night with the Cards (The { } And Interlude 2)
Dear Whoever,
Question: What do I do? How do I get out of this mess at work? How do I get to a better situation?
Card: Am I asking the Right Questions?:
Answer: That’s…..a good question? Am I asking the right questions? I think I am, but I wonder if there is more to it? Maybe the question isn’t how am I going to get out of this to something better or even when, per se. But, maybe the patience to sit with it, focus, and put energy into getting out? Maybe it’s the question of taking risks and chances. Maybe I should take some other risks while navigating this. I can’t wait forever to find a “Stable job” before moving out. Maybe I need to think on that a bit more. Maybe I need try and tap my creativity and sit with my soul a bit and my intuition to think about it.
Card 2: What is the Best Question to Ask That Will Serve Me The Most?
Answer?: Is this in alignment with me? Does it feel purposeful and fulfilling? Does it meet my financial needs. The Answer for this current job at GW at this time is “No” The current climate is not in alignment with me and it doesn’t feel good, rejuvenating, or supportive. I don’t feel like a lot of my work is purposeful right now, save for a few clients, and the job is definitely not meeting my financial needs.
Card 3: What do I really want to say, but am hesitant to. Why am I hesitant?
Answer: That I fucked up again. That I didn’t make the best choice for me. That it is always going to be this way and that maybe I should consider changing my field, though nothing else quite grabs me like doing this work. I’m upset and want to shout out the injustice in our department that led to Shatiea leaving and the blatant white woman manipulation of emotions and control that is currently trying to exert it’s need to control over the rest of the staff and me. I’m hesitant to say that maybe I really do need to do a drastic shift. Just jump out here, half broke with no job and make it work until I get another job. I’m hesitant because I wonder if this does need to happen for personal growth. Why am I hesitant as a whole? Fear. I’m scared I’ll be trapped, and maybe that’s what I’m scared to say - that I’ll be trapped in this frustrating existence at 37 and I’ll be kicking myself until whenever because I could never get out of my house. Maybe I should apply for a government position to secure that. I have to meditate more on the hesitancy as well.
Card 4: What is the Price for Waiting Longer Before Making a Decision?
Answer: That I’ll lose motivation, that I will stay in comfortable complacency when everything from 2018 through 2020 tells me I need change even as I hate the process of change. The price is paid in further fear and complacency and I’ll be 40 still living at home and it bothers me that I have been living home for almost 10 years at this point. It will be 10 years in July. I was originally supposed to be home for only 1 or 2 years, but brokenness and such prevented that. I’m scared the price is that if I wait too long I won’t ever make a move. Even more to think about.