Spring Training: Believin' in Myself Almost as Much as I Doubt
Warning: Today's Spring Training post contains Writer Whininess. But it gets better!
This morning I got up like a good boy, looked at what I'd written this week (about 1500 words) and suddenly has this looming fear that it was all shit. Total, unusable shit. Instead of forcing myself to write more, I stared at the computer screen, sipped my coffee. Dudes, it was totally depressing. To keep the sports metaphor going, it was like when you wake up to go to your second practice, and you can't do anything because all your muscles feel like they've exploded, and it hurts to move at all.
So I decided, to hell with it. I took my coffee to the couch and decided I'd just sit for a while and reflect on my story, try to figure out what was wrong with it, and what was wrong with me.
Should I put this story aside for now? Maybe in trying to write this awesome SF/F epic I wanted to write, I bit off more than I could chew? Maybe I should work on another story next week? Something smaller in scope that felt manageable? Something 100% different? (This is not a bad idea, in general.)
After a while, I went back to the computer, stared at it some more. Yup. Still didn't like it. Still felt like shit.
I think I maybe wrote ten words and deleted twenty. Then it was time to get the family ready for school/work.
Things started to change on my commute. I'd downloaded GRRM's Game of Thrones to listen to on my iPod on my commute. Yesterday, it crashed my iPod, so I emailed Audible, and they suggested I re-download it in different formats. I did. Both of which crashed my iPod again this morning. ARGH!!! Winter has come to my iPod and freaking crashed it! I'd listened to the first damn 10 minutes of that book like four times now, and I wanted to hear more of it! So I tried listening to something else, but just couldn't get into the story (probably my fault, no the story's). So I put on some music.
Somewhere in between trying the other book and putting on the music, things started aligning themself in my head. Sure, I told myself, you can write another story. Nothing wrong with that. But you can also write this one. Really! You can! Here's how you need to tweak it. Here's what you need to do differently. My playlist was my brain's soundtrack, and somehow - almost miraculously, I was able to figure some things out about my story I hadn't realized before.
So during coffee break and lunch break, I managed to write another 700 words. Not easy. All the muscles are still aching and sore and are screaming at me to lay off, but oh no. They're my muscles, and I'm going to make them work for me, dammit.
I don't want to say the writing finally happened because I stopped thinking about it. Though it might be fair to say I didn't feel quite as pressured? Maybe it's some different kind of writing muscles finally flexing again? I am pretty sure if I'd listened to A Game of Thrones this morning, then it wouldn't have worked out for me. So once again, frustration leads to inspiration?
Anyway. Goalwise I have not done as well as I wanted to. Didn't hit my floating goal of finishing the story. Didn't quite hit 500 words per weekday. But close on that last one! Pretty sure I'll hit it, at least, next week. And I'm pretty optimistic. I did a lot better by the end of the week than I thought I would yesterday, or even this morning.
So onward I go!
How are you doing?