(no subject)

[krychan]

 There are a lot of things in life that you end up learning or realizing to late: like how you fumbled and lost a boy who who was nothing but kind and good to you, how you chose the wrong school, how you dislike what you became, how who you are now is not who you meant for yourself to be. A lot of these things will end up as regrets. regrets that you made certain decisions, regrets of how you didn't stop to think twice, regrets of how you didn't realize sooner, regrets of blindly fooling yourself and self sabotaging yourself... I acknowledge that all of these regrets are very real and I may carry them the rest of my life. But you learn and you grow and sometimes you mess up and miss out. The least productive thing in the world is to obsess over it and sit in mourning, though it might be the easiest thing to do. Shit happens. and sometimes, you need to realize you've completely lost yourself, hate yourself, and lost control in order to man up and get it together - for you and for those who care for you. and at the least, my feelings are honest now.

i'm devastated, but let's look at it this way:

i have a very close, understanding, and all around amazing friend. 
i have learned how to work hard and do what you must for what you want. 
i know what i want in my friends, and i know what social relationships i want to invest in. 
i am no longer confused about who i want to be 
i have some new principles to stand by and firmly believe in 
i know how i got here and know i need to get out
little by little, i'm opening my eyes to what i've let simply unravel around me without thinking twice

realizing all of this may not ultimately help me fix anything at all, but at least i'm not blind. 
knowing all of this, i may still not feel capable or willing to make any changes, but i know i have to

and even though i know there will be scars, i know a wound is meant to heal.