God Thoughts part 2
Wasn't it just a week ago that I wrote that last entry in the midst of brokenness and confusion, seeking God in the midst of all the pains and sufferings of my life, crying out with these questions....
"God why are you hurting me so much?? Do you love me at all? Why have you taken everything I could ever want and made it impossible to acquire? ( Read more... )
But I gotta say, if there's no God, if faith in myself is the highest point to which I may aspire, if this world is the only place that I can call home, if I believe in your words, lily, then I'm outta here. I mean I would have committed suicide long ago. I agree with Plath, I agree with what is written in Ecclesiastes whether God or Solomon or a beggar was its author. People are corrupt --including myself. I dare say, the very concepts of faith, hope, and love are absolutely lost without God. In what may we hope? What makes love any better than hate? What good is a faith which is guaranteed to fail?
We have this animal instinct to live, but without it, what would the suicide rate be among humans? And with this instinct, how many of us owe our lives to anything more than being an animal? Look at the cattle, and the sheep, they can be found alive --and yet I see neither faith, nor hope, nor love in their lives. Why do those three words mean so much to us? Why do you look for faith at all? A faith in yourself, is the most fragile thing a body may have in this world. Try and start an AA meeting with step one as: have faith in yourself. If I am the only hope, then there is no hope. If love is ephemeral, then there is no love. Animals are not concerned with spiritual things, why are we? Why do we think we are spirits and souls? And if we are spirits and souls, for whom faith, hope, and love are actually important, then what? Where do you go to look for them? There are other words too: peace --with others, peace with myself. Where do I go to find that?
And I don't feel like my expectations are too high, I feel like I am just trying to find a reason to live. I am thirsty for something better than what I am, and without it, I feel like I am already dead. I'm not the only one asking these questions. I mean I didn't get these from school or on a web-site. This is just who we are. And if my hope in God is false, it is just as false as a hope in anything else, so it doesn't matter. If hope in God is false, then truth is despair. Kristine said that if God doesn't exist, she can deal with it. Uhm... I don't think I can (deal with it). It's God or nothing.
Peter said, "Lord to whom shall we go?" -John 6:68. I've certainly looked around, and I can't find anyplace better.
--apologies again, I have been a suicidal person all my life, feeling like a fish out of water in this world. I have stuck around in case God has something for me to do while I'm here. With a nod to Kristine, I have felt, between God or nothing, that I am often far from God, perhaps closer to nothing. And I am never more alone, and hopeless than I am in those moments --how I share your sadness, dear Kristine.
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