ACK!
okay, so of course i have to be the asshole right? everything is my fault right?
See i kinda feel that way but this whole situation has instilled two sides to me, there is that side of me that will just flip the fuck out and tell you just what i think of this, that, and the other thing too! but then there is the side of me that is more cool calm and collected that just tries to figure it all out, i have to say that is also true of alot of how i act. I have the good non-violent safety first gentlemen that i try to be, then little things set off a more enraged deep hateful side of myself, almost cold to the world.
The cold side of me says "FUCK THAT SHIT DONT LET HER GET AWAY WITH THIS SHIT LAY INTO HER AT LEAST MAKE HER FEEL BAD FOR HOW SHE DID YOU! SHES THE ONE WHO CANT HANDLE THIS RELATIONSIP"
The good me says "Okay, step back, think about this, everything was meant to be the way it is, you've learned a lesson"
Now this is where i am divided and both parts kinda set into motion, I am still pretty let down that this all happened the way it did, i kinda think i know why she has this relationship issue.. that paper on her wall.. i saw how she did that john guy, he didnt seem so bad except when he laid his hands on her.. i dunno i have tried to be patient and i think maybe she thinks that i am goign to do the same thing, wrongfully lay my hands on a woman... in my worst nightmares maybe, okay so there was one incident, involving robs girlfriend and me choking her, but i was blackout drunk which is another thing i am going to quick drinking, at least in moderatino for the most part, i now know my limit and enforce it because i have been an jackass puking my guys out after 16-20 beers in a short while.... Anyways i am giving up on jackie. I love her but its too early for me to have to deal with petty stuff like this, i cant deal with it i'm 20 now which may not be nothing to most of you, but it was only yesterday that i was fucking 14.. 6 years flew right by me. I dunno i'm getting my life in order now, and it sucks to say but if this is how she is then she really cant have a place in my life, no matter how much i love her. Like i said i would love to work through all of this with her, and i really do think i know what is wrong.. i'd be fucked up too, i wanted to ask questions about that "Paper" but i didnt wanna bring back any horrible memories. Just like how i never mentioned John after she said she didnt wanna talk about it. i just kinda let her past lay and let her work into a future with me, but the future isnt so bright i guess.