feels like I'm going to break
Well it's definitely been a long time since I updated this on line journal thing. I have been extremely busy lately. I love my job as a case manager. It's everything that I wanted to do with my life. It's been a horrible weekend for me. I went to my apointment on Friday morning. I got there at about 9:45 a.m. to see my consumer. Well. I waited for ten minutes and then I called her over and over again. I heard her cell phone ringing from inside the house and I thought she just forgot and was sleeping. So. I left you're not allowed to wait more than ten minutes. So. I made arrangements to go to another appointment to make up for that just got a no show on. Well. I texted this consumer's peer support specilist and she told me that she texted her the night before saying come and get my cat and pet rats if you want them and I need to cancel my appointment tomorrow. Well. She told me this I got a sickening feeling in my gut so I turned around my car and went back to her house. I knocked and yelled on the door no anwer. I finally called mobile crisis worker and she came by and the neighbor who had a key finally arrived and let me and crisis worker in the house. The neighbor went in first because I didnt want to be the first in the house. We were yelling for her really loud. We finally saw her in her bedroom just laying there sleeping. It looked like she was sleeping. She was all covered up with her blankets. not moving. not moving at all. I asked the crisis worker shouldnt the blankets be moving or something from her breathing...she said yes. they should be that is when the neighbor called the police to get out here right away. I was freaking out. This is the first itme that this ever happened. It doesnt happen alot with case managers that very many of them sees what I saw on Friday morning. OH my god. I was so in shocked. I texted Jeff and right away I said it's not good. We got in to her house and she's dead. she's dead. He felt horrible like he seriously cause he wanted to be there for me. I'm like I wish you were with me. He said I know sweetie I wish I was there too. So anyways. the cops arrived and everything I was losing my mind. I was so scared. I have never seen a dead body like that before. It's like why did she just give up on me. I was going to help her. She didnt give me a chance to. If she would of went to the support group I found for her she would of been fine. Why did she have to do that? WHY? damn it I don't understand. ugh. I feel like I failed her so much. Its' not fair. I called my supervisor and let him know what was going on he right away asked how I was handleing and I said I'm doing the best I can but I'm about to lose it. My head supervisor came out and to be with me which I was so happy to see her. I just was losing my mind at this point. I Cried and cried and cried. I don't really understand why this had to happen. I just hope she's in peace with the man that she loves now. I just wish that she gave me a chance. to help her. I hate this so much. I hate that I care so much. It's not fucking fair. SO now I'm low on sleep cause I keep having nightmares...the ones that I'm back in her house and I found her by myself and i try my best to save her...and she's dead it's too late. my latest one is I go into her house and she's sitting on her couch with a gun and I tell her not to do it and she's like I'm sorry. and she shoots herself....I wake up screaming......the one person that I need right now more than anything is JEFFERY!! (: He was the one who really helped me on Friday night. when i called him after I got out of work. Work is going to be extremely hard for me tomorrow. I have to make calls to her therapist and her doctor to let them know what happened to her. I'm going to try realy hard and be the strong girl that I know I am. I just hope that I dont lose it when I make any phone calls about her. I just wish that she had given me a chance to help her.
But anyways...on Friday night I went into Dr G's house to talk to him and and also to Josh. He was so helpful that night. I Cried the whole night he was right there for me. He tried to hold me by calming me down. It may of worked. I also got something shocking out of him last night as well. He told me that he will always love me...he was in love me..and he will always be in love with me...but he doesnt want a serious relationship but he did say that I was hot and beautiful. I didnt know what to say because I was so upset and I really like Jeff so I didnt know what to say. He gave me kisses and held me the whole night to try and make me feel safe. I felt safe for that night until I had to come home that next morning and try to sleep in my bed by myself...it wasnt working out....I was talking to Jeff and I said I really wish he was here right now to hold me and make me feel safe<3 I don't feel safe at all even in my bed. I don't know if it's just what I been through or what....but I dont feel safe when I'm bymyself.I don't know how I'm going to to do work tomororw..I'm going to be the busiest I can be for tomorrow.
OKay. onto other things. The first weekend in March I was going to go to Sara's down at Slippery Rock University for the weekend. mainly to see Jeffery<3 that is all(: I really like him. I hope that he really likes me but I got a feeling he does!! (:OKay I'll write more later peace out and I'll try to update this thing more often.