an un-ordinary day
For the past month June 15 has sounded like a special day, a non-ordinary day, a day for distinction. When I woke up this morning I thought it was just because it was payday.
I was wrong.
When I got off of work this evening I called home and my dad told me my grandmother died.
I am still in shock.
Well, maybe not so much. I'm sad because I feel like a piece of history just passed away. I didn't know my grandmother that well. She lived in Ohio and my fam in North Carolina, for most of my life anyway. I feel like I didn't know her at all. When I think of my dad's side of the family there is a gray blurriness where history should be. I don't know where my grandmother was born, or what the Depression was like for her. I barely know how many siblings she had. And the sad part is I don't know if that vague blurriness will ever become more distinct.
Grandma had dementia for the past few years. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago. I think that was also the last time I spoke to her. I just feel sad because there was this human being, this lady who was attached to me, who was my bloodline that I didn't know. Who I won't really ever get to know. I mean, I know I look like her, I know I have her body type. I know some things about her but not the lady. And now she is no longer with us. And I feel like my attachment to my dad's side of the family has been severed. The only reason we visited was to see her. I'm not so close to the rest of my family and I doubt we'll see them much now. My dad is sort of the black sheep: "What's Eddie doing? Yoga? Meditation? Why? That's so weird!"
Lately I feel so rootless. After my sister's high school graduation I know I don't belong to that high school anymore, I don't belong to my college anymore. NC is not really my home. My parents are probably going to move soon. I'm going to move soon. I feel like I don't have any roots. Having my grandmother die, weakening the M--- side connection doesn't help matters.
I feel so weird because it almost seems improper for my life to go on when my grandmother's has stopped. Like laughing and having fun is disrespectful to her and her life. I know it's not but I still feel weird about it.
And her death got me thinking about my life and what I want to accomplish. I want my life to have meaning more than just "I got married and had kids," which I will never do, btw. I want to do something and be remembered for something.
Dear Grandma,
I pay my respects to you. May you find peace at least and may your next life be better than this one. Cheers. I will miss you. All my love.
I was wrong.
When I got off of work this evening I called home and my dad told me my grandmother died.
I am still in shock.
Well, maybe not so much. I'm sad because I feel like a piece of history just passed away. I didn't know my grandmother that well. She lived in Ohio and my fam in North Carolina, for most of my life anyway. I feel like I didn't know her at all. When I think of my dad's side of the family there is a gray blurriness where history should be. I don't know where my grandmother was born, or what the Depression was like for her. I barely know how many siblings she had. And the sad part is I don't know if that vague blurriness will ever become more distinct.
Grandma had dementia for the past few years. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago. I think that was also the last time I spoke to her. I just feel sad because there was this human being, this lady who was attached to me, who was my bloodline that I didn't know. Who I won't really ever get to know. I mean, I know I look like her, I know I have her body type. I know some things about her but not the lady. And now she is no longer with us. And I feel like my attachment to my dad's side of the family has been severed. The only reason we visited was to see her. I'm not so close to the rest of my family and I doubt we'll see them much now. My dad is sort of the black sheep: "What's Eddie doing? Yoga? Meditation? Why? That's so weird!"
Lately I feel so rootless. After my sister's high school graduation I know I don't belong to that high school anymore, I don't belong to my college anymore. NC is not really my home. My parents are probably going to move soon. I'm going to move soon. I feel like I don't have any roots. Having my grandmother die, weakening the M--- side connection doesn't help matters.
I feel so weird because it almost seems improper for my life to go on when my grandmother's has stopped. Like laughing and having fun is disrespectful to her and her life. I know it's not but I still feel weird about it.
And her death got me thinking about my life and what I want to accomplish. I want my life to have meaning more than just "I got married and had kids," which I will never do, btw. I want to do something and be remembered for something.
Dear Grandma,
I pay my respects to you. May you find peace at least and may your next life be better than this one. Cheers. I will miss you. All my love.