Rebirth
About five years ago I spoke to an astrologer and she said by January 2013 I'd be totally reborn. I had no idea what she meant because at the time all I wanted was a job, a boyfriend, and a place to live. So, you know, nothing major. "Totally reborn" meant I'd have everything I wanted and be five years older and wiser.
Now that it's been five years I can say I do feel reborn. Not because I have all of those things, because I don't, but because there's been an internal shift.
So much of my life has been marked by fear -- fear of the future, fear of people, fear of everything. I still have my moments but these days I feel at peace more than I feel afraid. I have developed trust and confidence in myself and my higher power. I'm in recovery for all my addictions and the constant obsessing in my brain has ceased. There are moments when I don't think of anything. I couldn't even conceive of that five years ago.
I shared at a meeting last night I used to feel like the biggest freak in the room, and since joining multiple fellowships, I realize I'm not. There are other people like me. For everything "abnormal" about me I can call up people who are the same way. I feel more plugged into life, into community, into friendship. I'm having fun and enjoying myself even though life is very trying (ex: where am I living in three months? I have no idea).
On Monday I had an amazing experience where for the first time in as long as I could remember I wanted to feel connected to the divine, I wanted to feel spiritually high, more than I wanted a boyfriend, clear skin, a thinner body, or a best-selling book. That is a miracle.
The boy I sort of, maybe, kind of, possibly like is starting to go on first dates in California, which is problematic because obviously I'm in Washington, D.C. and thus unable to throw my hat in the ring. The fact my freakout lasted for less than 24 hours, that I could say I wish him well, that I could acknowledge there's nothing wrong with me and someone will think I'm awesome and want to date me, that I could feel at peace, that I could turn to spirituality instead of my drugs is awesome, in the truest sense of the word. That's what it means to be reborn: to love myself and love the world; to feel comfortable and confident; to use my sense of humor in difficult periods; to be OK with all outcomes in life.
I feel good. Hallelujah guys. So happy I made it.
Now that it's been five years I can say I do feel reborn. Not because I have all of those things, because I don't, but because there's been an internal shift.
So much of my life has been marked by fear -- fear of the future, fear of people, fear of everything. I still have my moments but these days I feel at peace more than I feel afraid. I have developed trust and confidence in myself and my higher power. I'm in recovery for all my addictions and the constant obsessing in my brain has ceased. There are moments when I don't think of anything. I couldn't even conceive of that five years ago.
I shared at a meeting last night I used to feel like the biggest freak in the room, and since joining multiple fellowships, I realize I'm not. There are other people like me. For everything "abnormal" about me I can call up people who are the same way. I feel more plugged into life, into community, into friendship. I'm having fun and enjoying myself even though life is very trying (ex: where am I living in three months? I have no idea).
On Monday I had an amazing experience where for the first time in as long as I could remember I wanted to feel connected to the divine, I wanted to feel spiritually high, more than I wanted a boyfriend, clear skin, a thinner body, or a best-selling book. That is a miracle.
The boy I sort of, maybe, kind of, possibly like is starting to go on first dates in California, which is problematic because obviously I'm in Washington, D.C. and thus unable to throw my hat in the ring. The fact my freakout lasted for less than 24 hours, that I could say I wish him well, that I could acknowledge there's nothing wrong with me and someone will think I'm awesome and want to date me, that I could feel at peace, that I could turn to spirituality instead of my drugs is awesome, in the truest sense of the word. That's what it means to be reborn: to love myself and love the world; to feel comfortable and confident; to use my sense of humor in difficult periods; to be OK with all outcomes in life.
I feel good. Hallelujah guys. So happy I made it.