(no subject)
My dad's best friend's house was broken into tonight. (I'm housesitting.) I wasn't home but I came back to a trashed house. Not too terrible but still drawers obviously gone through and the back door wide open. I'm pretty upset. I feel assaulted in my own home even though it's not my home. I feel like there's nowhere that I can go that I'm safe. I feel like this shit is following me around. I feel like I'm bringing this upon myself through my thought patterns or karma or whatever. Or maybe this stuff just happens. I feel so very traumatized. I feel so very upset. I just want to go somewhere and feel safe. I just want to feel like I can relax in my home. I want to be able to sleep through the night and that hasn't happened on a consistent basis for more than a year.
Mostly I feel like crap and shaken to my core. I keep moving in the hopes the next place will be better and thus far it hasn't been. I'm starting to doubt that I'll ever feel safe, secure, and comfortable again. At least in the city. I am so confused because I don't know where to go or what to do or anything really. This is so not helping my PTSD and in many ways is reinforcing it.
Right now I'm staying with some friends in Oakland so at least I'm out of the house for the night but Jesus H. Christ -- 2012: the worst year of my life so far. At least in 2008 I was able to sleep and I knew where I wanted to be. This year has been nothing but crap minus going to Europe and finally getting my book out. These days when I fly on an airplane I'm not so concerned about dying because I tell myself, "At least my book is out." I guess that's not totally true. This year has been good in other ways too. I've grown so much closer to my friends and community, which has been really great, and I'm not crazy and obsessive like I was. Those are all good things but the trauma and the housing stuff has hit a nadir or a zenith depending on how you want to look at it.