Harumph
I love that word, "Harumph." It sounds like the grumblings of an old man. I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore but I write journal entries primarily for me. So.
This week has not started off well. Last night I was kept awake by my neighbor playing loud bass, which necessitated dragging myself out of bed after midnight to pound on his door until he finally opened up and I could ask him to turn the music down. It's happened so rarely this year it's really ok but still, that means I didn't sleep well.
Also my knee is swollen. So much so I can't bend it all the way. Don't ask me what happened because I don't know. It just. . .started hurting. BUT this has happened to me in the past -- usually right around a big change. The first time it happened I was a junior or senior in high school. I was either a.) applying for colleges or b.) about to hear where I got in, so obviously big change. The second time was just before I moved to San Francisco, so obviously another big change. And this time, well, my book has been written and I sent a check to the design team to design the cover and lay it out. I'd say that's a HUGE change because now I'm making myself extremely vulnerable and revealing almost all my secrets. Plus hopefully this means my company will start making serious money. . .
Also today I opened my mail and surprise! I owe the IRS $780 as a penalty for filing my tax return late. Somehow my dad forgot to file an extension or something. So I'm writing a letter asking them to please spare me. Still, that was major loveliness to deal with. He said worse comes to worst he'll cover it but I have to handle it regardless because it's in my name.
At the end of the evening I lost it because 1.) even if something were seriously wrong with my knee I couldn't even see a doctor because I don't have insurance and I'm scrapping the barrel right now. I don't have the money to pay out of pocket. Yes, I qualify for SF insurance but at this moment in time I don't have it. It's really scary to think about that. 2.) Everything feels pretty intense because SO MUCH is demanding my attention and I have to do all of it. There's no one around to help me. No, I don't feel alone because I know the universe is taking care of me and I have an awesome community and supportive family and at the same time I want the physical manifestation. I want the physical help of someone to make dinner while I take a shower. Nothing extravagant but there we are. I know it's so not sexy to want a partner to help share the burdens of life but that's where I am. It would make my year if a really pretty boy made dinner while I took a shower. It would REALLY make my year if a pretty boy washed my dishes but let's not get too crazy here. My friend D was making me dinner once a week for a while and I loved it so much but that's stopped because a.) he sold his car b.) he's also crazy broke and can't afford bus fare c.) his life is super chaotic right now. He has a lot going on so he can't make it out to my apartment once a week for what used to be our standard business meeting. Truth be told, I'd love it if ANYONE made me dinner, male or female. I'm just feeling overwhelmed because right now I have to do everything. And while I *can* do everything that doesn't mean I want to. . .
This week has not started off well. Last night I was kept awake by my neighbor playing loud bass, which necessitated dragging myself out of bed after midnight to pound on his door until he finally opened up and I could ask him to turn the music down. It's happened so rarely this year it's really ok but still, that means I didn't sleep well.
Also my knee is swollen. So much so I can't bend it all the way. Don't ask me what happened because I don't know. It just. . .started hurting. BUT this has happened to me in the past -- usually right around a big change. The first time it happened I was a junior or senior in high school. I was either a.) applying for colleges or b.) about to hear where I got in, so obviously big change. The second time was just before I moved to San Francisco, so obviously another big change. And this time, well, my book has been written and I sent a check to the design team to design the cover and lay it out. I'd say that's a HUGE change because now I'm making myself extremely vulnerable and revealing almost all my secrets. Plus hopefully this means my company will start making serious money. . .
Also today I opened my mail and surprise! I owe the IRS $780 as a penalty for filing my tax return late. Somehow my dad forgot to file an extension or something. So I'm writing a letter asking them to please spare me. Still, that was major loveliness to deal with. He said worse comes to worst he'll cover it but I have to handle it regardless because it's in my name.
At the end of the evening I lost it because 1.) even if something were seriously wrong with my knee I couldn't even see a doctor because I don't have insurance and I'm scrapping the barrel right now. I don't have the money to pay out of pocket. Yes, I qualify for SF insurance but at this moment in time I don't have it. It's really scary to think about that. 2.) Everything feels pretty intense because SO MUCH is demanding my attention and I have to do all of it. There's no one around to help me. No, I don't feel alone because I know the universe is taking care of me and I have an awesome community and supportive family and at the same time I want the physical manifestation. I want the physical help of someone to make dinner while I take a shower. Nothing extravagant but there we are. I know it's so not sexy to want a partner to help share the burdens of life but that's where I am. It would make my year if a really pretty boy made dinner while I took a shower. It would REALLY make my year if a pretty boy washed my dishes but let's not get too crazy here. My friend D was making me dinner once a week for a while and I loved it so much but that's stopped because a.) he sold his car b.) he's also crazy broke and can't afford bus fare c.) his life is super chaotic right now. He has a lot going on so he can't make it out to my apartment once a week for what used to be our standard business meeting. Truth be told, I'd love it if ANYONE made me dinner, male or female. I'm just feeling overwhelmed because right now I have to do everything. And while I *can* do everything that doesn't mean I want to. . .