Growing Down
I was thinking about this last night and I realized in a way I'm reliving my childhood. Instead of growing up, I'm growing down.
None of you (except my sister) knew me as a child. Let me paint a picture for you. I was shy, quiet, serious. I was the kid the teachers always relied on to run their notes to the office, or be in charge. Responsible was my primary adjective. Much of my life was spent sitting on the bleachers (metaphorically and sometimes literally) just observing the people around me. Trying to make sense of the world. And I worried a lot as a kid. None of this footloose and fancy-free business. I was never "carefree." My parents let all of us kids know where they stood money-wise and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. At one point we went on Medicaid. My parents fought a lot about money and I was well aware of their debt. My parents wanted a middle-class lifestyle on a lower-class income. So I worried about that. I didn't want to trouble my parents about buying me things. I felt guilty whenever they bought me new shoes or new clothes or new anything. (And my dad especially loved to use guilt trips: "We can't afford that! How can you spend so much?!") I'm not blaming my parents because everyone is the victim of a victim, I'm just saying at that moment in time I chose to absorb their fears and how I let it affect me.
On top of money woes I didn't really have any friends. People thought I was weird because I was a vegetarian, and I mean, let's face it, I don't exactly see the world the way everyone else does. And I always felt like I was hiding a dirty little secret because OMG! I meditated and believed in reincarnation! So there wasn't a lot of play in my childhood. Sure, I took ballet and played soccer and learned the piano but I wasn't very social. I spent most of my time alone reading or watching movies. Or playing with my sister making up dances and performing them for my parents. (Hell yeah we did!) So I mean, it's not like my childhood was all bad or anything. There were happy moments. But overall, when people said being a child is the best part of your life I shuddered because damn. I sure hoped not.
As an adult I feel like I'm finally getting the childhood I never had. I've never felt more carefree and relaxed in my life. I'm never felt so goofy and playful. I want to blow bubbles in the park and do cartwheels in the grass (which, btw, I didn't learn how to do until two years ago) and laugh until I can't breath. I want to slide down slides and swing on swings. And you know, I do all those things. I don't know that anyone would use "playful" and "goofy" as my overarching personality traits but they sure are more present now than in the past. And I love that. I love my childlike state of wonder and amazement. I'm finally feeling light and easy and joyful. And I'm laughing because it's almost as if I'm living my life in reverse. It probably also has to do with the fact I'm no longer under my parents roof. I'm making my own money so I'm not reliant on them. I know how much I have and how much I can spend. I know the money will come and I know I'm taken care of. I know I'll be supported so I'm not buying into (ha!) the fears of my parents.
I guess it comes down to finally feeling safe and secure. It's safe for me to tell others I do yoga and meditation. It's safe for me to be in the world, and because I feel safe I can relax and feel joyful. It's funny how it took being a "grownup" for me to finally feel like a kid.
None of you (except my sister) knew me as a child. Let me paint a picture for you. I was shy, quiet, serious. I was the kid the teachers always relied on to run their notes to the office, or be in charge. Responsible was my primary adjective. Much of my life was spent sitting on the bleachers (metaphorically and sometimes literally) just observing the people around me. Trying to make sense of the world. And I worried a lot as a kid. None of this footloose and fancy-free business. I was never "carefree." My parents let all of us kids know where they stood money-wise and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. At one point we went on Medicaid. My parents fought a lot about money and I was well aware of their debt. My parents wanted a middle-class lifestyle on a lower-class income. So I worried about that. I didn't want to trouble my parents about buying me things. I felt guilty whenever they bought me new shoes or new clothes or new anything. (And my dad especially loved to use guilt trips: "We can't afford that! How can you spend so much?!") I'm not blaming my parents because everyone is the victim of a victim, I'm just saying at that moment in time I chose to absorb their fears and how I let it affect me.
On top of money woes I didn't really have any friends. People thought I was weird because I was a vegetarian, and I mean, let's face it, I don't exactly see the world the way everyone else does. And I always felt like I was hiding a dirty little secret because OMG! I meditated and believed in reincarnation! So there wasn't a lot of play in my childhood. Sure, I took ballet and played soccer and learned the piano but I wasn't very social. I spent most of my time alone reading or watching movies. Or playing with my sister making up dances and performing them for my parents. (Hell yeah we did!) So I mean, it's not like my childhood was all bad or anything. There were happy moments. But overall, when people said being a child is the best part of your life I shuddered because damn. I sure hoped not.
As an adult I feel like I'm finally getting the childhood I never had. I've never felt more carefree and relaxed in my life. I'm never felt so goofy and playful. I want to blow bubbles in the park and do cartwheels in the grass (which, btw, I didn't learn how to do until two years ago) and laugh until I can't breath. I want to slide down slides and swing on swings. And you know, I do all those things. I don't know that anyone would use "playful" and "goofy" as my overarching personality traits but they sure are more present now than in the past. And I love that. I love my childlike state of wonder and amazement. I'm finally feeling light and easy and joyful. And I'm laughing because it's almost as if I'm living my life in reverse. It probably also has to do with the fact I'm no longer under my parents roof. I'm making my own money so I'm not reliant on them. I know how much I have and how much I can spend. I know the money will come and I know I'm taken care of. I know I'll be supported so I'm not buying into (ha!) the fears of my parents.
I guess it comes down to finally feeling safe and secure. It's safe for me to tell others I do yoga and meditation. It's safe for me to be in the world, and because I feel safe I can relax and feel joyful. It's funny how it took being a "grownup" for me to finally feel like a kid.