Balance Points
It has been very hard for me to keep any semblance of balance of lately. Most of you who are reading this have more than a bit of a inkling as to why. I am not balanced now. I haven't been since Simulana decided a week before going to Boulder to end our relationship, engagement, and everything. Along with all that news came a number of other revelations which after writing a bit about I deleted and decided will not be mentioned in this post. That isn't to be the focus here and I really do need to focus.
So on the way to class I have a bit of a walk. The walk is a good thing though. Lets me contemplate things and get ready for the class I will be teaching. It also gives me time to realize a bit of what is arround me and contemplate life. Honestly the contemplating my life part has been taking up more of my thoughts of late. As well it should, but not to the exclusion of all else. On my walk this morning I passed a wall that I have passed several times now and realized just how far the ivy upon it had climbed. It is easily 30-40 feet tall, and the ivy has climbed all the way to the top. An amazing feat to be sure considering it is a solid brick wall. How much perseverence and dedication must it take to climb so far and overcome so much! But that is ivy for you. Willing to put forth that effort, hold on tight and climb to the highest hieght. But then not all plants are Ivy. Not all are able or even have any desire to hold on and climb. They would rather stand on their own. No support, nothing to rely on but themselves. Do we hold that against them or admire them for their solitary beauty and strength? Well I guess that would depend. I could continue this analogy and go on to talk about how trees and ivy interact, and how they can grow together etc, but I am afraid that I am bellaboring a point that is unwanted. So I'll stop that thought for now and go on to something else. Those of you who want to continue the thought though, I leave that to you and your reminisces.
[sighs] There is so much I want to write here. And I won't have time for it all before class has to start. Students are already here and working on their lab. Not much time but so many thoughts.
I talked to her briefly this morning. She had some questions about the account, and needed answers. That led to some other discussion about journals and the like and then on to the logistics of this weekend when I am scheduled to be there. There are definite conflicts, but each time I talk to her it seems there are more. More barriers, more distance, more of everything but what this weekend was originally hoped to be. A time to talk, spend time together and maybe, just maybe come to a balance point that would allow us to go forward, in whichever direction that might be. But she doesn't want forward it seems. She just wants a end. Space she will call it and convince herself is all it is. Time to think and find her strength and see if she needs to stand on her own. But that isn't fair. Standing on your own doesn't require that you lean away from all that might provide cover from the wind and shade from the sun. Standing alone doesn't mean driving others away.
I contemplate this weekend and wonder if it might be worth it to just cancel it all. Just not use my ticket and get a one way ticket back. It would cost a lot. And the ticket I wouldn't be using already cost a lot, and was difficult to arrange. But at the same point... well it isn't like going forward with it will be cheap either fiscally or emotionally either.
So do I cut my losses? Do I retreat back and burn my boats? I've certainly been considering it. But then I think of that Ivy. How hard it was to climb so far and achieve so much. No small effort to be sure. And the result? A beautiful wall covered in multiple plants all achieving great heihts. I'm not sure which is the better route. But I think I need to figure that out soon, or it may be bridges and not boats I am burning.
So on the way to class I have a bit of a walk. The walk is a good thing though. Lets me contemplate things and get ready for the class I will be teaching. It also gives me time to realize a bit of what is arround me and contemplate life. Honestly the contemplating my life part has been taking up more of my thoughts of late. As well it should, but not to the exclusion of all else. On my walk this morning I passed a wall that I have passed several times now and realized just how far the ivy upon it had climbed. It is easily 30-40 feet tall, and the ivy has climbed all the way to the top. An amazing feat to be sure considering it is a solid brick wall. How much perseverence and dedication must it take to climb so far and overcome so much! But that is ivy for you. Willing to put forth that effort, hold on tight and climb to the highest hieght. But then not all plants are Ivy. Not all are able or even have any desire to hold on and climb. They would rather stand on their own. No support, nothing to rely on but themselves. Do we hold that against them or admire them for their solitary beauty and strength? Well I guess that would depend. I could continue this analogy and go on to talk about how trees and ivy interact, and how they can grow together etc, but I am afraid that I am bellaboring a point that is unwanted. So I'll stop that thought for now and go on to something else. Those of you who want to continue the thought though, I leave that to you and your reminisces.
[sighs] There is so much I want to write here. And I won't have time for it all before class has to start. Students are already here and working on their lab. Not much time but so many thoughts.
I talked to her briefly this morning. She had some questions about the account, and needed answers. That led to some other discussion about journals and the like and then on to the logistics of this weekend when I am scheduled to be there. There are definite conflicts, but each time I talk to her it seems there are more. More barriers, more distance, more of everything but what this weekend was originally hoped to be. A time to talk, spend time together and maybe, just maybe come to a balance point that would allow us to go forward, in whichever direction that might be. But she doesn't want forward it seems. She just wants a end. Space she will call it and convince herself is all it is. Time to think and find her strength and see if she needs to stand on her own. But that isn't fair. Standing on your own doesn't require that you lean away from all that might provide cover from the wind and shade from the sun. Standing alone doesn't mean driving others away.
I contemplate this weekend and wonder if it might be worth it to just cancel it all. Just not use my ticket and get a one way ticket back. It would cost a lot. And the ticket I wouldn't be using already cost a lot, and was difficult to arrange. But at the same point... well it isn't like going forward with it will be cheap either fiscally or emotionally either.
So do I cut my losses? Do I retreat back and burn my boats? I've certainly been considering it. But then I think of that Ivy. How hard it was to climb so far and achieve so much. No small effort to be sure. And the result? A beautiful wall covered in multiple plants all achieving great heihts. I'm not sure which is the better route. But I think I need to figure that out soon, or it may be bridges and not boats I am burning.