could be a quarter life crisis
Life is seriously stressing me out at the moment. Things aren't bad per say, but everything has been nonstop for the past few weeks and its just all taking its toll.
Finals were hell as usual. Insane hours of studying that end in you leaving your exam feeling like you just gave birth to triplets. At the same time. Despite that, they were decently enough I suppose. I didn't have anything for physics, which made life a ton easier, and the others I did pretty well on. In fact I tied for top grade in my plant bio class, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me considering I hate plant biology. I was really worried about that and pathogenic... I really didn't think I'd pull off the C required for my major, but somehow I did a lot better than I expected. I wound up with:
Plant Bio: B-
Pathogenic Micro: B-
Italian: A
Physics: A
Choir: A
so all in all that comes to a 3.33 for the semester... yea I can definitely live with that. My scholarship is nice and safe now.
We started moving last Thursday. 2 full loads in my car, 2 in Jon's, quite a few in Joe's Durango, one in matt's and 2 full U-hauls and we've finally got all of our stuff over here. The old house is cleaned out as well as all of Joe's stuff from Pittsfield (finally!)... that in itself was enough to make me want to rip out my hair. Not to mention the fact that I drove the 14 ft Uhaul out to Pittsfield by myself.. which is about 45 min each way. I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but considering I don’t even like driving my dad's minivan it was a big step for me.
Anyway.. this is the first day that I feel like I'm living in a house rather than a storage facility. There’s still various boxes scattered across the house, but at least its mostly livable now. and I didn't have to get take out because we finally unpacked our kitchen. yay for real food...
Matt and Melissa have moved into Ryan's room for the summer. I'm really glad they're our summer subleters because I absolutely love them... but at the same time it sucks just a little bit too... they're so damn cute together. They're all cuddly and kissy and it makes me sad because I remember when I used to be like that and I really miss it. Joe just apparently isn't interested in touching me. period. no kisses, no hugs, no cuddling in bed... I just really miss it. Other than that things are ok with us... I just miss feeling wanted... I don't understand how me, someone who is all about showing affection, is dating the one man who wont give any...
The biggest thing that’s freaking me out right now is the future. I've decided that I'm not going for education anymore. Good job Katie, way to wait until now to change your mind. I still intend to graduate with my bachelors in biology, so that part hasn't changed, but I don't want to go for my masters is secondary education.. at least I dot think I do. the more I think about the more I think that I would be a really bad teacher. I enjoy helping people, but I just don’t think I have what it takes. I'd get overwhelmed and take it too personally when someone didn't want to learn... so yea. cue change in masters program.
The problem is that now I have no idea what I want. And that is seriously freaking me out. I'm OCD. I need to have a plan, especially when its going to dictate the rest of my life. Also, if I really am abandoning the whole education thing, I have to drop out of the course I'm taking this summer. No reason to waste the $3,000 on a 12 credit class that will do me no good.
oh yea, and since I'm not going to be in Brewster with my amazing job at Centennial, I need to find a job to put away some cash
So basically, I need to get a summer job, but can't until I figure out whether or not I'm taking this course, because it changes my availability. and I don't want to drop the class until I completely decided that teachings not the right way to go for me. But I can't really do that until I decide what I DO want to do.
And I love my mother, and God knows she's just trying to help me, but she’s just making things worse. She's worried that I'm going to go into UNH grad school because its convenient and I’m too scared to take a chance on something different. She thinks that because I'm comfortable here that I'll pass up something great and be miserable. She doesn't want me to make the same mistakes she did... and I understand all that. But I don't know what I want! I'm looking at UNH grad school because I know the programs, I know the professors and yea, I'll admit, It's comfortable here. If I knew what I wanted, and UNH didn't have it, I wouldn't hesitate to go after it. If that meant moving to California for a few years to get it, so be it. But the fact of the matter is that I DON'T know. All I know is that it's probably going to be in zoology. and UNH has a great grad program for that. So why would I pack up my life, leave everything I know and take a chance on something somewhere else when I'd be getting the same thing here?
I don't know, I keep trying to explain that to her but I just wind up feeling guilty... because deciding on grad school isn't stressful enough, lets add the fear of disappointing my mother on top of it.
I don't know if any of that rambling rant even made sense, but I'm not functioning at 100% at the moment. What I really want to do is crawl into bed, be cuddled and be told that everything will work out. Instead I'm going to make self some tea and head to bed alone. awesome.
Oh, and P.S. When I come home in 2 weeks I'm chopping off my hair and actually allowing my mother to talk me into piercing my ears. proof of a quarter life crisis? I think so.
Finals were hell as usual. Insane hours of studying that end in you leaving your exam feeling like you just gave birth to triplets. At the same time. Despite that, they were decently enough I suppose. I didn't have anything for physics, which made life a ton easier, and the others I did pretty well on. In fact I tied for top grade in my plant bio class, which is a HUGE accomplishment for me considering I hate plant biology. I was really worried about that and pathogenic... I really didn't think I'd pull off the C required for my major, but somehow I did a lot better than I expected. I wound up with:
Plant Bio: B-
Pathogenic Micro: B-
Italian: A
Physics: A
Choir: A
so all in all that comes to a 3.33 for the semester... yea I can definitely live with that. My scholarship is nice and safe now.
We started moving last Thursday. 2 full loads in my car, 2 in Jon's, quite a few in Joe's Durango, one in matt's and 2 full U-hauls and we've finally got all of our stuff over here. The old house is cleaned out as well as all of Joe's stuff from Pittsfield (finally!)... that in itself was enough to make me want to rip out my hair. Not to mention the fact that I drove the 14 ft Uhaul out to Pittsfield by myself.. which is about 45 min each way. I know that doesn't sound like such a big deal, but considering I don’t even like driving my dad's minivan it was a big step for me.
Anyway.. this is the first day that I feel like I'm living in a house rather than a storage facility. There’s still various boxes scattered across the house, but at least its mostly livable now. and I didn't have to get take out because we finally unpacked our kitchen. yay for real food...
Matt and Melissa have moved into Ryan's room for the summer. I'm really glad they're our summer subleters because I absolutely love them... but at the same time it sucks just a little bit too... they're so damn cute together. They're all cuddly and kissy and it makes me sad because I remember when I used to be like that and I really miss it. Joe just apparently isn't interested in touching me. period. no kisses, no hugs, no cuddling in bed... I just really miss it. Other than that things are ok with us... I just miss feeling wanted... I don't understand how me, someone who is all about showing affection, is dating the one man who wont give any...
The biggest thing that’s freaking me out right now is the future. I've decided that I'm not going for education anymore. Good job Katie, way to wait until now to change your mind. I still intend to graduate with my bachelors in biology, so that part hasn't changed, but I don't want to go for my masters is secondary education.. at least I dot think I do. the more I think about the more I think that I would be a really bad teacher. I enjoy helping people, but I just don’t think I have what it takes. I'd get overwhelmed and take it too personally when someone didn't want to learn... so yea. cue change in masters program.
The problem is that now I have no idea what I want. And that is seriously freaking me out. I'm OCD. I need to have a plan, especially when its going to dictate the rest of my life. Also, if I really am abandoning the whole education thing, I have to drop out of the course I'm taking this summer. No reason to waste the $3,000 on a 12 credit class that will do me no good.
oh yea, and since I'm not going to be in Brewster with my amazing job at Centennial, I need to find a job to put away some cash
So basically, I need to get a summer job, but can't until I figure out whether or not I'm taking this course, because it changes my availability. and I don't want to drop the class until I completely decided that teachings not the right way to go for me. But I can't really do that until I decide what I DO want to do.
And I love my mother, and God knows she's just trying to help me, but she’s just making things worse. She's worried that I'm going to go into UNH grad school because its convenient and I’m too scared to take a chance on something different. She thinks that because I'm comfortable here that I'll pass up something great and be miserable. She doesn't want me to make the same mistakes she did... and I understand all that. But I don't know what I want! I'm looking at UNH grad school because I know the programs, I know the professors and yea, I'll admit, It's comfortable here. If I knew what I wanted, and UNH didn't have it, I wouldn't hesitate to go after it. If that meant moving to California for a few years to get it, so be it. But the fact of the matter is that I DON'T know. All I know is that it's probably going to be in zoology. and UNH has a great grad program for that. So why would I pack up my life, leave everything I know and take a chance on something somewhere else when I'd be getting the same thing here?
I don't know, I keep trying to explain that to her but I just wind up feeling guilty... because deciding on grad school isn't stressful enough, lets add the fear of disappointing my mother on top of it.
I don't know if any of that rambling rant even made sense, but I'm not functioning at 100% at the moment. What I really want to do is crawl into bed, be cuddled and be told that everything will work out. Instead I'm going to make self some tea and head to bed alone. awesome.
Oh, and P.S. When I come home in 2 weeks I'm chopping off my hair and actually allowing my mother to talk me into piercing my ears. proof of a quarter life crisis? I think so.