You say you've got some Nerve
I haven't seen his lazy, excuse-making, ignorant face for months now and it has been perfect. He decided, of course, to show himself this morning, at work where I couldn't ignore him or leave, and made me make his drink. On MY birthday. He struts over, smiles, and said "Happy Birthday". I pretended I didn't hear him, and he repeated himself. I was shaking, I could feel my face burn red-hot with anger, all I wanted to do was leap over the espresso bar and... I didn't decaf him, spit in his drink, or rinse cycle it. I guess I needed to validate the fact that I'm a more amiable, sensitive, ethical, and honest person than him. Or maybe I was feeling self-righteous. His bold audacity still astounds me, and my over analysis of his intention enervated me within a mere few minutes. I lost my own battle.
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*whispering* "don't stand so close to me... What are you doing for your birthday?" *whispering* "just make up a lie..."
I wasn't standing inappropriately close. I'm tired of hiding and lying, especially now that it doesn't matter. I'm drained and annoyed. So I just ignore. I can't express myself or show my friends such a special part of my life. I have to lie, and there's no telling if I'll ever be able to let them know. I always have to lie. I always have to turn down suggestions for me, and I look more like a snobby prat who doesn't appreciate his friends. And I can't tell them why. They bend over backwards for me, and I lie to them. I get annoyed with myself and I grow tired of saying "No, I'm too busy for dates" when I just want to say "I have found the perfect one right here!" I don't enjoy lying, it's not for me. I value emotional closenesses that I have cultivated with these amazing people, and I'm acting against my nature.
I am so irritated.
That's two for two before 10 am.
Now if my dad doesn't call it would just be icing on the cake. I don't know why it eats at me; he's only remembered his oldest son was born on this day once in 5 years. I'm still trying to believe that it doesn't bother me.
My birthday always seems to be both one of happiest and most somber days of my year.
Tonight a bunch of friends from work are going to be seeing me at different times and at different places. Today's episode confirms that I will have to yet again "pretend" to be something I'm not: single; and uncomfortably ignore my boyfriend and not look at him like he's seen me naked and pretend that he's not a huge positive part of my life.
It affects me more than I will let on, even to myself.
Everyone's a clown.
Tonight will be fun nonetheless. I need it.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
*whispering* "don't stand so close to me... What are you doing for your birthday?" *whispering* "just make up a lie..."
I wasn't standing inappropriately close. I'm tired of hiding and lying, especially now that it doesn't matter. I'm drained and annoyed. So I just ignore. I can't express myself or show my friends such a special part of my life. I have to lie, and there's no telling if I'll ever be able to let them know. I always have to lie. I always have to turn down suggestions for me, and I look more like a snobby prat who doesn't appreciate his friends. And I can't tell them why. They bend over backwards for me, and I lie to them. I get annoyed with myself and I grow tired of saying "No, I'm too busy for dates" when I just want to say "I have found the perfect one right here!" I don't enjoy lying, it's not for me. I value emotional closenesses that I have cultivated with these amazing people, and I'm acting against my nature.
I am so irritated.
That's two for two before 10 am.
Now if my dad doesn't call it would just be icing on the cake. I don't know why it eats at me; he's only remembered his oldest son was born on this day once in 5 years. I'm still trying to believe that it doesn't bother me.
My birthday always seems to be both one of happiest and most somber days of my year.
Tonight a bunch of friends from work are going to be seeing me at different times and at different places. Today's episode confirms that I will have to yet again "pretend" to be something I'm not: single; and uncomfortably ignore my boyfriend and not look at him like he's seen me naked and pretend that he's not a huge positive part of my life.
It affects me more than I will let on, even to myself.
Everyone's a clown.
Tonight will be fun nonetheless. I need it.