Teenage Sentiments
I realized today somewhere between the Diag and the Union that I don't have a damn clue about what I want to do after I graduate. I think I want to go to Grad school, or maybe the school of Public Policy. But do I really? What program do I want to do? Why don't I feel motivated enough to think about it? I do care. I think it's ironic how much I thought I had it together before I got here my sophomore year of college, I was going to Egypt for study abroad. I was going to do an internship this summer at an embassy. I was going to be on top of things, I was going to put myself above everything else. But I didn't. I did none of it. I can't say that I regret it, and that's partly what scares me. Why am I so indifferent to what I've decided?
I'm worried that I don't know what I want.
Honestly, when I met Ben, I had no idea that it would turn out like it did. I didn't fore see a relationship. I didn't know that we would be living together. I didn't know that I'd feel the way I feel still about him. I had no idea.
I had no idea.
Now what? We talk in passing about it sometimes, and I don't really think he gives it a second thought. He wants to get into Med school at U of M. He wants to live in Ann Arbor. And if he does? I don't know. I can't get work in Ann Arbor unless I want to teach, of which I haven't the slightest desire. I'd have to leave to find work, and he'd stay in AA. After that long in a relationship, who wants to separate and just let it go? I don't. I can't say how I'd feel in a year from now when I have to make the decision about school and work, but I can't help but think about it. How do you preserve such a thing when interests conflict so much like that? I'm torn, and it eats at me when I think about it.
I feel so high school.
Yes, it's true, you should do what is best for you, isn't it? But what is best? I don't know. I don't know if it's even proper to think about it now, or just let things happen the way they will. But that's now how I operate. I think far ahead so I'm not surprised. I play it all out before it happens; I plan for the worst. I always have. I don't want to though.
All I'm looking for is assurance, that's what I need. Yet I know that it is impossible to give.
I know I should think about my future, but I want him in it. I want each of us to be happy, and I'm not sure what that means. I'm happy now. I can't fathom it changing. Ah to only have had some more experience in these matters.
Bottom line. I need to function. I need to decide what is right and smart for my life. All I can do is pray that everything will work out so that I don't have to go through it all alone, without him.
I don't know if it's smart to put my faith in Fate, but I have no other choice.
It's not about what is Smart, I think, but what is possible.
I'm worried that I don't know what I want.
Honestly, when I met Ben, I had no idea that it would turn out like it did. I didn't fore see a relationship. I didn't know that we would be living together. I didn't know that I'd feel the way I feel still about him. I had no idea.
I had no idea.
Now what? We talk in passing about it sometimes, and I don't really think he gives it a second thought. He wants to get into Med school at U of M. He wants to live in Ann Arbor. And if he does? I don't know. I can't get work in Ann Arbor unless I want to teach, of which I haven't the slightest desire. I'd have to leave to find work, and he'd stay in AA. After that long in a relationship, who wants to separate and just let it go? I don't. I can't say how I'd feel in a year from now when I have to make the decision about school and work, but I can't help but think about it. How do you preserve such a thing when interests conflict so much like that? I'm torn, and it eats at me when I think about it.
I feel so high school.
Yes, it's true, you should do what is best for you, isn't it? But what is best? I don't know. I don't know if it's even proper to think about it now, or just let things happen the way they will. But that's now how I operate. I think far ahead so I'm not surprised. I play it all out before it happens; I plan for the worst. I always have. I don't want to though.
All I'm looking for is assurance, that's what I need. Yet I know that it is impossible to give.
I know I should think about my future, but I want him in it. I want each of us to be happy, and I'm not sure what that means. I'm happy now. I can't fathom it changing. Ah to only have had some more experience in these matters.
Bottom line. I need to function. I need to decide what is right and smart for my life. All I can do is pray that everything will work out so that I don't have to go through it all alone, without him.
I don't know if it's smart to put my faith in Fate, but I have no other choice.
It's not about what is Smart, I think, but what is possible.