Makes me sad
Yesterday talking on the phone made me realize how different things are and it makes me sad. Here I was talking to my good friend who I haven't seen in OVER a year. Yea she goes to state but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have seen her. Hopefully we can get together soon cause I miss her. It also made me realize how much i've changed since the last time I saw her. She even told me so, but it was changing in a good way I suppose cause it just reminded me how much i've calmed down. We were talking bout things and I told her it's been well over a year since i've smoked, how much I hate the idea of it, everything else about it and that I hardly drink anymore, she's like "wow you have changed but in a good way" and I never thought about it and I never thought I would hear it but I have changed a lot. Not only cleaning up and straightening out my life, but for the first time in my life i'm with someone I actually care about and would never want to lose. I hardly see anyone I went to school with (that I would actually want to see) and that makes me sad in itself. To think of everyone I was close with and now it's like "yea haven't seen them in a year" as if it's no big deal. The only people I see now are from the barn, and that's a rare occasion in itself. Yea I may be out at the barn a couple times a week but it's not like everyone is out there at once. The only time i've gotten to see everyone was at a graduation party, how sad is that? We shouldn't need a fucking graduation to be the only time to see each other. I don't know I guess i've just been racking my brain lately as to why things changed so quickly. Yea I know with going off to college people begin to break away but fuck I haven't seen the people who LIVE in my sub or two minutes away in a sub on the SAME fucking road. I haven't even seen the people i've known most of my life. Kristen who i've known my entire life I haven't seen her in ages, well at the grad party but that doesn't count. Steph who i've known for 17 years I haven't seen her in about a year. I guess i'm going threw withdrawl of people I havent' seen and it's starting to get to me. I know i've been an emotional wreck between what's goin on in my family life, in my job at times, and everything else but I think talking yesterday just pounded it in my head even more. Like a big reminder of "hey fucker why haven't you seen any of your friends" and the answer is I don't know. Is it because i'm always gone now? Well maybe. Is it because i'm with someone who I see everyday and I don't want that to ever change? Possibly. There is no reasonable answer for any of it. There is no excuse why I haven't seen anyone. Or why I haven't picked up the fucking phone to call anyone. There is no excusable reason why anyone can't see their friends. I suppose anyone looking at this will just think i'm complaining, but it's not that it's been inside me for so long and I needed to release some of it before I went insane. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I think a lot of tension will get off my shoulders once this class is over next week, it's just one more burden i've had to deal with. It seems at that time i'm ready to crack up again and start to lose it. I seem to not be able to let myself be happy for too long. Some of the same things are bothering me, but a whole new slew of them just got brought in. Just when I become happy for a good amount of time, I kick myself in the pants just as a reminder. The only thing is I don't know how long this time will last, just like all the other times. I think once I start seeing people again it'll help, but who the fuck knows when that will be.