Welcome to the club...malfleurDecember 15 2005, 18:51:12 UTC
You know, Kristin,
It's so weird seeing this stuff on LiveJournal, knowing that in a few months, maybe even now, I'll be reading here about how happy you are, about how you found a new love, about how you are over it... Blogging is an amazing thing, isn't it? If I go back two years of previous entries, I see all those entries from when we fell in love, and if we go further back, we see entries from when you fell out of love with other people. I guess I never wanted to believe that one day you'll be writing those things about me. When we became a couple that wonderful thursday night, I really did believe that we would be together.
I know I've put you through rough times, I am sure your friends-only journal, to which I never had access, was full of stories. You know I felt bad about it every time, you know that I've tried to change, and in many ways, I did. Not cold-turkey, but I have. And I knew you loved me more than anyone before, and I was the same way. If I had not shown it or admitted it, it was because I was scared about the future, about you pursuing your dreams, and I did not want to be the one holding you back. I have sacrificed people in the past for dreams, and did not want to compell you to do the same.
We had problems, deep problems. Things we could not stand about each other, issues of trust. I will not use this forum for discussing them, but you know how much they had hurt me, especially at the times when I was the most vulnerable in my life. And yet I guess that I would have eventually forgiven. Inbal told me once that people don't change, but I have to believe that people can, that people do change, eventually, for the right thing. Otherwise, what hope does any of us have? What are the chances that me, you, or a lot of other people could ever be in a successful grown-up relationship? I don't believe that it's just about finding a person who accepts; it is about putting in the effort.
Even now, when it has ended, I know that it was real, as real as anything could be. I doubt I will ever encounter it again, but I have to hold on to the hope that I would, and because I love you and I want you to be happy, I I have to hope the same for you, no matter how much it will pain me.
I know from previous experience that two years down the line, my pain will still be fresh. I also know that other people carry on with their lives, stop loving the other person. I cannot do that. I am scared. Not only of being alone, of having this repeating, but of knowing that if this is how I felt about previous relationships that were not as real, it is going to be much much worse with this having ended.
You were my life Kristin. When I said, on that night years ago, that if you are the last person I would ever be with then I would be content, I meant it. I know it scared you, but I was always good in evaluating people, or at least I thought I was. I guess I never got that wish.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm even writing this. Maybe so that you'll have something to remember me by. I have always loved you, and always will. Uri
It's so weird seeing this stuff on LiveJournal, knowing that in a few months, maybe even now, I'll be reading here about how happy you are, about how you found a new love, about how you are over it... Blogging is an amazing thing, isn't it? If I go back two years of previous entries, I see all those entries from when we fell in love, and if we go further back, we see entries from when you fell out of love with other people. I guess I never wanted to believe that one day you'll be writing those things about me. When we became a couple that wonderful thursday night, I really did believe that we would be together.
I know I've put you through rough times, I am sure your friends-only journal, to which I never had access, was full of stories. You know I felt bad about it every time, you know that I've tried to change, and in many ways, I did. Not cold-turkey, but I have. And I knew you loved me more than anyone before, and I was the same way. If I had not shown it or admitted it, it was because I was scared about the future, about you pursuing your dreams, and I did not want to be the one holding you back. I have sacrificed people in the past for dreams, and did not want to compell you to do the same.
We had problems, deep problems. Things we could not stand about each other, issues of trust. I will not use this forum for discussing them, but you know how much they had hurt me, especially at the times when I was the most vulnerable in my life. And yet I guess that I would have eventually forgiven. Inbal told me once that people don't change, but I have to believe that people can, that people do change, eventually, for the right thing. Otherwise, what hope does any of us have? What are the chances that me, you, or a lot of other people could ever be in a successful grown-up relationship? I don't believe that it's just about finding a person who accepts; it is about putting in the effort.
Even now, when it has ended, I know that it was real, as real as anything could be. I doubt I will ever encounter it again, but I have to hold on to the hope that I would, and because I love you and I want you to be happy, I I have to hope the same for you, no matter how much it will pain me.
I know from previous experience that two years down the line, my pain will still be fresh. I also know that other people carry on with their lives, stop loving the other person. I cannot do that. I am scared. Not only of being alone, of having this repeating, but of knowing that if this is how I felt about previous relationships that were not as real, it is going to be much much worse with this having ended.
You were my life Kristin. When I said, on that night years ago, that if you are the last person I would ever be with then I would be content, I meant it. I know it scared you, but I was always good in evaluating people, or at least I thought I was. I guess I never got that wish.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm even writing this. Maybe so that you'll have something to remember me by. I have always loved you, and always will.
Uri
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