anxiety, 2
I canceled my therapy appointment today. I've gone twice.
I woke up and it was rainy. It felt so cozy and needed. Sitting in therapy didn't appeal to me; rehashing all the stuff I rehash in my mind daily didn't appeal to me. I hate to say I don't feel like its working, but, well, I guess I just did.
I know I probably need to give it more time. To learn all the tips & tricks & strategies. But, sometimes I feel like I can do that on the internet. For free, nonetheless. I'm not discounting the profession, or even the person. Just the pace; and maybe my impatience.
Yesterday, I felt significantly better. I felt like my anxiety would come and go, but I was able to accept it (mostly), which I'm learning is the important part. Like if I feel an anxious feeling--its okay. Its just a feeling.
Its a lot harder to accept my hands shaking, but I'm trying to do that more, too. Its my condition, not who I am, and no one is going to criticize someone for a medical condition like that.
I can still be an amazing person with anxiety. I can still be one with depression. When I was depressed, and coming out of it, I felt I had so much more depth now, that I could feel so much more greatly. With anxiety, I feel blessed with sensitivity, with awareness. I know I just need to harness this better and it will be a powerful skill, rather than a burden.
Some days it feels hard. Its mostly dreading sections of my day, much less being at the actual event. When I do get anxious, I pace myself, I breath, I look at objects around the room, I handle it. Before the event, I can only imagine. I can only guess what I'm going to feel like, how hard its going to be, how other's will react. 90% of the time I imagine it to be worse than it is.
---
I feel like ruminating on anxiety is making me more anxious. I feel like when I refocus my energies into all the good I have in my life--my fiance, my dog, my (sometimes) cat, my house, my candles, seasonal favorites, music--I feel so much better than when I talk, think, or write about my anxiety. This is a switch, because I used to only feel better when I focused on anxiety--like I was facing it head on.
I feel like I'm doing very well. I feel guilty and torn up and anxious about canceling therapy. But maybe it was my gut instinct. Maybe it was fated. Maybe, I made my therapist's day.
**I always think of that now. Like, how happy I am when other people cancel. They probably have no idea--you know, it's not like a can tell them.
I woke up and it was rainy. It felt so cozy and needed. Sitting in therapy didn't appeal to me; rehashing all the stuff I rehash in my mind daily didn't appeal to me. I hate to say I don't feel like its working, but, well, I guess I just did.
I know I probably need to give it more time. To learn all the tips & tricks & strategies. But, sometimes I feel like I can do that on the internet. For free, nonetheless. I'm not discounting the profession, or even the person. Just the pace; and maybe my impatience.
Yesterday, I felt significantly better. I felt like my anxiety would come and go, but I was able to accept it (mostly), which I'm learning is the important part. Like if I feel an anxious feeling--its okay. Its just a feeling.
Its a lot harder to accept my hands shaking, but I'm trying to do that more, too. Its my condition, not who I am, and no one is going to criticize someone for a medical condition like that.
I can still be an amazing person with anxiety. I can still be one with depression. When I was depressed, and coming out of it, I felt I had so much more depth now, that I could feel so much more greatly. With anxiety, I feel blessed with sensitivity, with awareness. I know I just need to harness this better and it will be a powerful skill, rather than a burden.
Some days it feels hard. Its mostly dreading sections of my day, much less being at the actual event. When I do get anxious, I pace myself, I breath, I look at objects around the room, I handle it. Before the event, I can only imagine. I can only guess what I'm going to feel like, how hard its going to be, how other's will react. 90% of the time I imagine it to be worse than it is.
---
I feel like ruminating on anxiety is making me more anxious. I feel like when I refocus my energies into all the good I have in my life--my fiance, my dog, my (sometimes) cat, my house, my candles, seasonal favorites, music--I feel so much better than when I talk, think, or write about my anxiety. This is a switch, because I used to only feel better when I focused on anxiety--like I was facing it head on.
I feel like I'm doing very well. I feel guilty and torn up and anxious about canceling therapy. But maybe it was my gut instinct. Maybe it was fated. Maybe, I made my therapist's day.
**I always think of that now. Like, how happy I am when other people cancel. They probably have no idea--you know, it's not like a can tell them.