May 09, 2014 20:43
I had a bad day today. I cried a lot, I had a bad headache. I felt yuck. Some anxiety and just general I COULD SCREAM. Jason told me that he would watch the kids so that I could go to a girl night out at Kellys.
He told me for THREE weeks that he would watch the kids.. today he told me "I will let you know" It is TOMORROW. I cried so hard. I really do try to be so nice to him. I leave him treats, I leave him plates of dinner.When he is being a jerk I text him "Have a great day' and "good night". I avoid drama and fights with him as, I had decided that being NICE was more important than being RIGHT... yet, he doesn't respond AT ALL to my kindness.
I don't get his anger. HE got what HE wanted. He wanted a divorce, he has it. I was the "Reason he was so miserable our entire marriage" ... why is he still SO miserable (I would venture to say more so).
I don't get it. I don't get it, I don't get it.
The only thing I can think of is that he hates when I am nice because he has me as a villian in his head and, when I am being nice, I am not validating his claims in his mind?
I am sorry but that will NEVER happen. I am NOT that person.
I can be mean, I can be a monster.. I am not perfect but, in general I am a nice person. I am not a villian.
Everyone tells me that I shuold "do this or that" I am not that person.. at the end of the day I have to live wiht myself ..
I just wish he would see that us being civil to eachother is SO IMPORTANT to our kids HAPPINESS. that it is CRUCIAL to them dealing with this ... he doesn't seem to care. He is out of their lives except for the weekends he has them. he doesn't realize the big picture. The hate is blinding him.
I have begged and begged him. I have asked him "what can I do? please tell me" and yet, still no response. No kindness, no joy, no nothing.
All I can do is pray. This is hard enough. At least for me. Being a single mom of four kids is the hardest thing I have ever done. I never imagined it being so hard.
I am tired emotionally and physically. I am burnt out from working party time and parenting full time.
I am drained. I am tired... I do it all with little help. Mom isn't available .. she was locked into a babysitting thing with my bro. When she started, they never thought I would be divorced. My brother works, goes to school, has a baby... He isn't available.
I have Della pretty much and Jason. Jason almost always says no except when I am working and even then, when I am working, he gives a hard time and stipulations. It is NOT fair ... He gets to go to work every day and not worry about a sitter... OH and the clincher is... that he REFUSES to pay for ANY child care even tho he is supposed to pay half. SO, here my measly ten dollars an hour PART-TIME I am paying baby sitters at least fifty a week. he says, he pays for child care when he pays for child support. WRONG, totally different.
Meanwhile I see the things he buys, I hear of them from the kids too. He acts like he has no money but, I know what is going on. I also know he is working over time every day and some weekends even tho , he hasn't reported it. he SHOULD be paying more in child support but, apparently, it isn't important to take care of your children
I know I am a debbie downer today. Somedays are just like this. I had a record, I went like THREE days without crying this week. IN A ROW... look at me go.
When people ask me how I am doing I say " I haven't cried today" (if I haven't cried) that is all I can give them. I give everyone false sense that I am doing well since I am always smiling (I only cry alone in my bathroom so the kids dont even see) and I am my bubbly self. I moved up in my job pretty quick and I am what the chefs now call "the all star" and "top dog" .. it feels good to have that tittle. TO be training people already because I am good at my job (helps that I LOVE it) ... it feels good to be valued. And, I truly feel it . Today sue texted me to tell me that they all love me. It is so nice. But, behind all of that.. be hind the fact that I am buying my OWN home and making it through each day... behind the fact that I have gained more self esteem than I ever thought possible and that I love myself for the first time in SO long I can't remember... behind all of that is this grey cloud that hangs over my head. The cloud of failure, the cloud of disappointment.. the cloud of rejection, and loss.
I have suffered great loss. I lost my husband and many family members. I lost neices and nephews and I lost friends.
I lost... I lost my dreams of being a stay at home mom and, as much as I love my job, it is SO hard to work and do what I need to. WHen I am home from work, I am tired. When I am at work I am longing to be home. It is a struggle. People don't realize it.. at least I never did.
Some people in my life are so busy being happy that I am divorced they don't take the time to realize that I am grieving..that my children suffer... Divorce is not something to be cheering about. Not when kids are involved. I dislike it when people encourage and aid in divorcing ... for, especially the ones who put thier hate in front of the love of others, have NO idea the suffering that taks place... and, I am not even saying my own.I am a big girl. I can get over and I will... but My children suffer... to those people I say GOOD FOR YOU... glad that you got what YOU wanted and my children miss their dad.. my children cry and act out and have issues because they don't have a whole family.
Like tonight,... Kaleb asked to call jason. I never EVER tell them no. I always allow them to call their dad or text him whenever they want... even tho I KNOW the end result is going to be him not answering. And, it chips away at my heart every time like tonight when Kaleb called and there was no answer and NO phone call back. He got off of work an hour ago....
And last night, Jason was out of work and I was working. Kaleb got a magraine. I called Jason and left him a message asking him to go to my house becaue Kaleb was throwing up for the sitter. Jason turned his phone off... never answered back and never even called to see how he was... he knows he suffers big time from migraines...
sigh, tomorrow is a new day