A letter I sent to few
so, I'm kind of unhappy these past two weeks. you know what I mean.
and I'm trying to change. I'm trying to think about what I want and who I want to be and what I do now which displeases me and is needing to change. And I'm trying to do that, but it's so hard. It makes talking to people I've known forever even more difficult because there are huge things that I'm not going to say right.
So here's the breakdown of things that I don't like, followed by the list of things i'm actively doing, followed by the place I hope I end up.
-Scatter brained, loosing keys, dates, phone numbers etc. I've gotten even worse lately and I'm pretty sure most of it is because I'm frustrated with the effort and risk associated with changing and fixing my life.
-Hurting and annoying my friends. Harmony is the best example of this because I see her the most and she has no problem saying what's wrong. Jarrad fits in here too. They pinpoint my problems in changing my mind on things, not wanting to do things sometimes (specifically when I kind of want to do something and then abruptly change my mind and be very very stubborn)
-I've been pretty shitty at work recently too, but that got better as soon as I started thinking about these things, so I just have to keep my eye on that.
-My weight, which is always kind of there, and I'm usually mostly comfortable with it (at least not directly unhappy with it) but I'm starting to think of the emotional connections to the rest of my life.
-Me not advancing in my career/life and the terrifying knowledge that only I can fix that, and it's going to be the most difficult thing I've really faced..........but I can ignore it if I don't make the effort and still be fine, just horribly unhappy and doing exactly what I'm doing right now, for the rest of my life.
So mostly I've been pondering to what extent I'm terrified, lazy or lack motivation in everything in my life. Obviously I don't lack motivation. I'm unhappy now, there are things that I want and I'm struggling hard with that every day. That's pretty much the definition of motivation.
ok, so here's what I'm doing
-emailing you, because i have to get this out there.
-imposing a moratorium on all drug and alcohol use, just to avoid clouding the situation
-cleaning a lot, washed my window ledge and desk today while making bed and clearing the floor. It's generally been a lot cleaner this last month, and I'm maintaining that.
-crying
-making more friends at work
-Thinking of going running
-Booking time off work in January so I can work on applying for jobs with an open schedule.
Where I hope I end up
-happier
-with a clearer goal other than 'happier'
-less of an annoying burden on my friends
-better
Mostly I'm confronting the realization that there are great people and opportunities in life and there is the option of sitting down and riding which every wave you're on. The only difference is you actually have to try and do your best with the first option and the second option is what I'm doing right now and I hate it. I'm terrified and lazy and I don't know if I'm terrified because I'm lazy or lazy because I'm terrified.
so yea,
sorry to send you this bomb of a letter. I hope you find some kind of happiness in the confession and that things will be better in the future.
anyway, that felt good to write. Email me back or call me when you get this and I'll probably call you tomorrow or something.
Love Kristy
and I'm trying to change. I'm trying to think about what I want and who I want to be and what I do now which displeases me and is needing to change. And I'm trying to do that, but it's so hard. It makes talking to people I've known forever even more difficult because there are huge things that I'm not going to say right.
So here's the breakdown of things that I don't like, followed by the list of things i'm actively doing, followed by the place I hope I end up.
-Scatter brained, loosing keys, dates, phone numbers etc. I've gotten even worse lately and I'm pretty sure most of it is because I'm frustrated with the effort and risk associated with changing and fixing my life.
-Hurting and annoying my friends. Harmony is the best example of this because I see her the most and she has no problem saying what's wrong. Jarrad fits in here too. They pinpoint my problems in changing my mind on things, not wanting to do things sometimes (specifically when I kind of want to do something and then abruptly change my mind and be very very stubborn)
-I've been pretty shitty at work recently too, but that got better as soon as I started thinking about these things, so I just have to keep my eye on that.
-My weight, which is always kind of there, and I'm usually mostly comfortable with it (at least not directly unhappy with it) but I'm starting to think of the emotional connections to the rest of my life.
-Me not advancing in my career/life and the terrifying knowledge that only I can fix that, and it's going to be the most difficult thing I've really faced..........but I can ignore it if I don't make the effort and still be fine, just horribly unhappy and doing exactly what I'm doing right now, for the rest of my life.
So mostly I've been pondering to what extent I'm terrified, lazy or lack motivation in everything in my life. Obviously I don't lack motivation. I'm unhappy now, there are things that I want and I'm struggling hard with that every day. That's pretty much the definition of motivation.
ok, so here's what I'm doing
-emailing you, because i have to get this out there.
-imposing a moratorium on all drug and alcohol use, just to avoid clouding the situation
-cleaning a lot, washed my window ledge and desk today while making bed and clearing the floor. It's generally been a lot cleaner this last month, and I'm maintaining that.
-crying
-making more friends at work
-Thinking of going running
-Booking time off work in January so I can work on applying for jobs with an open schedule.
Where I hope I end up
-happier
-with a clearer goal other than 'happier'
-less of an annoying burden on my friends
-better
Mostly I'm confronting the realization that there are great people and opportunities in life and there is the option of sitting down and riding which every wave you're on. The only difference is you actually have to try and do your best with the first option and the second option is what I'm doing right now and I hate it. I'm terrified and lazy and I don't know if I'm terrified because I'm lazy or lazy because I'm terrified.
so yea,
sorry to send you this bomb of a letter. I hope you find some kind of happiness in the confession and that things will be better in the future.
anyway, that felt good to write. Email me back or call me when you get this and I'll probably call you tomorrow or something.
Love Kristy