today is july.
today is july the twelfth. it will soon be tomorrow because its ten till. i decided to post this because i need to get it out and have no one to tell it to. so here it is. even if it is the most pathetic and pointless thing ever. right now its bothering me.
so. i feel like the older i get, the more i lose my friends. but it didnt bother me before because i felt like the bad ones were only being weeded out as the years went by. but now i feel like i have no friends. and my one number one wants to move and leave with her boyfriend. im glad that she can see a future with him but i just want her to stay here and not move across the country. i wish she wouldnt leave me. but who knows. but still.
also. i can get along with almost anyone because im a nice girl. im not just tooting my own horn here. its the truth. i cant be mean to someone. well i can dislike them but i will never show it to their face. so i hang out with a lot of random people. but i really cant call any of them my friends because none of them know me. and the ones that i want to be friends with most, im too scared. which is very stupid. but i am. so sometimes i get too shy. and i dont talk and i just sit there hoping someone will wanna talk to me. but then sometimes when im feeling extra bold, i get to talkin and i start shooting off compliments or whatever comes into my brain. and i always mean them im always sincere about what i say. but sometimes since its so random and that person doesnt know me very well they dont believe me or appreciate it. and i know it. i can tell. and i just wish they would take my sincerity and feel it and understand it. or i just rattle off random things about my private life of some sort and i know that that person must think im too open and dont keep anything private. oh but i do. you dont know!
so lately, ive been hanging out with people im not even friends with. and the one time i get to hang out with my number one, i get to be the third wheel. and i dont wanna say anything and i know if i do she wont see it and well argue and i really dont want that.
so in january, jeff jeff broke up with me and then ever since then ive been all over the place. there has been: luis, deekin, taylor, justin, timmy, keegan, and now probably matt. none of them have felt right except for one. and none of them have been real relationships. none of them have been real crushes. the ones where, for months you long for your crush and dare not tell them that you have a thing for them. then, finally, you let em know. and then still, even after that, its a couple weeks before you start dating. then finally you start dating and you cant take it anymore. youre so charged up and like em so much, that that first kiss is electric. your lips fit perfectly and you know that you wanna be with em errrrday. its like a magnet. but after jeff, i felt like if i liked someone i didnt wanna beat around the bush for months or weeks. i wanted em to know right away. but maybe its better if you take it slow.
lynn at work knows the most of my boy troubles. shes says its fun kissing the frogs. i do not agree because i dont wanna be a whore.
i feel like ive had a few connections but they always become a dud. how can i feel so strong about something and have it stop clicking so fast? and why would i always go back to the one that used and broke me the most? because i dont have an answer for you. because it felt right. but now it doesnt anymore because i am not that girl. i changed. i changed everything about myself to get far away. so when you look at me, i want you to wish you knew me. but i always come back. but now i dont. and im so glad for that.
i just wish the one i loved the most would love me back. but oh my he is the most inaccessable guy ever. and he forgot about me. he just dropped me. but i always replay in my head what he said to me. he promised and i wanna hold him to it. because at the time i know he meant it. and i still want it.
i imagined my summer much different than this. one. summer weather would be present. two. deekin would be at joeys house down the street from me. three. hayworth would be touring the midwest. four. id have summer nights.
timmy tells me im unpredictable. i love when he says that. it makes me feel so not boring as i usually feel.
i think matt has a crush on me. hes a sweet boy. but i have a crush on his friend. he was in one of my dreams. i really wish none of them liked me except for the friend.
sometimes i get overwhelmingly sad. but then i feel ultra petty because i should be excited for my future life. and sometimes i am. i get overwhelmingly happy about it. but then im afraid that ill forever be alone and my life will be full of frogs.
my dad looked at me the other day and said that i really am beautiful. and that he wasnt just saying that. and that i better be careful when i go to college. well i dont agree with that completely. i think im nice on the eyes, ill give you that. ha i dont feel like that too often. i think im a strange lady. round face, teethy smile. tiny waist, tiny everything. so, when i get looked at, i cant tell if they are thinking im attractive or unattractive. and i hate it. i hate being looked at because i just dont know. i dont know if they like me or not. so please dont look at me.
and now i dont know what else to say. i guess im really surprised with how ive turned out and how im turning out and whats going on with me. because when i was six, and when i would picture myself as an eighteen year old, i never pictured this.
1. i dont wanna be a whore.
2. i hate being looked at.
3. i love the ones that dont love me.
4. i have almost no friends.
5. no one knows.