Where do I go from here?
Most people go through times in their lives where they feel as if everything is going wrong. It feels like their world is crashing down on them all at once. I went through that just recently. And boy that wasn't a fun ride.
I have learned and grown up. I'm not done changing by any means but I noticed a difference in me. I realized that things that were once important to me, are just not as important. I value my friendships a lot more than I used to. Sometimes I still cry for attention from a select few people but I have slowly learned that I can't ask for it anymore. It simply is just lost forever.
I have found myself being really afraid of guys. I'm so scared of love and I have dodged every legit oppurtunity that could end up in a meaningful realtionship because I'm scared to commit. I think the last relationship has really got me to be much more causcious about who I can trust with my heart. It still hurts sometimes and I just need it to be on its own... I do want someone in my life though. I miss it soo much. I miss the security and friendship. I miss the friendship I had. I liked being able to just talk to that person about everything and anything just so you can get out how you are feeling without any judgement. That sort of realtionship I miss from a guy. I just need someone to make me feel safe and appreciated. I want someone to make me feel important and make me laugh and smile. I don't know why it has taken so long. I'm ready to do things right... Things are going to be a lot different this time. I have a new approach to being a girlfriend. At least I feel like things will be much different. I'm not the same girl that all my ex-boyfriends dated... I have a much seperate life that I want to live... I just wish I could find someone who can be there. I'm so tired of waiting..
Besides all the guy stuff and yucky love stuff things are going soo much better... Granted, family sickness is not top notch... I'm concerned but there is only soo much I could do this far away from home.. Sometimes I wonder if being this far away from home is going to be worth it in the end. I don't really know.. And on the far other end, I really think about transfering to another state. Trying something new... But I know I will miss ISU too much. It is just a matter of where I want my life to lead me. I don't know if thinking about being somewhere else means that I really should be somewhere else... does this makes sence?
Keep my family in your prayers. I want everything to get better. Friends here at school have been so supportive. Sometimes they dont realize that just being around me and making me laugh really makes a whole worlds difference in my day. It makes everythign that much worthwhile. Laughter is really a great medicine. I found the more I have laughed with my good friends, the happier person I become.. And I love being happy and smiling.
Who can ask for better friends and a better family? I know I can't. I'm content where I am.