(no subject)
It is 3 AM. I'm awake and I should be sleeping, but I just can't stop THINKING. I tried to nap the other day for four hours and i never really fell asleep. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I think it's just this strange time in my life that is getting to me. It's getting harder to think clearly with so many thoughts running through my head about right now, my past, and what I want in the future. I've been getting lost in things to come rather than right now, and I know I just need to take a step back and breathe. Hopefully I can find some peace, because right now nothing I am doing is making me feel any better. I've been having so much fun I can't even explain it, but at the same time I want to get away so badly. I want to go somewhere new...but with who? Who is the one person who I would want there with me? I used to know. It just reminds me of how disappointed I am over the way things have turned out in many situations. This morning I was supposed to go out, but didn't even have the motivation to do so. I sat down at the kitchen table filled with flowers and cards for me, and I thought about him. How I wish that I had seen his face in the crowd of people. I wish I could go back to three years ago where there was no possible way we would turn out like this. I wish I'd done it right, and at least that way if we failed I would truly know that it was meant to be. I wish he had done it right, too. I learned a hell of a lot these past 4 years, and I guess I might not have if I didn't learn the hard way, but now I guess I'm reaping the consequences. ha. I thought that's what was happening a year ago...I didn't have a fucking clue.
I wish I was better at showing people what I mean. Most of the time I never even talk about the things that are actually REALLY bothering me to my best friends. If they asked I would be honest, but there's no reason to bring up things that I'm trying to not think about. I guess I just see them so happy, and there's no way that I'd want to mention how I am not. I don't know why it is so hard for me to get things out right. I just don't think there's any way for them to get it. Nope. But I wish they would because it would sure help them to get why I can be distant at times- It's just how I deal, I need it. I will be okay, and at least I know what I need to do in order for that to happen haha. It's not really how I'm feeling...I am here. Always.
I am so overtired. I should get to bed, eh?
I wish I was better at showing people what I mean. Most of the time I never even talk about the things that are actually REALLY bothering me to my best friends. If they asked I would be honest, but there's no reason to bring up things that I'm trying to not think about. I guess I just see them so happy, and there's no way that I'd want to mention how I am not. I don't know why it is so hard for me to get things out right. I just don't think there's any way for them to get it. Nope. But I wish they would because it would sure help them to get why I can be distant at times- It's just how I deal, I need it. I will be okay, and at least I know what I need to do in order for that to happen haha. It's not really how I'm feeling...I am here. Always.
I am so overtired. I should get to bed, eh?