Need vs. Love
I do not claim to be some sort of all-knowing guru when it comes to love. In fact, I think it's safe to say that I'm much more of a bumbling idiot than a guru.
But although my experiences with love have been messy and stammering and even painful, I do feel that, because of these experiences, there are certain things I understand about the L word. One of these things is the difference between "to need" and "to love".
Need and love are two words that often go hand-in-hand when poets write sappy verses - and it makes sense. Love frequently feels like need: like the necessity of eating, breathing, sleeping. You need to be with him. You need to hold him, touch his cheek, run your fingers through his hair. You ache when he's gone and you feel a rush of ecstasy the moment he comes back. Those emotions are all part of love, but you know deep down that you won't die if you don't kiss him for three weeks.
But there is a point when need creeps in to take the place of love.
I think it's fairly common in our society, and even more common in YA literature: when love becomes obsession. When that person completes you to the point that you truly do need him, because you don't know who you are without him. When he is not only your boyfriend - he's also your brain, your conscience, and your opinion. You feel friendless when he isn't around, because you can't remember the last time you spent time with other friends. You are bored when he's not with you, because you only have fun when you're together. When you fight with him, your world is shattered. When he says he loves you, your life is complete.
I've been in need-love before. It's dizzying, all-consuming, confusing...and often, it can evolve into a very unhealthy relationship.
But there are other kinds of love too - where the word "want" replaces the word "need."
You want to be with him because he makes you laugh, but he's not the only person you're happy with. You want to be with him because you love the taste of his mouth and the smell of his skin, but you can live without him for a few more days. You want to hear his opinion because you appreciate his mind, but his ideas do not change yours.
I've been in want-love, too. It's liberating, enlightening, soul-searing...and it's sadly absent from so many popular young adult books nowadays.
Having experienced both kinds of love in my lifetime, I have to challenge the authors out there: try a freedom-love instead of a freefall-love. Give your characters relationships that allow them to grow into their own personalities instead of chaining them to someone else's. Lead them into a romance that makes them stronger, not weaker.
It's not easy - in writing or in real life - but the end results are worth it.
But although my experiences with love have been messy and stammering and even painful, I do feel that, because of these experiences, there are certain things I understand about the L word. One of these things is the difference between "to need" and "to love".
Need and love are two words that often go hand-in-hand when poets write sappy verses - and it makes sense. Love frequently feels like need: like the necessity of eating, breathing, sleeping. You need to be with him. You need to hold him, touch his cheek, run your fingers through his hair. You ache when he's gone and you feel a rush of ecstasy the moment he comes back. Those emotions are all part of love, but you know deep down that you won't die if you don't kiss him for three weeks.
But there is a point when need creeps in to take the place of love.
I think it's fairly common in our society, and even more common in YA literature: when love becomes obsession. When that person completes you to the point that you truly do need him, because you don't know who you are without him. When he is not only your boyfriend - he's also your brain, your conscience, and your opinion. You feel friendless when he isn't around, because you can't remember the last time you spent time with other friends. You are bored when he's not with you, because you only have fun when you're together. When you fight with him, your world is shattered. When he says he loves you, your life is complete.
I've been in need-love before. It's dizzying, all-consuming, confusing...and often, it can evolve into a very unhealthy relationship.
But there are other kinds of love too - where the word "want" replaces the word "need."
You want to be with him because he makes you laugh, but he's not the only person you're happy with. You want to be with him because you love the taste of his mouth and the smell of his skin, but you can live without him for a few more days. You want to hear his opinion because you appreciate his mind, but his ideas do not change yours.
I've been in want-love, too. It's liberating, enlightening, soul-searing...and it's sadly absent from so many popular young adult books nowadays.
Having experienced both kinds of love in my lifetime, I have to challenge the authors out there: try a freedom-love instead of a freefall-love. Give your characters relationships that allow them to grow into their own personalities instead of chaining them to someone else's. Lead them into a romance that makes them stronger, not weaker.
It's not easy - in writing or in real life - but the end results are worth it.