The Cold Pain Behind My Eyes That Shoots Back Through My Head

[kristin212]

 I don't know why I keep letting myself get this upset.  It's really uncharacteristic.  It's been happening over and over for the past couple of days.  I'll be fine and then something will set me off.  I used to be like this in high school.  Overdramatic.  I used to let things get blown out of proportion.  It's happening again.  So it's Thursday night, Friday morning really, and I'm sitting in my room brooding, listening to the worst and truest lyrics of Elliott Smith on loop.  I'm pissed.  And it keeps happening.  I don't really know what I can do to stop it.  I feel like not being self-destructive may actually be leading to the destruction of myself.  I don't know what else I can do.  I'm being honest.  I'm speaking in plain English here.  I don't get where the confusion comes in.  The things that bother me aren't even done intentionally.  In a way, that's worse.  How do you stop someone from doing things they don't realize that they're doing?  It's frustrating as hell.  There's this gap between how I want things to be and how they actually are, but I want them to match the dream so much that it hurts.  And I fool myself, over and over.  I swear I can't handle it, but I can't stop it, I don't want to let it go.  And then I feel stupid for putting up with it, and even stupider for getting this upset about things that no one even realizes are issues but me.  I notice.  I know.  And I end up mad at myself for my own senseless anger about this, about everything.

This week sucks.  It just sucks.  I'm going to bed.  And probably lying awake.

Tarot cards and the lines in my head told me I'm wrong, but I'm true.