(no subject)
I have always been the person waiting for something bad to happen, the one that always has my guard up. I have found in my experience that by doing this i never got hurt, but I've never been really happy either. So for the first time in my life I let myself trust another person. I let my guard down. There was no shelter to hide under. And I was happy, I was actually happy. But of course the inevitable happened. The bottom fell out, and came crashing down around me. Everything that I thought was wrong, and I am completely to blame. I should've seen it, I really should've known. I trusted the idea that I had built in my head, not reality. I wanted it to be something more than it was, so i made myself believe it, and trust it. I created a fantasy...that's all it was. The reality was a dissappointment. I guess I just realize now that I am not good enough, and no matter what I do im never going to be good enough. And I built him up to be this fantasy person, and what I should be saying is that he's not good enough. But he's the one that doesn't want me. HE DOESN'T WANT ME! I need to scratch that into my brain. This is the first time in my life that I have a problem that I can't fix. There is nothing that I can say or do to make it better. I have to accept it, learn from it and move on. It wasn't anything that I did or didn't do. It was me, and I am not good enough. So I have to pick up the pieces of my ego, and suck up what's left of my pride and move on. I have learned that the only person that you can really trust, really count on is yourself. It's sad really, but i would rather be kinda happy forever than feel this shitty once and a while.