(no subject)
Today was half good, half bad.
Good because it was halloween; I love it, went as a masquerade style fairy princess. Also won a halloween trivia thinger, woot, and drivers ed training started at lunch today. So if I pass I'll be able to drive by next october!
Bad because Steve went home sick, came back for practice depressed, we ended up getting in a fight twice today and both were my fault... I was trying to make him feel better and he kept saying how nothing makes him happy and nothing's worth it and maybe he wants to feel bad, and I got upset and it resulted in him yelling at me, and me coming inside the door of the house to burst out crying so then my parents got mad that I 'took that kind of crap from him when I know he gets emotional and I shouldn't take getting hurt from him because we don't yell to solve things in this house so obviously you're not used to it'. And then he called back, we started talking about it, I must have gotten defensive or something because he started 'raising his voice' and I asked him not to which made him more upset...
He said that I don't listen when he needs someone to listen to, that when I'm hurt it's the 'biggest thing in the world' but when he's upset it's a stupid thing, that I don't care about his problems.... in short, I'M A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON.
I've never been told that before. It's not like, when you think you're dramatic and then someone points it out and it doesn't come as much a surprise because you expected it anyway, because I didn't. I really do wish I could be like him, you know, just listen to people's problems and not make them feel bad and all that stuff, but I guess I can't.
I guess maybe we're two seperate people, and I'm the worse of the two. The scum. Maybe I should change for him, but at the same time I don't want to because I don't want to change for anyone. I want to be my own person, but the 'real me' is someone that the one person I actually care about liking it hates. I've just started acting more like myself around him, and we've been fighting more than ever. So I've come to the conclusion that I have three options:
1) continue hiding the real me, like I used to
2) change so that I can not hide the real me and at the same time not hurt people
3) not change or hide the real me and risk losing the person I love.
So those are my options. Only thing is...
Everytime I say or do anything, it seems like he tries to make me feel bad for it. If I don't do something well or if I over-react or if I get offended, then it's always turned around and thrown in my face. This pretty much sounds like what he said, so I guess we're both at fault or something, because I KNOW no matter WHAT it's ALWAYS at least partly my fault. I've come to terms with that.
*sigh* enough ranting and, stuff, I guess. Steve, if you by any chance read this and think I'm making it into 'the biggest thing in the world' and think I don't care that you're the one who should be hurt here and I have no right to be, remember that this is my journal where I vent about things. You don't HAVE to read it, this is just a hell of a lot better and more effective than taking it out on people, or crying or something. I'm sorry if anythign I've said hurt you; that wasn't my intention, all I wanted to do was vent so that when I call you back to talk for the fifteen minutes I'm allowed to talk to you I won't be upset. I just don't know what to do, ok? I really don't.
Love you, if you want to hear that. I really do.
As for the rest of you; happy halloween, and hope you have an awesome one. Just because two people are upset doesn't mean the rest of you have to be!
Good because it was halloween; I love it, went as a masquerade style fairy princess. Also won a halloween trivia thinger, woot, and drivers ed training started at lunch today. So if I pass I'll be able to drive by next october!
Bad because Steve went home sick, came back for practice depressed, we ended up getting in a fight twice today and both were my fault... I was trying to make him feel better and he kept saying how nothing makes him happy and nothing's worth it and maybe he wants to feel bad, and I got upset and it resulted in him yelling at me, and me coming inside the door of the house to burst out crying so then my parents got mad that I 'took that kind of crap from him when I know he gets emotional and I shouldn't take getting hurt from him because we don't yell to solve things in this house so obviously you're not used to it'. And then he called back, we started talking about it, I must have gotten defensive or something because he started 'raising his voice' and I asked him not to which made him more upset...
He said that I don't listen when he needs someone to listen to, that when I'm hurt it's the 'biggest thing in the world' but when he's upset it's a stupid thing, that I don't care about his problems.... in short, I'M A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON.
I've never been told that before. It's not like, when you think you're dramatic and then someone points it out and it doesn't come as much a surprise because you expected it anyway, because I didn't. I really do wish I could be like him, you know, just listen to people's problems and not make them feel bad and all that stuff, but I guess I can't.
I guess maybe we're two seperate people, and I'm the worse of the two. The scum. Maybe I should change for him, but at the same time I don't want to because I don't want to change for anyone. I want to be my own person, but the 'real me' is someone that the one person I actually care about liking it hates. I've just started acting more like myself around him, and we've been fighting more than ever. So I've come to the conclusion that I have three options:
1) continue hiding the real me, like I used to
2) change so that I can not hide the real me and at the same time not hurt people
3) not change or hide the real me and risk losing the person I love.
So those are my options. Only thing is...
Everytime I say or do anything, it seems like he tries to make me feel bad for it. If I don't do something well or if I over-react or if I get offended, then it's always turned around and thrown in my face. This pretty much sounds like what he said, so I guess we're both at fault or something, because I KNOW no matter WHAT it's ALWAYS at least partly my fault. I've come to terms with that.
*sigh* enough ranting and, stuff, I guess. Steve, if you by any chance read this and think I'm making it into 'the biggest thing in the world' and think I don't care that you're the one who should be hurt here and I have no right to be, remember that this is my journal where I vent about things. You don't HAVE to read it, this is just a hell of a lot better and more effective than taking it out on people, or crying or something. I'm sorry if anythign I've said hurt you; that wasn't my intention, all I wanted to do was vent so that when I call you back to talk for the fifteen minutes I'm allowed to talk to you I won't be upset. I just don't know what to do, ok? I really don't.
Love you, if you want to hear that. I really do.
As for the rest of you; happy halloween, and hope you have an awesome one. Just because two people are upset doesn't mean the rest of you have to be!