(no subject)

[kristenmeme]

Ok, I have to get this out. Don't read it if you don't want to, but I've tried everything and I just have to rant for awhile. My life is usually pretty good. I'm usually pretty happy. I'm free for the first time in a long time, but then, something will trigger memories from the past and I get really angry. I mean, REALLY ANGRY. The kind of angry where I scream and cry and beat the pillow. I try so hard to channel all my shit into something productive, but the pain doesn't go away. I don't know if it will ever completely go away. I know that if I don't think positively I will end up in a hole I can't crawl out of. I probably would be dead now. I don't know how to handle all this. I'm so fucking mad!! It's just a bad day and it hurts all over again. I can't listen to my Evanescence cd without crying, which sucks because it's my favorite cd. I'm glad these times get fewer and further between, but I wonder if I will ever be the same again. My family says I'm getting hard. Maybe I am. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. I don't know. I just know I'm trying to do my best with what I've got and I don't know how to be anything other than me. I've made mistakes through this transition. I've screwed up. I hurt alot, but hopefully it will get better with time.
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
Somehow you've got everybody fooled.
Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lies
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore