Wierd day
Lately I've been thinking about Jeremy alot. It starts when I have all these dreams about him and wake up expecting him to be there and he's not. It doesn't happen alot, but when it does it's unnerving because the dreams are never bad. They are all about the good things that happened early in our relationship when we were still in high school. When I wake up, it all comes rushing back and reality sets in. That bites! Then I start thinking that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I should be married still and own a house and have children on the way. That's what I'm used to. I'm surprised this doesn't happen more because most things in the house carry some memory of my past. Even now, I'm in the library remembering all the hours I spent in this very chair talking to him when he was in Iraq. I can't get away from the memories. Anyway, then I really start thinking and realize that, for some reason, I am exactly where I need to be in my life. I love who I am and where I'm headed. I love the people I see from day to day. And I realize that maybe my failed marriage is merely a stepping stone for something greater. It's a very strange combination of greatfullness, hope, and utter sadness.
To make things more complicated, I found out that my aunt ran into his parents and she found out that he is going back in the Army as a Captain. He wants to be stationed in a war zone. I know why. He's not stong enough to kill himself on his own. His "religious beliefs" (not like there is much left) keep him from directly committing suicide, since he is afraid of the outcome if he is successful, so he wants to "accidently" die in battle. I know this for a fact because he tried it numerous times in Iraq. In a way, I'm pissed off that he did this and lived and many innocent people died instead. It doesn't seem fair. So I'm just waiting for news of his death. I don't know how I feel about it anymore or even if I'll go to the funeral. I guess I just feel numb. I really really wish I didn't care for him anymore. It would make things easier, but I know I will probably always love him, in spite of everything. How much of a loser am I? I'm just really grateful I'm out of that situation. Grateful for not being with him and for not being an Officer's wife anymore. That was really hard. I have a new life filled with all kinds of new opportunities and people to meet, if I can only get rid of this baggage.
Oh, and one more thing. I really really REALLY miss my old best friend, which of course, is his sister. I'd call her, but the last time I tried, I got a complete shut out from his family. WTF? It's not my fault the marriage fell apart. ARGH!!
To make things more complicated, I found out that my aunt ran into his parents and she found out that he is going back in the Army as a Captain. He wants to be stationed in a war zone. I know why. He's not stong enough to kill himself on his own. His "religious beliefs" (not like there is much left) keep him from directly committing suicide, since he is afraid of the outcome if he is successful, so he wants to "accidently" die in battle. I know this for a fact because he tried it numerous times in Iraq. In a way, I'm pissed off that he did this and lived and many innocent people died instead. It doesn't seem fair. So I'm just waiting for news of his death. I don't know how I feel about it anymore or even if I'll go to the funeral. I guess I just feel numb. I really really wish I didn't care for him anymore. It would make things easier, but I know I will probably always love him, in spite of everything. How much of a loser am I? I'm just really grateful I'm out of that situation. Grateful for not being with him and for not being an Officer's wife anymore. That was really hard. I have a new life filled with all kinds of new opportunities and people to meet, if I can only get rid of this baggage.
Oh, and one more thing. I really really REALLY miss my old best friend, which of course, is his sister. I'd call her, but the last time I tried, I got a complete shut out from his family. WTF? It's not my fault the marriage fell apart. ARGH!!