025.
I'm a very happy person, but I'm also a very sad person.
when I'm around people, I'm definitely at my best. even when I'm upset, I try not to show it, not because I'm a private person, but because I don't want anyone to judge me forever, simply based on a moment of weakness.
I have minor depression, but I'm not on anything simply because I think I can power through this alone. and by alone, I mean alone. my family doesn't see me enough to understand properly, my friends are being left in the dark -- and the ones who do know, don't seem to fully understand what's happening because they still end up talking about everything like it's normal, and it's not. and they still talk about themselves 99% of the time and don't even comfort me if I need it, and they just say "that's too bad" and move on and think that just because the word "minor" is in the diagnosis, it is not a problem.
and the people who don't know about it, they continue to insult me and call me a liar and are hard on me for liking the things I like, for having the hobbies I have, for making friends that are different instead of like everyone else. and they think it's no big deal, that it's okay to speak their minds the way they do, but the hurtful things they say are just 10 times worse than if I was healthy. and even if I wasn't sick, these are still not things they should be saying in the first place. because they're mean people, and they don't even realize it.
and then because I can only tell these things to the internet, they judge me, post other things about me but without using my name, say how dramatic I am (when the last thing I've always been is dramatic), try to define me based on my recent performance, my recent attitudes, my recent lack of energy. and some of these people are new friends, judging me already, when they don't know the first thing about me. and then other people are moving on, not even bothering to check on me at all, even though they know everything. and they go off and make new lives and leave me behind and don't even care, and when we talk they just shrug and look away and have nothing to say and then they just keep interrupting me, speaking louder and louder until my words just drown out and become nothingness, pure nothingness--
so here I am, sitting in my apartment, depressed as always, but still quiet (so so quiet) because if I say a single word about it, they will judge me, ask me blunt questions, say that this isn't actual depression, this is me being moody -- but that's not true at all, and there are more symptoms than just feeling down, and I've made hospital visits and calls and just because I don't tell you about it, it doesn't make it any less real.
but it's not going away, and the one time I really need people around me, to keep me happy, is the time they all start to let me down.
when I'm around people, I'm definitely at my best. even when I'm upset, I try not to show it, not because I'm a private person, but because I don't want anyone to judge me forever, simply based on a moment of weakness.
I have minor depression, but I'm not on anything simply because I think I can power through this alone. and by alone, I mean alone. my family doesn't see me enough to understand properly, my friends are being left in the dark -- and the ones who do know, don't seem to fully understand what's happening because they still end up talking about everything like it's normal, and it's not. and they still talk about themselves 99% of the time and don't even comfort me if I need it, and they just say "that's too bad" and move on and think that just because the word "minor" is in the diagnosis, it is not a problem.
and the people who don't know about it, they continue to insult me and call me a liar and are hard on me for liking the things I like, for having the hobbies I have, for making friends that are different instead of like everyone else. and they think it's no big deal, that it's okay to speak their minds the way they do, but the hurtful things they say are just 10 times worse than if I was healthy. and even if I wasn't sick, these are still not things they should be saying in the first place. because they're mean people, and they don't even realize it.
and then because I can only tell these things to the internet, they judge me, post other things about me but without using my name, say how dramatic I am (when the last thing I've always been is dramatic), try to define me based on my recent performance, my recent attitudes, my recent lack of energy. and some of these people are new friends, judging me already, when they don't know the first thing about me. and then other people are moving on, not even bothering to check on me at all, even though they know everything. and they go off and make new lives and leave me behind and don't even care, and when we talk they just shrug and look away and have nothing to say and then they just keep interrupting me, speaking louder and louder until my words just drown out and become nothingness, pure nothingness--
so here I am, sitting in my apartment, depressed as always, but still quiet (so so quiet) because if I say a single word about it, they will judge me, ask me blunt questions, say that this isn't actual depression, this is me being moody -- but that's not true at all, and there are more symptoms than just feeling down, and I've made hospital visits and calls and just because I don't tell you about it, it doesn't make it any less real.
but it's not going away, and the one time I really need people around me, to keep me happy, is the time they all start to let me down.