What I really meant to say.
I just wrote all of my favorite moments of the week, and here I am five minutes later...my stomach is getting that sick feeling I keep having over and over again this week and the only thing I can think to do is write down why.
I will say that I feel incredibly ashamed in a way right now. I have had all of these incredibly great moments this week, but when I sit alone I still find time to think about my recent break up and feel incredibly sad. I feel confused. I feel played. I feel like I never want to see him again, and I feel like it ended too soon. I miss his dog. I miss poker night. I miss "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on the couch on Sunday afternoons. I want to forget everything, and I want to hold on. I want to lie and bed and do nothing. I want to jump up and down and scream and do everything. I want to yell at him. I want to kiss him and tell him that I forgive him for everything and let's just go back to normal. My stomach starts turning...
Then I count my blessings.
There are so many people in my life who treat me so well. Why can I only think about the one who doesn't anymore? How is it that I can like myself, and that a lot of other people in my life like me too, but I still feel incredibly insufficient all of the sudden because things didn't work out with one single person?
I shouldn't feel sad, but I do. My life is amazing. I'm one of the luckiest people I know.
This is one of those things I think that I will never understand about myself. I know I'll get over this with time, but waiting for this to ride out is difficult.
"You know when you've found it
There's something I've learned
Cuz you feel it when they take it away."
Smile and trudge on.
I will say that I feel incredibly ashamed in a way right now. I have had all of these incredibly great moments this week, but when I sit alone I still find time to think about my recent break up and feel incredibly sad. I feel confused. I feel played. I feel like I never want to see him again, and I feel like it ended too soon. I miss his dog. I miss poker night. I miss "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on the couch on Sunday afternoons. I want to forget everything, and I want to hold on. I want to lie and bed and do nothing. I want to jump up and down and scream and do everything. I want to yell at him. I want to kiss him and tell him that I forgive him for everything and let's just go back to normal. My stomach starts turning...
Then I count my blessings.
There are so many people in my life who treat me so well. Why can I only think about the one who doesn't anymore? How is it that I can like myself, and that a lot of other people in my life like me too, but I still feel incredibly insufficient all of the sudden because things didn't work out with one single person?
I shouldn't feel sad, but I do. My life is amazing. I'm one of the luckiest people I know.
This is one of those things I think that I will never understand about myself. I know I'll get over this with time, but waiting for this to ride out is difficult.
"You know when you've found it
There's something I've learned
Cuz you feel it when they take it away."
Smile and trudge on.