(no subject)
Im really missing Freddie today for some reason. I have been fine all week and now today it just all came rushing back for some reason. Stupid stupid shit. How can I miss someone who was hardly ever there to begin with. I think putting all the stuff that reminded me of him in a box and putting it away really struck a nerve in me. There are a lot of things Im trying to understand right now and I can't seem to get a grip on any of it. I just want to be loved but right now I am at the point that I really believe that will never happen. I don't know what i want or deserve at this point. Im so confused and I am looking for someone to turn to and there is no one there. My best friend has even turned her back to me. Am I really that horrible of a person? I thought I walked away from all this. I went up to lansing last night to visit my friend and i was telling him about how i wish i could go back to being numb. I woke up this morning and i thought my wish had come true. I did not feel happiness...i did not feel pain...or hurt. Then I checked my phone...no missed calls...no text messages...nothing. For some reason so much emotion and hurt just came back to me. I mean one day without a stupid call and i feel that? There is something emotionally wrong there. I asked my friend why am I so fucked up..and he just said the only reason i am fucked up is because i think i am. I forgot how long of a drive it was to Lansing...it gave me a lot of time to think i think thats part of the problem right there.
I love Freddie and I hate myself for it. He was everything I could have ever wanted. And now he is gone. And I really can't come to terms with that. Everyone says just be patient. I am so sick of that word. I hate rejection and thats all I have been facing the past year and a half. I need to do some serious self reflecting and find out what i really want and if I really want to continue with a lot of stuff right now. The whole me being a strong person thing is such a lie I can't deal with anything and I am about ready to give up. I guess thats just me...something looks alittle tough and I back out like alittle bitch.
I think I should have gone to The Ghouls show yesterday. Maybe I would have felt alittle better. Doubt it though. I would have gone there and possibly seen another person I will always just like and can never have. Maybe part of this too is hearing about Jesse again. Thats another one I lost out on.
This last date really hasn't affected me too bad cuz I hardly knew him so it sucks but its easier to walk away from that. But I gave Freddie my full love and support the past 5 months with nothing in return. All he had to do with make me proud and I was there. This is so rediculous.
Ugh I think I am gonna delete this though cuz there is some stuff in here that is way too personal that I don't want floating around cyberspace...
I love Freddie and I hate myself for it. He was everything I could have ever wanted. And now he is gone. And I really can't come to terms with that. Everyone says just be patient. I am so sick of that word. I hate rejection and thats all I have been facing the past year and a half. I need to do some serious self reflecting and find out what i really want and if I really want to continue with a lot of stuff right now. The whole me being a strong person thing is such a lie I can't deal with anything and I am about ready to give up. I guess thats just me...something looks alittle tough and I back out like alittle bitch.
I think I should have gone to The Ghouls show yesterday. Maybe I would have felt alittle better. Doubt it though. I would have gone there and possibly seen another person I will always just like and can never have. Maybe part of this too is hearing about Jesse again. Thats another one I lost out on.
This last date really hasn't affected me too bad cuz I hardly knew him so it sucks but its easier to walk away from that. But I gave Freddie my full love and support the past 5 months with nothing in return. All he had to do with make me proud and I was there. This is so rediculous.
Ugh I think I am gonna delete this though cuz there is some stuff in here that is way too personal that I don't want floating around cyberspace...