(no subject)
It's been a while since I've posted and there are many words floating around in my head that should have been put to "paper" a long time ago.
I am depressed. This is no shock to anyone who has had the misfortune of reading my writings in the past. For once I have very specific reasons for feeling this way.
I feel like a failure as a woman. My body doesn't work correctly. I don't ovulate, I don't have my cycle unless medication forces it. I. Am.Broken. I have gone round and round about the idea of reproducing. Something deep inside me is desperate to have a little version of Jerry and I... Then I think about how awesome our lives are. The freedom to travel and sleep late on our days off is amazing. We can be spontaneous, and there is (finally a little bit) of expendable money. If we had a child all of those things would disappear, or at the very least, be harder to come by. Still, I ache. I'm sure this is something put in me by my creator, this ridiculous need to nurture and raise something, and honestly if I had the choice to rid myself of the desire, I would. Holy run on sentence batman!
Anyway, the desire for breeding aside, I have had to seek medical attention. I have a disease called PCOS, which puts me at higher risk for fun stuff like Ovarian and uterine Cancer , as well as other great stuff like diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. Awesome. The only way to get a doctor to treat me was to tell her I am TRYING to get pregnant... which I guess is only a half lie. We aren't trying to prevent, but whatever... you don't need to know all the gory details. So yeah, I had to tell the doctor we're trying because I have no desire to be put on hormonal birth control. Those are my two options, drugs to make me never have a baby, or drugs to make me have one. Where the fuck are the drugs that just lower my risk of cancer and spontaneous combustion?! Ugh anyway, now I find myself hoping that I am pregnant, when the logical part of me is very much "WTF?! You can't have a kid right now! You need to work, and there are so many cool trips coming up! Plus Ken is getting married in nine months and you're a groomsman! How the fuck are you going to travel to Carmel if you're 9 month pregnant, or have just had a baby?" Part of the problem is they are giving me some drug that makes me produce a hormone usually absent from my body, so I have NO CLUE how to deal with these sudden random emotions and crap. UGH. Broken.
The other reason I am depressed is (of course) about work. It's not even that I hate it, which I do, but I feel like I'm wasting my life there. Jerry told me a few nights ago that I am wasting my potential. He thinks that I am too intelligent and wasting my talents. Yet there are no suggestions or ideas to make my life better. I've been looking into going back to school, but the only thing I want to study will be at least 6 years of full time school, and trying to get my RN. Getting into nursing school here in Colorado is ridiculously competitive. I really want to be a midwife, but legally have to be a nurse first. ::sigh:: I can't ask Jerry to be ok with my not working for that long, plus being a financial drain for school. I know there are student loans and all that. I know the options, but still six years is a long time.
On the other hand I can become a Doula, which is similar to a midwife, except I won't be dealing with the actual catching of babies, but more of the decision making, and coaching the mother with how to cope with all the interesting things that come with motherhood. This is a short schooling time, but it's not really regulated so picking a school is difficult. Certification is not required, but I would want to be as educated as possible. I could probably do this while still working, but it would be difficult. I don't know what to do. I hate working in the spa and would love to be a stay at home wife. I even told Jerry I'd vacuum in heels and pearls a la June Clever. I need something to change, anything really would be an improvement over the crap I deal with on a daily basis.
Anyway, enough griping. My life is actually going well, all the aforementioned bullshit aside. Jerry and I are happy, we are going to California with AJ in July. Speaking of which, California peeps I need to get some party information to y'all. Then in September we are going to Atlanta for Dragon*Con! I love geek conventions!! I am pretty sure I'll be joining Jerry in Belgium for a week in August. He is getting sent for work, and we figured it could be our honeymoon. Great opportunities abound.
Sorry this was so rambly and all over the place, but like I said, many words floating in my head. I hope things get easier, but I honestly don't see it happening any time soon.
I am depressed. This is no shock to anyone who has had the misfortune of reading my writings in the past. For once I have very specific reasons for feeling this way.
I feel like a failure as a woman. My body doesn't work correctly. I don't ovulate, I don't have my cycle unless medication forces it. I. Am.Broken. I have gone round and round about the idea of reproducing. Something deep inside me is desperate to have a little version of Jerry and I... Then I think about how awesome our lives are. The freedom to travel and sleep late on our days off is amazing. We can be spontaneous, and there is (finally a little bit) of expendable money. If we had a child all of those things would disappear, or at the very least, be harder to come by. Still, I ache. I'm sure this is something put in me by my creator, this ridiculous need to nurture and raise something, and honestly if I had the choice to rid myself of the desire, I would. Holy run on sentence batman!
Anyway, the desire for breeding aside, I have had to seek medical attention. I have a disease called PCOS, which puts me at higher risk for fun stuff like Ovarian and uterine Cancer , as well as other great stuff like diabetes, heart disease, and stroke. Awesome. The only way to get a doctor to treat me was to tell her I am TRYING to get pregnant... which I guess is only a half lie. We aren't trying to prevent, but whatever... you don't need to know all the gory details. So yeah, I had to tell the doctor we're trying because I have no desire to be put on hormonal birth control. Those are my two options, drugs to make me never have a baby, or drugs to make me have one. Where the fuck are the drugs that just lower my risk of cancer and spontaneous combustion?! Ugh anyway, now I find myself hoping that I am pregnant, when the logical part of me is very much "WTF?! You can't have a kid right now! You need to work, and there are so many cool trips coming up! Plus Ken is getting married in nine months and you're a groomsman! How the fuck are you going to travel to Carmel if you're 9 month pregnant, or have just had a baby?" Part of the problem is they are giving me some drug that makes me produce a hormone usually absent from my body, so I have NO CLUE how to deal with these sudden random emotions and crap. UGH. Broken.
The other reason I am depressed is (of course) about work. It's not even that I hate it, which I do, but I feel like I'm wasting my life there. Jerry told me a few nights ago that I am wasting my potential. He thinks that I am too intelligent and wasting my talents. Yet there are no suggestions or ideas to make my life better. I've been looking into going back to school, but the only thing I want to study will be at least 6 years of full time school, and trying to get my RN. Getting into nursing school here in Colorado is ridiculously competitive. I really want to be a midwife, but legally have to be a nurse first. ::sigh:: I can't ask Jerry to be ok with my not working for that long, plus being a financial drain for school. I know there are student loans and all that. I know the options, but still six years is a long time.
On the other hand I can become a Doula, which is similar to a midwife, except I won't be dealing with the actual catching of babies, but more of the decision making, and coaching the mother with how to cope with all the interesting things that come with motherhood. This is a short schooling time, but it's not really regulated so picking a school is difficult. Certification is not required, but I would want to be as educated as possible. I could probably do this while still working, but it would be difficult. I don't know what to do. I hate working in the spa and would love to be a stay at home wife. I even told Jerry I'd vacuum in heels and pearls a la June Clever. I need something to change, anything really would be an improvement over the crap I deal with on a daily basis.
Anyway, enough griping. My life is actually going well, all the aforementioned bullshit aside. Jerry and I are happy, we are going to California with AJ in July. Speaking of which, California peeps I need to get some party information to y'all. Then in September we are going to Atlanta for Dragon*Con! I love geek conventions!! I am pretty sure I'll be joining Jerry in Belgium for a week in August. He is getting sent for work, and we figured it could be our honeymoon. Great opportunities abound.
Sorry this was so rambly and all over the place, but like I said, many words floating in my head. I hope things get easier, but I honestly don't see it happening any time soon.